Fate:Sunny Order
by Swordomatic
Summary: In the year 2026, Chaldea's twin Masters fight to save the future. But what happens between the apocalyptic battles for the fate of mankind? What about downtime? Where do you go when you have a hundred bored Servants and only six Command Seals? How do you deal with the Counter Guardian your dad could be? Or your aunt, King Arthur? Or the Sumerian Goddess that looks like your mom?
1. Chapter 1

The incarnation of legends is a process that must be conducted carefully, precisely, and with the utmost respect for every step in the process. Though the foundations and the scale of the ritual conducted by Chaldea are different from the Holy Grail, the process is the same. As such the chamber is dark by necessity, as every inch of its interior has been wholly dedicated to the ritual. The only light comes from the dull glow of the ritual circle carved into the basalt floor beneath them, painstakingly hewn by hand and then filled with alchemical silver.

But besides the thaumaturgical investment necessary, the one conducting the ritual must also be a worthy summoner. Magical capability is not the only criterion; one must also be able to conduct leyshifts without issue, and most importantly of all one must have the affinity of a summoner. Even at Chaldea's peak, only a select few of its staff fulfilled every requirement. Now, after the disaster, there are only two.

One of them steps forward towards the center of the circle, one clenched fist held out. His arm is perfectly still, his breathing even and composed. He does not fear. He does not anticipate. He conducts himself with perfect elegance and poise, a keen and precise instrument dedicated to one purpose only.

"Don't spook me," he mutters, a prayer on his lips. He opens his hand, and four prismatic crystals tumble out, liquefying on contact with the circle. Their light permeates the circle immediately, filling it with an aurora of colour that shines in every direction. The ritual has begun.

There is a bright flash of light, a pillar piercing the sky from the center of the ring. It is over before he sees it, his ears popping from the pressure change, his hair tingling from the ionised air. The Master opens his eyes and sees what his offering has granted him.

A pile of strange blue-tinged swords greet him in the center, a trio of Black Keys favored by the Executors of the Church as both close combat weapons and as thrown projectiles. They glisten in the ambience of the ritual circle's light, the spell awaiting the next summoning. The Master lets his outstretched arm fall back to his side. Now, he starts trembling. A hot flash shoots up his spine. He clenches his fists.

"GOD DAMMIT!" He screams skyward. "GOD _FUCKING_ DAMMIT I GOT KEYS _AGAIN!"_

The Master falls to his knees, cursing the world he lost, while his counterpart walks up behind him, laughing her head off.

* * *

 _When the world of 2026 burned, Chaldea alone survived_

 _Charged with the Grand Order, it now sails through the kaleidoscope, searching for the seven singularities_

 _Hoping that their efforts will earn the salvation they hoped for_

 _And that their quartz will hold out long enough to summon the Heroes that will save them_

 _This is..._

 _ **FATE/SUNNY ORDER**_

* * *

Thirty minutes and a lot of weeping later, Ritsuka Tohsaka, the 47th Master of Chaldea, emerges from the summoning chamber carrying an armload of Black Keys and Azoth Daggers. His fellow Master continues laughing uproariously behind him, flanked by a quartet of Servants, heroes summoned from myth and history into bodies capable of sustaining their essence in the modern era, giving them form and strength once more. She skips ahead and pats him on both shoulders, still grinning brightly.

"Oi, cheer up Guda! I'm sure you'll get a Servant eventually!" She snerks involuntarily and ruffles his hair. " _Eventually!"_

Ritsuka coolly looks over his shoulder, a polite smile on his face but not quite reaching his eyes. "You're right. And it doesn't matter anyways, we share contracts. Your Servants are my Servants."

"Well yeah, but are they _really_ your Servants if you didn't actually summon them?" She looks over behind her, at the four heroes she just summoned. "What do you guys think?"

"I taught you better than this," Waver Velvet – or Lord El Melloi II, as he is known now – says dryly as he adjusts his glasses.

"I-I'm not sure it works that way..." Chevalier Le D'eon mumbles, drumming their fingers on the handle of their rapier.

"I am contracted to both of you," says Atalanta the Huntress, one of her feline ears twitching. "I don't see the difference. Do you, Herakles?"

The obsidian-skinned giant beside her grunts in agreement, holding his gigantic axe-sword like a cane.

"I agree with all of them," Ritsuka says blandly back. " _Especially_ Lord El Melloi II, though Herakles makes a good point. Stop being childish, Kana. You're eighteen."

Kana Tohsaka just snickers and sticks her tongue out at him. "You _say_ all this, but we both know that it's actually eating away at you on the inside."

Curse that woman she's entirely correct. "You couldn't be more wrong," Ritsuka says with a dead smile. He looks over at the four Servants they've summoned, this time smiling more genuinely. "Anyways, how about we show you around Chaldea?"

"...Nobu, what are you doing?"

"Making bombs."

"Ah, I see."

"Mmhm."

"...Wait _what?!"_

Okita Souji leaps off the common room couch once the statement finally sinks in and draws her katana, flailing the blade wildly at the errant Archer. "N-N-Nobu why are you making a bomb?! _How_ are you making a bomb?! Master was very clear: NO BOMBS!"

The Demon King of the Seventh Heaven, Oda Nobunaga herself, just shrugs as she gently sticks both halves of the orange back together. "Psh, Master's only salty that it worked."

The Captain of the Shinsengumi's First Division turns red with frustration. "I'm pretty sure it revealed our position and _also failed to get us into Orleans!"_

"Psh, details." Nobunaga holds it up in the palm of her hand, displaying it to the heavens themselves. "Behold! The Nobu-Bombu v2.0! Smaller, stronger, and eco-friendly too!"

"Why eco-friendly?! That's random! And surprisingly considerate of you!"

"Well obviously it's because Master wouldn't let me into the actual bomb materials pile so I worked with other stuff and now it probably smells nice too! If anything I'm doing good work! Master should be appreciative! Appreciative enough to let me back into the bomb room!" The orange in her hand falls into a dozen paper-thin slices and starts floating out of her hand. She turns to Okita. "You just destroyed mankind."

"Excuse me, remember when you made the Grail a bomb? _You lost a star!"_

"Yeah but it's okay because Archers beat Sabers anyways!"

"Yeah okay _I'm not taking that lying down IT'S NOT EVEN CANON HERE!"_

Nobunaga starts laughing. She summons a musket and twirls it idly. "What you gonna do about it?"

Okita dashes towards her at godspeed. "MUMYOU-" Nobu yelps and twists _just_ enough to get out of the path of the blade. "-SANDANZUK- _BWAH!"_

Okita hits the wall sword-first, and the collapse in casuality brings the whole structure down. Then her head mashes straight into some debris right as her tubercolosis starts acting up again and she knocks herself out. When the dust settles, the Saber is barely visible except for the single tuft of pink hair peeking through the pile of rubble.

"...Hah!" Nobu points and laughs. "It's not Okita-san's great victory!"

The dust settles further, revealing a pack of six people right behind the wall. One mountain of a man, two cute girls, some uncle, a girl with orange hair tied into a sidetail and a black-haired boy with – _oh crap._

Nobunaga finds herself locked in a gaze with her Master, his dead eyes glaring through her soul. Somehow, despite being, well, Oda fucking Nobunaga, she feels real fear creep up her spine, like a really bad massage Nobukatsu tried to give her once. It wasn't painful or anything, it was just really weird and scary. Kind of like now.

Whilst Kana Tohsaka skips forward and starts lifting concrete blocks off the comatose Okita, Ritsuka Tohsaka holds up a clenched fist, red command seals tattooed on the back glowing brightly. He nods at the Archer. _Fix it_ , he says without words. The threat that follows is implied and _oh-so-heavy_.

Nobu nods. There was no exchange of words but she hears it out and clear. She pulls out a broom and dustpan and starts working.

"Oh my _god_ Okita are you okay?!" Kana exclaims.

"Muhhhhh…." The Saber comatosely mumbles.

"Yeah I have a headache," Ritsuka sighs. "Sorry everyone, tour's cancelled. You guys know where the important places are anyways so I'll just take you to your quarters and we'll do this again tomorrow."

The Servants nod. Herakles points at the pile of debris, now with the peach-haired saber's head exposed.

"Yes please, Herakles. Thank you."

The Berserker nods and starts casually shifting the debris to one side before pulling the Saber out with a loud pop. Okita whimpers like a cold puppy, mouth dripping blood. Kana rushes to her and hugs her tight, cooing comforting nothings into her ear. Ritsuka sighs. She's going to be useless for the rest of the day. He already knows.

"This way, everyone," he says glumly, still carrying black keys and azoth daggers. He is going to melt all these down into mana _maliciously_ toda. "You're free for the rest of the day, do... whatever you want I guess."

* * *

"When I said whatever I want I didn't mean go to lunch with me."

"Nonsense. You look like you need a talk." Waver Velvet, Lord El Melloi II, and occasional collaborator of his parents, takes a sip of tea before savoring the smell. He grunts pleasantly. "I see Chaldea didn't skip out on the creature comforts."

Ritsuka looks at him with a frown. The magus sets down his cup with a solid 'clink' and clasps his hands. "You may ask the obvious question," he nods.

"How are you here?" The Master asks. "Last I checked _you_ told me modern humans can't qualify as Heroic Spirits."

"I'm a Pseudo-Servant," El Melloi II responds evenly. He takes out a cigar from his coat pocket and chews on it, doesn't even bother with a lighter. He snaps his fingers and fire comes out the tip of his thumb, which he uses instead. "The one I'm bonded with is Zhuge Liang."

"Ah." Ritsuka nods. He shakes his head. "Okay why and why."

"Because Zhuge Liang possesses a sufficiently inhuman mindset that he cannot be summoned without a vessel to inhabit. Or so he told me," the Clocktower lecturer says with a shrug. "As for your second question, it seems that the options for vessels are limited only to the humans involved in any given Holy Grail War. I participated in the Fourth, and I seemed the most appropriate fit for him, so here we are." He folds his fingers together and awaits the next batch of questions.

Ritsuka can't help but be amazed that he knew exactly what kind of 'why' questions he was asking. The boy was hoping that Waver would ask to clarify so he could vent more, but the grizzled Grail War veteran doesn't seem to care for teenagerisms. Such is the mettle of a top tier teacher of the magical arts. He thinks about more questions.

"What can you do?" Ritsuka asks, one eyebrow raised quizzically. As a Master, he needs to know what his Servants can do. Even if they look like senior figures from his life. Even if they _are_ said figures from his life.

Waver exhales a plume of grey cigar smoke out of his mouth, away from Ritsuka's direction, before responding. "I have all of Zhuge Liang's tactical and strategic genius, but in terms of combat I'm more suited as an advisor. If necessary I am more than capable of taking the field… but I'd rather not sit before an open gate playing a _guqin._ "

Ritsuka just stares blankly at the Clock Tower lord.

"...Nevermind," Waver sighs, massaging the bridge of his nose. "Regardless, as I am still El Melloi II, you can consult me about magical matters as well. If you wish, I can continue your tutoring."

Ritsuka considers the option. It would be a bargain; if this were anywhere but Chaldea, his lessons would be _incredibly_ expensive. Such was a Clocktower education. But he has other responsibilities. "If we have time," Ritsuka nods. "Thank you, Lord El Melloi II. I'm glad _you_ are here."

"Mm. Any other questions, Master?"

Ritsuka thinks for a moment. "What are the odds that one of my parents is summoned as a Pseudo-Servant?"

"Inordinately high. They were central to the course of the Fifth War, their importance in events second to none."

Ritsuka considers the implications of having the power to compel his parents to do anything. They trouble him greatly. He then considers the implications of his sister having the power to compel his parents to do anything. They make him shudder. "Caster, please keep quiet about this. If Kana asks, tell her you are a unique circumstance."

The magus raises his eye at the mention of his Class but nods stoically. "I don't see the concern, Master, but I will oblige. Any other questions?"

"Well, actually-" Out the corner of his eye Ritsuka spots a blur of purple and white across the sea of identical Chaldean uniforms, headed out of the cafeteria. "-Nothing for now, Lord El Melloi II. Welcome to Chaldea and enjoy the tea!"

Waver nods and continues smoking his cigar. Ritsuka climbs out of the bench and does his most dignified walk-run out of the cafeteria.

* * *

He finds her in one of Chaldea's gardens, sitting on a bench surrounded by greenery, reading from a small book with her legs neatly tucked. The image she strikes is one of a demure lady, someone to be protected. That couldn't be further from the truth, but he still wanted to try. Even if it was sheer folly to try and protect someone whose role was _to_ protected, he wanted to try.

She spots him as he ducks under a tree branch, the leaves rustling in the wind. Brushing a lock of violet hair aside, she smiles politely at Ritsuka and makes space on the bench for him. "Good afternoon, Ritsuka-senpai! How is your day?"

He smiles back at her. "Today has been fine, Mashu. We summoned a few more Servants today." He slides on his reading glasses before looking at her again, her violet eyes shyly avoiding eye contact. "How is yours?"

"It's been great! I finished up some combat sparring in the morning and got some instruction from Leonidas. I'll be sure to put it to good use in the next Singularity!"

Ritsuka nods appreciatively. Though Mashu Kyrielight possesses the power of a Servant – more specifically of a Shielder-class Servant, a class dedicated to protecting others – she lacks the experiences and instincts of a true hero. But her dilligence and stubborn determination to do all she can has made her every bit as reliable as any other hero in Chaldea. "Alright. I'll be counting on you, Mashu."

"Yes, senpai!"

They sit together in the garden under the shade of a tall tree, enjoying the breeze in the artificial sunlight. Ritsuka intellectually knows that none of this is real. The breeze is generated by fans and the sun is really just a large lamp. But here and now, beside Mashu, it feels like he's back at home, spending a lazy afternoon with his sister, his father or mother due to arrive with snacks at any moment. Its peaceful and nostalgic... A welcome change from everything.

He looks at Mashu beside him out the corner of his eye, keenly aware of every detail about the girl. Whenever she gently breathes, the way her lavender hair billows in the wind, how the pages ruffle as she turns them gently with her finger and thumb... Ritsuka feels a hot flush in his cheeks. He's known it since the day they met in Chaldea, in the hallway when she came to them with a little furry animal, a guiding angel in a snowy mountain fortress, after Kana had passed out on the floor from the simulation test.

She showed them the way, introduced them to Chaldea, and watched out for them. When Ritsuka found her crushed under fallen debris after the explosion, he had felt more lost than ever. No amount of magecraft could have saved her, not in the state he found her, not as he was. When he awoke in Fuyuki and saw her... Frankly the first thing he felt was relief.

And then she proved herself throughout the singularity, and then again in France. She wasn't just kind and helpful, but fierce and driven. She wanted to be more, to protect others with her newfound power, to be worthy of her new strength. He wanted to help her. He wanted to _be_ with her. And Kana could mock him all she wants, he'll do it anyways.

Ritsuka takes a deep breath as he closes his book with a small 'clap'. Mashu looks up at him with surprise. "Senpai?" she asks.

"This might be a bit sudden, Mashu, but... I like you."

"Huh? I like you too, senpai." Her expression turns to horror. "D-Did you not like me before?"

"What?! No no, I always liked you!" He puts his hands together, trying not to twiddle his thumbs. Dammit man, grow a backbone and be like dad. Just _say_ it, nevermind the embarrassment! "I mean I... I _love_ you, Mashu. I want to be with you forever. That kind of like." He maintains eye contact, no matter how awkward it feels. Dear god please be merciful.

Mashu looks back at him with a blank expression. Then her cheeks turn red, then her whole face. "...Eh? E-EH?! S-Senpai thinks of me t-t-that way?!"

"Y-Yes," Ritsuka says, looking away and scratching the itch that suddenly appears on his cheek. He's not shy, no, not at all. Tohsakas are always elegant, there's no time to be shy. "W-Well? H-H-How about y-you?"

Mashu takes a deep breath, hands on her lap. "Ritsuka-senpai, I..."

His hands ball into fists. This is it, Ritsuka Tohsaka. Be a man. Be _the_ man. Protect her. Become the shielder's shield.

"I... I-I'm sorry _I-I-I CAN'T!"_

His heart stops. Ritsuka feels like he just died. Like the girl just put a hand grenade in his cold clammy hands and pulled the pin. "...Eh?"

"I'm sorry, senpai! I-I... I need to think about this!" Mashu stands up abruptly in a swirl of mana, instantly clad in her servant armor. She bows quickly to him. "H-Have a good day, Ritsuka-senpai! I ne-need to go somewhere! E-E-ENJOY YOUR BOOK!"

"M-Mashu wai-"

She disappears in a gust of wind, sprinting out of the garden. Ritsuka continues sitting on the bench, all colour gone from their existence.

Everything is black and white and grey and dead now. Its sad. He tried and he failed. Is this hell? Did he die and go back to the Root? Funny, he thought it would be a lot less comprehensible.

Ritsuka Tohsaka stays there for a very, very long time, unmoving.

* * *

"Yoooo, Maaaaaaster... I cleaned up the room... Where are yoooooou..." Nobunaga ducks under a tree branch before finding Cu Chulainn sitting next to their male Master on the bench, his eyes closed and his hands clapped together. "Hey, dog! What happened to him?"

"I'm not a dog. Don't call me dog," Cu responds firmly. He opens his eyes as Nobu approaches, holding the broom over her shoulders. "Master here got involved in some lady troubles. He's been in hell ever since."

"Mm. I see, I see." Nobu nods sagely. "Well, can't be helped! Dog, we'll just have to break him out of hell!"

Lancer rolls his eyes. "Right, and how are you-" He narrows his eyes when the Archer produces an orange in her palm. "Now what is _that_ supposed to be?"

"Behold, dog, the Nobu-Bombu v2.0! Just press the button and-"

Lancer stabs it with the tip of his red spear. There is an ominous ticking sound.

The Demon King of the Sixth Heaven looks down at the impaled bomb-fruit in her hand, before making eye contact with the spearman. "Why this?" Nobu asks, whimpering.

"Because I'm not a dog," Cu whispers back.

The orange bulges dangerously and explodes in the palm of her hand. The Archer screams and throws the orange at the Lancer. He bats it back into her face with ease. There is a loud flash as Nobunaga is flung away by the shockwave, while Cu handily escapes the blast radius with his Master in hand.

When the dust settles, Nobunaga weakly looks up and sees Lancer looking down at her, smug as can be. "H-How..." she rasps. "How the hell did you dodge THAT?!"

"You threw it. So I dodged it." He shrugs and smirks maliciously. "Protection from Arrows. It is a dog thing."

"...That's not an arrow!"

"Girl you'd be surprised what does and doesn't count as an arrow." He holds Ritsuka out like a kitten and starts shaking him. "Hey, Master! Time to wake up! Nobu made another bomb!"

"...Muuuh?" The Master groans as his eyes open. He sobers up immediately. "She did _WHAT?!"_

It is said that Nobunaga's screams could be heard into the dead of the night.

 **\- End Chapter One -**


	2. Chapter 2

"He _what?!"_ Kana sputters. She doesn't even notice that the floor is now covered in grape juice, or that the juice box in her hand just got crushed flat. " _You what?!"_

It is later in the day, nearing the evening cycle in Chaldea, and inside Kana's quarters the female Master comes out of the shower, grape juice in hand, to find Mashu kneeling before her, head touching the ground. That literally never happens. No one ever _actually_ bows like this. It would be more amazing if it wasn't so unbelievable.

"P-Please forgive me, Kana-senpai!" Mashu shouts, her voice muffled by the fact that she's face down on the ground. "I just didn't-"

"No no _slow down_ I literally just came out of the shower." Kana grabs Mashu by the shoulders and lifts her up, only shaking her a little bit. "Start from the beginning. What the crap did my brother try to pull, and how long until his heart stops being broken into a thousand tiny fragments?"

Mashu whimpers at the mention of breaking Ritsuka's heart.

"I-I mean, until he stops being a baby," Kana repeats, smiling strangely.

"W-Well... I was reading in the garden..."

* * *

 _When the world of 2026 burned, Chaldea alone survived_

 _Now it embarks on the Grand Order, resolving the snarls of the past in order to save the future_

 _Scarred by betrayal, a mere shadow of itself, mankind endures regardless_

 _Ever yearning for the world that they lost_

 _And eternally salty that they won't get their waifu_

 _Such is..._

 _ **FATE/SUNNY ORDER**_

* * *

"...Is what she told me," Kana says the next day while sitting on her brother's bed.

Ritsuka says nothing. He's underneath five different blankets, balled up around him like some sort of cocoon, or perhaps an always-active defensive noble phantasm. In the darkness of the Master's room there is only unfinished paperwork, a red pendant dangling from a hook on the wall, and a lot of bitter regret. Kana sighs as she pats the top of the blanket pile, at the rough approximation of where she _thinks_ her brother's head is. He could well be upside down. She doesn't know. He probably isn't because Rits isn't an idiot, but who knows? He might be trying to commit suicide the ancient chinese way. "Come _on_ Ritsuka, you can't be mopey forever. So what if she didn't accept? She didn't reject you!"

" _She totally rejected him, Master,"_ Cu comments beside her, his voice ethereal from spirit form. The redheaded Master glares at him, _knowing_ he's there even though he is invisible. " _What? It's true."_

"You are _not_ helping here, Lancer."

Ritsuka grumbles something like agreement from under his fortress of warm cosiness. Kana continues patting where she thinks his head is. "It's his first time," Kana explains sharply.

" _Oh, huh. This late?"_ Lancer whistles and materialises, skintight bodysuit showing off his well-defined musculature— _Dammit Kana focus and be a good sister._ Admiration comes later. "Man, that's no good, Master! You have to be bold, and you have to be LOUD! That's how you get girls to like you! Let me tell you, Master, girls like men who can fight and who fear nothing! Shielder is just testing you, and you're not getting anywhere the way you are right now."

"That is startlingly presumptuous and I think slightly sexist," Kana states dryly.

Lancer looks back at her with a grin. "Well, am I wrong?"

Stupid sexy Lancer, being stupid and sexy and possibly stupidly sexy. "Point is, bro, go talk to her. And stop being such a stuttering mess! At the very least go squeeze an actual answer out of her."

Ritsuka says nothing. He squeezes his head out of the blankets and looks gloomily at Kana. "Did she say anything to you?"

"Lots. Why?" Kana raises her hand to her mouth, a cheeky glint in her eyes. "Ho? You want to know about the girl talk we had~?"

His look is entirely unamused and possibly suicidal. Yep. Joking around was a mistake. "Did she tell you why she dumped me?"

"Hm..." Kana taps her chin thoughtfully. "Well, she said something along the lines of..."

"S...S-Senpai is too good for me."

Kana, halfway through slurping on another juice box, does a picture perfect spittake. She sprays grape juice all over the floor and doubles over laughing, until she realises Mashu is not joking. The other Tohsaka looks at her in mild shock. "...You're not joking. You _actually_ think he's better than you." Mashu nods shyly, her cheeks red. Kana slaps her forehead. "Holy shit."

"Senpai is... He's a talented magus, and he's so powerful. Back in Fuyuki, I saw him hold his own against several of those skeleton warriors, as many as I did! And in France, he took care of the french soldiers as well. Ritsuka-senpai can do all those things, and he's just human! I'm a Demi-Servant, but... I can barely keep up with him. A-And then!" Mashu holds her hands up to her chest. "And he's so nice, and always calm and collected... And he's always looking out for everyone! _And_ he's h...handsome! Y-Yeah! Handsome!"

"...You are wearing some rose-tinted glasses, aren't you?" Kana leans closer, right into Mashu's face, and pulls the Demi-Servant's glasses off. She folds the legs up and then tosses it away, then points at Mashu before she can protest. "You _like_ him too, don't you? And I mean like in the Ritsuka sense, not in the normal sense."

Mashu's face turns pink, then bright red. She looks down and nods, her heart pounding like a jackhammer.

"Yeah, see, I've known Guda eighteen years since, you know, I'm his twin sister? And let me tell you, he's really not perfect." Kana sits back, propping herself up with one hand and playing with her sidetail with the other. "Sure, he's got good circuits and a bunch of spells. But did you know he constantly fucks up incantations? Dude can't cast without biting his tongue. It's sad. And he's also a dork, and he's got no chill for shenanigans, _and_ he's the saltiest man alive about being unable to summon heroic spirits. Like, _god_ , it's not a big deal. He gets them through me anyways!" Kana stops to think, and then barks a laugh. "Hah! Holy shit! Technically, _you're_ the only servant he's ever summoned!"

"...I what?" Mashu asks, still beet red.

Kana waves her aside. "I'm messing around. Point is, he's not perfect. So don't you start thinking he is! It'll go to his head and then I'm going to have to pop him before he flies up into the ceiling and _man_ that is going to be a bitch and a half to clean up. He is _not_ too good for you, and even assuming that he is and I'm just biased, who cares? He doesn't think he is! And frankly?" Kana adds with a smirk. "You two look _adorable_ together."

"...You think we look adorable together?"

"She's cute enough for the two of you," Kana explains with a shrug. She pats her brother on the head again. "Don't feel down so much, Guda! She's just really shy, and apparently you're just really depressed! I'm certain the two of you are perfect together. Thoughts, Lancer?"

"Go for it, Master!" The Celt says with a thumbs up and a grin. "In fact, go for everyone! The only girl off limits is the one over here!"

Kana puts her head in her hands and sighs loudly. She _really_ should have seen this coming. When have the Irish _not_ been incredibly horny? Cu carries a _long red lance_ around for fucks sake. "Lancer by my Command Seal go take a cold shower." The red brand on her right hand flares bright and burns out, jolting Lancer with a wave of energy.

Cu shrugs as he starts to turn about involuntarily. "Not sure why you just wasted one, Master, but I'll leave you two alone. See ya!" He shimmers away into spirit form and heads off in a flash, leaving the siblings with just themselves. Kana turns around and pats Ritsuka on the head again.

"Feeling better?" She asks.

"...A bit. Thanks, Kana." Ritsuka frowns sharply at her. "Now stop patting me on the head. Seriously."

"No," she says, catlike.

Ritsuka sighs, but it lacks venom. He swings around and lightly smacks Kana with a pillow. His sister laughs and pats him on the head again.

* * *

"So _that's_ why Mashu was freaking out all night." Dr Roman, current acting director of Chaldea, leans forwards and rests his head on his hands. "You know, I always thought you two would be cute together! Since you accidentally walked in on me eating."

"Inside my room," Ritsuka completes with a deadpan expression.

The doctor coughs and waves it off. "Details," he says. "Nevermind that. How are the new servants integrating? Besides Lord El Melloi II; I spoke to him at the CIC earlier. He seems..." Roman lowers his head. "...Serious."

"I wish you'd be a bit more serious," Ritsuka says with a sigh. "...Besides him, d'Eon seems happy to meet Queen Marie again, Atalanta is enjoying herself in the large gardens, and Herakles is just wandering the facility and, I think, scaring the staff."

"That's... probably not good."

"Oh, he's not even trying, director! I told him to look around and make himself at home, and he smiles at people but then they run!"

Roman looks right at the Master, into his eyes. "That's _even worse._ "

Ritsuka shrugs. "He's big, he's friendly, and he's fuckmothering Hercules. I, for one, am extremely happy to have him."

"...Right. Well, at least he's only scaring them." Roman clears his throat and looks around. "Where is Kana?"

"She's doing the daily summons herself today. I'll update her later." Ritsuka leans forward, arms crossed. "So what is our status on the next singularity?"

"SHIVA is looking into it. Considering how long it took to find France, though, it might be a few more weeks." Roman sighs and rubs the back of his neck. "I'm sorry we haven't learned more, Ritsuka. Still, we _do_ know it should happen during the reign of _a_ Roman Emperor. So that should help narrow down the possible range of servants you encounter."

Ritsuka nods. That should be fine. "And what is our current deployment capacity?"

"Still the same. One servant per Master, and Mashu. Unfortunately, the damage was just that extensive. It's lucky that you and Kana are both talented magi, or we might not be able to send anyone else at all!"

Ritsuka nods, but it's a shame. He had hoped to have a larger squad for next time. Still, he can bring Herakles this time. Robin might like the reprieve. "And the supply situation?"

"If there's anything we're not hurting for," Roman says with a faint smile, "It's food. We'll have enough for months, even if all the Servants have three meals a day. And if we can harvest extra supplies from singularities, all the better. Oh!" Roman snaps his fingers. "By the way, Leo says that she'll have the Ascension system ready in a few days, a week at most! We should be able to develop the Servants' Saint Graphs further and give them additional skills, stat boosts, and maybe even new Noble Phantasms!"

Ritsuka widens both of his eyes, high enough that he _thinks_ he can feel the ceiling. "We can _do_ that?"

Roman chuckles smugly. "We're Chaldea. We've _already_ done the impossible. This isn't so hard for someone like me!"

"...You _do_ realise that _I'm_ doing most of the work, right Romani~~?"

Roman goes ghostly white, and Ritsuka looks over his shoulder. It was weird to begin with, but to this day Ritsuka still can't get over the fact that Leonardo Da Vinci is a woman. And not even because history made a mistake. He can get over that. Ritsuka has long since accepted it can happen. History is wrong. People are wrong. It happens.

But.

Leonardo. Da Vinci. Is a fucking woman. By _choice._

 _And looks like the Mona Lisa. By choice._

It's even a feature of his... her... their Noble Phantasm. Like Leonardo _wants_ to be a woman. A _deliberately bent gender._ Ritsuka's not even outraged. He's just shocked at this development. Still is. You'd think Leonardo would switch back and forth for his purpose of 'expanding his horizons' but no he has literally never seen him change back. A literal mystery for the ages. Maybe he'll just refer to Leonardo Da Vinci as female from now on, that might be easier.

Ritsuka will also never get used to it because word to the wise Leonardo Da Vinci is a bully.

" _L-Leo!"_ Roman squeaks, as happily as he can force out of his drying throat. "D-Didn't hear you come in! I've just finished my meeting with Ritsuka!"

"H-Hello," Ritsuka says politely, while frightened. Please please _please_ don't be evil.

"Oh, good!" Leonardo claps her hands together cutely, a bright smile on her face. "This is good timing! Romani, Ritsuka, could you help me with a _smaaaall_ project?"

A cold shudder climbs up Ritsuka's spine and refuses to leave. Judging by how sheet-white Roman is he feels much the same. Wow are his teeth chattering? This never happened in Fuyuki, where he was _literally in his burning hometown surrounded by dead familiar places._ "W-What about?" He asks.

Da Vinci continues smiling brightly. "Oh, you knowww... Mystic Codes!"

Ritsuka feels his soul leaving his body. He knew it. On some level he always knew it.

Leonardo Da Vinci loves playing dressup. And they are now her dolls.

* * *

"...Servant Saber, answering your summons. I will lend my sword to save humanity."

The servant has white hair and dark skin, wearing a veil on her head and a skimpy one-piece leotard. She wields a strange prismatic sword and stands ramrod stiff, like a pole – or a machine awaiting orders. She opens her eyes in a flash, both of them starkly red. "Are you my Master?" She asks.

Kana claps her hands together with glee. "Yep! I'm Kana. Your _other_ Master will be Ritsuka. You'll meet him later, he's a bit busy right now. Probably." She rubs her hands together. "Soooo what's your name?"

The girl has no visible reaction to having two Masters, just stoically accepting it as it is. "I am Atilla," the girl answers simply. "History knows me as Atilla the Hun."

Kana looks at her. Looks her up at down. Her Saber servant. A girl slightly shorter than her. With strange tattoos all over her body while wearing a small leotard. Someone with white hair and red eyes and a sword that looks like it came from space. Is Atilla the fucking Hun.

The _Scourge of God is a goddamn magical girl._

She lets out a laugh involuntarily. Saber looks at her. "Is something wrong, Master?"

Kana shakes her head, still grinning from ear to ear. "Nothing wrong at all! You know, I'm so excited that I'll finish the rest of the summonings later. Welcome to Chaldea! Let's go on a tour!"

"As you command, Master."

* * *

He was once the greatest hero of Greece. Son of Zeus. Father of Spartans. Slayer of the Hydra, and the Nemean Lion, and hundreds of other impossible beasts besides. His heaven-sent strength gave him the means to vanquish all foes, but it was his mind that crafted an immortal legend. It was with guile and guts and power that he became the awe-inspiring titan of woe he is remembered, a global legend known by all. In no small part due to Disney.

Now, Herakles is silenced by madness, his thoughts clouded by the same incoherence that drove him to slay his children and wife – but, thankfully, none of the fury. His thoughts are hardly together, like the barely-legible writings of a child, written slowly and crudely. The devil's trade of Madness Enhancement: Power for thought. And he was summoned having made it. Him, a hero who built a legend off guile.

If he had any coherent thought left to him, the man Herakles would have laughed himself silly. But he is purely a creature of instinct now, little more than an animal, one of the beasts that he killed in life. And with FATE crippled as it is, his Masters have no control over his Madness. Unlike his incarnation twenty two years ago, his insanity cannot be lifted.

And so driven by instinct and nothing else, he spends his days looking like a statue, his sword-axe held like a cane, standing before the deployment grounds, awaiting the next war. People pass by frequently, and he looks at them. Strangely enough, they walk faster when he does. Sometimes they run loudly. Sometimes they run back the way they came. It would be curious to anyone capable of thought.

But he simply looks on, waiting for war. For the next battle in this effort to save mankind, the pact he made before the chains of madness clapped around his neck once more.

Today, though, there is something else. A strange little creature looking up at him fearlessly, another even stranger creature standing atop her head, yipping rudely at him.

"Ah! Fou, no!" Mashu picks the little creature up and hugs him tight against her chest, and the fluffy bunny-cat melts instantly in her embrace. She looks up at Herakles, her one uncovered eye wide with curiosity. Herakles looks back at her, silent and still. "So you're Herakles?"

Herakles grunts in response. Mashu lowers her head, nodding to herself, before looking up at him again with a bright smile. "Do you know Leonidas?"

Herakles does not respond. If he did know the King of the Spartans, the one who lead that legendary action at Thermopylae, he does not show any sign. The obsidian giant simply looks back at her, his pale yellow eyes blank and unfeeling.

Mashu frowns and looks back down at the animal in her embrace. "I don't think he talks, Fou."

"Fouuuuuu..." The little creature squeaks. It worms out of the girl's hug and leaps right onto the Berserker. Herakles does not react as he pitter-patters up his bicep, across his shoulders, and right onto his head, panting heavily like he had just hiked up a perilously tall mountain.

"Fou! Get down, you're bothering Herakles!"

"Fou!" The little creature refuses.

Herakles grunts genially.

Mashu looks up at him. She tilts her head. "You... understand me?"

The Berserker does not respond. He just continues looking at her. Mashu frowns, rubbing her chin.

"Herakles... Do you mind if Fou stays here for a while?"

"Fou... Fouuuu..."

"...Not that I can bring him down, hehe," she says shyly. Herakles continues looking at her, like a mountain gazing down at a canyon. Mashu wilts under his gaze, halfway to becoming a shivering, stuttering pile of pudding.

Herakles closes his eyes. He grunts, and continues standing still as a statue, standing guard by the deployment center. Fou continues napping atop his wild mane of hair, feeling – and quite literally being – on top of the world.

Mashu looks at this scene with wonder. She quickly fishes out a small black slab from her hoodie jacket, takes a quick picture, and smiles at the Berserker again. "Thank you, Herakles! You're really nice!"

Herakles grunts one last time and nods. With a titter in the air and a skip in her step, Mashu goes on her way.

He continues standing there, driven by instinct alone. A lonely mountain, guarding the last hope of man. A hero protects, even if he has no reason to. Even without his reason, he will protect the world. That is just how a hero is. And Herakles, Son of Zeus and God of Strength, is a hero.

A hero with a small fluffy creature sleeping atop his head.

...Truly, no finer son of Greece will ever be born.

* * *

"Soooooo Caster!"

"Good morning, Master," the Witch of Colchis says absent-mindedly to her Master. The moment she had stepped into her Temple – which, granted, was actually fairly small and confined to one of Chaldea's briefing halls – she knew that Kana was there, of course. Her and the other presence. Strong power, but otherwise uninteresting. She wasn't going to get anything out of suborning Chaldea for her own uses, after all. Instead she spends her time devising traps and crafting potions for her own amusement. "I sense another Servant?"

"Yep! Also call me Kana!" Of her Masters, however, she had to admit she liked Ritsuka better. Certainly, Kana had more energy, and in terms of herding Servant was second to none. Ritsuka possessed a quieter air, the ice to Kana's fire. Not that he was icy and distant to his summons, far from it. But he was not especially personal. He was also far more respectful and an actual Magus, all the respect and none of the disgusting selfishness. "Wanna see? She's a Saber!"

Medea sighs as she turns away from her cauldron, letting her beaker and test tube hang in the air because she can. In her territory, her word was absolute. However, her Masters _did_ have regenerating Command Seals. "Who is it, Maste..."

She rubs her eyes. Caster pulls her hood back as she inspects the Saber, up and down. Aesthetically, her form was ideal. Rough, coarse, emotionless, but she had a natural elegance to her that she could refine, perfect, and turn into something _wonderful._ Medea raises a hand to her mouth, faint from all the things she could _do._

"You like her?" Kana asks, grinning brightly.

"S-She's wonderful!" Medea says. "Almost as – no, _just_ as cute as the King of Knights, in a different direction! Master, who is she and when do I start?"

"I don't... understand?" Saber says, tilting her head. "Understand?" She repeats, like the word itself was unfamiliar. Medea could die from that – but in her territory, her word was absolute.

"She's _Attila the Hun,_ " Kana stage-whispers.

"...The Scourge of God?" Medea's eyes go from enthralled to devious. "Ara~... What an interesting specimen~~"

"I know right? Hey, Medea, could you make her fabulous or something? She'll be _so cute._ "

Medea nods. "We are agreed! As your Servant I am bound to obey your orders! Leave this to me, Master!"

"...Master, I don't understand," Attila says quietly.

Kana gives her a thumbs up. "Awesome! I'll go back to summoning, you two have fun!"

The Witch of Colchis' excited cackling could be heard even after the Master left, promising glorious things in the future to come...

* * *

"I hate you."

"But I try so hard!" Da Vinci pouts. She giggles as Ritsuka sighs and rolls his eyes, forced to look at himself in a full sized mirror, wearing a blue evening dress. He had to admit the dress looks nice, but the person wearing it could stand to jump into a fire right about _four hours ago._

"She tries so hard, Ritsuka," Roman echoes, the acting-Director somewhere between amused and beleagured. The useless man was wearing a matching red tuxedo, one that fit him perfectly. _He_ gets to look like some sort of high class twit with a martini and a monocle. Meanwhile Ritsuka is made to _be a girl._ "You should cut her a little slack! This is supposed to help you, after all!"

"I fail to see how wearing a dress is going to help me," the Master grumbles. "Unless you're trying to make me lose the will to live! Because if so, _good job._ "

Da Vinci chuckles and pats him on the head. "Oh, let an old lady have some fun, Ritsuka. Besides, you look fantastic! You should wear dresses more often!"

"Da Vinci I don't think bullying him more right now will help," Roman says.

"Yeah _Da Vinci_ I don't think bullying me more right now _is helping_ ," Ritsuka repeats bitterly.

"Also we're preparing these Mystic Codes so that in the event of, say, your gender being reversed, you'll still be able to deploy on missions into singularities that may or may not require you to be in formal attire!"

He blinks at that. "Wait. What?"

"Oh yes," Roman nods. "We're in uncharted territory, and while Leyshifting itself might be a mostly-solved science, the regions you go to may leave lasting effects. To say nothing of any hostile Servants!"

"...I'm going to try and not ponder those implications," Ritsuka says. "In that case _why am I wearing this dress now?_ My proportions are going to change when I... change!"

Da Vinci and Roman say nothing for a moment. They look at each other quickly before looking back at Ritsuka. "It's to make sure the style fits!" Da Vinci says cheerfully. "By the way, I love the dress. It brings the blue out of your eyes!"

"I respect you greatly, Ritsuka," Roman says to him, one hand clapped on his shoulder. "Don't you forget that. Ever."

"I hate the both of you," Ritsuka glowers.

The doors slide open suddenly, Mashu carrying two lunch boxes. "Doctor! Leo! I brought food, since you didn't show up for..." She freezes. The Shielder and the Master share a look for an ephermeal instant. Time stops. Normally, Ritsuka would love for this moment to never end, but _in this specific circumstance_ he really hopes time keeps moving.

Mashu's pale skin goes from white to red in an instant, like someone from on high – or Kana with a command seal – ordered it so. She quickly puts the boxes aside and looks away, staring up into a corner of the ceiling. "S-S-So I brought you two lunch!" She stutters, suddenly a nervous wreck. "R-R-Ritsuka-senpai! I didn't know you were here! S-Sorry I didn't knock!"

"I'm sorry for everything," Ritsuka responds, too dead inside for his voice to waver at all.

"...A-Ah, I'll go, uh... Go get lunch for you right now!"

"It's okay. I'll pick something up later."

"O-Okay!" Mashu bows. She bows again. "I'll make my leave! G-Good day, Leo! Good day, Doctor! G-G-G... _Good day,_ senpai!"

Mashu backs out of the door quickly, making tiny shuffling steps, before slamming the door shut in front of her. Ritsuka looks at the door for a while, blinking only occasionally. That... actually just happened. Dad was right.

Roman taps him on the shoulder. Ritsuka does not respond. "Aren't you going after her?"

"In a dress?" Ritsuka asks back, still dead. He shakes his head. "No. It's better this way."

"...I respect you greatly, Ritsuka. Don't you forget that. Ever."

"By the way, Ritsuka, I want to ask if you prefer frills or furs!"

"I prefer hiding in my room and never coming out again."

"...Furs it is!" Da Vinci pats him on the head with her mechanical arm. "You're free to go, Ritsuka! If there's anything else I'll contact you!"

The Master does not respond. He shambles out of the room as if in a daze, shoulders slouched and arms limp. He does not even take off the dress.

When the doors slide close behind him, Da Vinci and Roman look at each other. "I broke him, didn't I?" Da Vinci asks.

"More accurately I think young Mashu needs to learn some manners," Roman says. "Though... I'm impressed. It's like a scene out of one of my... novels."

"Oh! Romani, you simply _must_ lend me one of your novels to read! I'm interested!"

"...I'll do my best."

* * *

"Hey. Hey, Guda. What's wrong?"

They are back here again. Pitch black room. Fortress of blankets. A dark entity lurking beneath the sheets in deep slumber. And Lancer standing in the doorway, somewhere between bemused and concerned. Ritsuka says nothing. He hardly even moves, too emotionally dead to care.

"...Come on, I don't have all day," Kana sighs. "I gotta go get our new Saber – Attila the Hun by the way – from Caster's workshop and take lots of pictures! If this is because Mashu turned you down again I will jab you in the eyes."

More silence. Kana sighs and pills up her left sleeve.

"...Wait." The fortress of fluffiness stirs, and Ritsuka pokes his head out of the pile. "You summoned Attila the Hun? Why is he being dressed up at Medea's?"

"Oh, right, the best part: Attila the Hun is a fucking _magical girl!_ "

"What." He rubs his eyes. Looks at Lancer. Cu Chulainn gives him a single sedate nod. Dammit, she's not fucking with him. "What? What."

"It's amazing, you should come see her! She's _super cute_." Kana pats him on the head again. "Come on, live a little! It's not like Mashu dumped you again!"

Ritsuka's mood dies again. He crawls back under his sheets. "Mashu saw me wearing a dress," he says, still dead inside.

"...She probably hates that you look good in it," Kana guesses. "I know I do, when I stuffed you inside that tu-"

"Not the point S-SHUT UP!"

"-tu. Hm." Kana cups her chin briefly as she grunts in thought. "You know, I'm starting to think you're not very manly!"

"Don't you _fucking_ go the-"

"Man, actually," Kana says with a malicious grin, "Dad's probably horribly disappointed. His boy's not a manly man like he is." She looks over at Lancer. "Say it like it is, Cu!"

"I'm not _entirely_ sure who your father is but I can sort of agree," says the Lancer bluntly.

Ritsuka sits upright, fire in his eyes. "And mom's probably appalled that your butt's _huge!"_

Kana gasps. She trembles, tears starting to well in her eyes. "N-No... T-That's not true!"

He smirks, showing too many teeth and too much bloodthirst. "Say it like it is, _Cu._ "

"...Yeah, I can sort of see it," Cu Chulainn says, sagely nodding. "Congratulations, Master! You have a figure kings would go to war over!"

"NO!" Kana jumps to her feet, face red and cheeks puffed. "MY BUTT IS _NOT! BIG!"_

"It's a Tohsaka thing, sis," Ritsuka says with the inevitability of time backing his words. "Ask mom about it. Better yet, ask dad. Or, you know, _check a picture._ "

"NO! I REFUSE! IT'S NOT BIG!" Kana runs out of the room before Ritsuka can needle her any further, bowling past the Lancer as she sprints down the hall.

"You're my sister but I'm sure Lancer loved to see you leave!" He shouts after her. A moment passes. He looks at Cu. "You _did_ see her leave, right?"

"How could I not?" The Lancer asks. "I have to say, Master, I feel for you. She's a troublesome one."

Ritsuka shrugs. "I'm used to it."

"Well, alright then. If you need me you know how to call." Lancer kicks his red lance up and drapes it over his shoulders. "I'm going to make sure Caster doesn't cause trouble and enslave another Saber. Try not to cry in here so much! It's not manly!"

Lancer runs out, fading into spirit form, long before Ritsuka can shake his fist and protest.

 **\- Chapter Two End -**


	3. Chapter 3

"...Gotta admit, Caster. You are a witch, but you do good work."

"Of course. I was a Princess before I was a Witch, and we _always_ have an eye for fashion."

"Uhm." Attila looks down at herself, tugging at the hem of her white cheongsam. "I don't understand. Why am I wearing this?"

Inside Medea's Temple, her word is law. And Medea must say, she has done good work today. "Because you are a cute girl, Saber! Do you like the outfits?"

"They are..." The tanned Saber looks down, trying to find the words. "...Cute."

Medea nearly cries out as she holds her hands over her heart. Lancer looks away, trying – and failing – not to look at Attila. "This is a good day to have Battle Continuation," he says. "Still, I guess if Master put you up to this, it's okay."

"Okay? _Okay?!_ " Medea turns around in a furious flourish, pointing dramatically at him. "This is _more_ than okay, Lancer! I spent an entire day playing with – I mean working on Saber's style! This is _perfection!_ "

"It's pretty good," Lancer shrugs. "What do you think, Saber?"

"...Cute." She tilts her head. "Cute? Is it... cute?"

"I would say so yes," Lancer nods, while Caster tries to survive another heart attack. She succeeds by the skin of her teeth, for in her territory her word is law and death would be a crime. "So, Attila the Hun huh?"

"That is my title yes," Saber nods. "Why?"

"Not much, I just wonder..."

"Hold it." Medea points at Cu again. "If you are going to fight her, do it when she _isn't_ wearing one of her perfect dresses. What are you, some kind of dog?"

"That was intentional."

"And if it is?"

Lancer looks at her flatly, his gaze promising revenge. He looks back over at Attila. "So, what do you think Saber? Accept my challenge?"

The Saber looks straight through him. "No. I like dresses. They are cute." She looks over at Caster. "Are there more dresses?"

"Of course!" Medea says cheerfully. "This way, Saber~" She guides Attila by the shoulders, all while shooting Cu a smug look. "And you, Lancer, should know your place. _Dog._ "

Cu thinks quietly, simmering in irritation as Medea and Attila head further into her Temple. "Yep," He decides after some thought. "Revenge it is."

* * *

 _When the world of 2026 burned, Chaldea alone survived_

 _Drifting along the Kaleidoscope, the sea of possibility, it seeks to save the past_

 _A song on their lips and a fire in their hearts, they fight to save the past in order to save the future_

 _Standing together to endure against their foe, seeking victory for the sake of their world_

 _Trying not to be consumed by petty revenge plots or the vagaries of chance_

 _And invariably failing, because the Gacha taketh and the Gacha never giveth_

 _Such is..._

 _ **FATE/SUNNY ORDER**_

* * *

"..A-And then he says that I should _look at a picture!_ "

Mashu looks at Kana, her expression thoroughly unimpressed. "Kana-senpai... Are you for real right now?"

"What?" Kana hugs the pillow tighter, mashing it against her chest and covering her mouth with it. "But Ritsuka's such a meanie! I do _not_ have a-"

Mashu clears her throat loudly. "Kana-senpai, you are, speaking quite honestly, a pretty girl with a nice body. I don't get why this is a problem. If anything _I_ have a problem."

"TOMBOYS DON'T HAVE CURVES!" Kana shouts, her words only slightly muffled. "And look at you! You're curvy too! Don't you have a problem with it?!"

"...Only if someone notices it," Mashu says furtively, her eyes looking away. She coughs again. "A-Anyways! I'm (mostly) comfortable with my body and you should be too!"

"B-BUT!" Kana tries to speak up, but her voice just falters and she is unable to carry through. "B-But... I was happier being flat and skinny..."

"Hm?" Mashu glances at her chest. It's not nothing, but they are not particularly substantial either. "You are quite modest though?"

"I'm wearing a sports bra," Kana explains. "Have been for _years._ Why do you think I have an extra belt on my uniform?"

"Ah." Mashu nods. She frowns. "Wait, isn't it bad for your-"

"It's cool, I have magic." The Master sighs and flops back on Mashu's bed. "I actually wanted to be like my dad, you know? Go on adventures, save people, be a hero that fights evil!"

"Don't heroes necessarily need villains?" Mashu points out. "To define good you must have evil. To save people you need to have people that need to be saved."

"Psh, no, I'm not in it to be someone who saves people, I just want to help people who need it. If people stop needing to be rescued from horrible people I'm happy to spend my life playing video games and crap." Kana sighs loudly. "Dad seems different, though. Like he's only happy when he's helping others."

"Wouldn't know how that feels," Mashu says quietly.

"No, you're just too shy and nice to be selfish once in a while. Seriously, go talk to Rits already, he literally fell into another depression spiral that led to _me_ bitching to you right now." Kana stops, just looking up into the ceiling. "Dad's... Well, mom told me he was distorted, once – basically sparkly wizard bullshit for 'fucked in the head'. He genuinely never felt happiness unless he was helping others. Or, rather, he only felt happy as someone who helped others. Otherwise he was just going through the motions, pretending to be a person."

The Shielder falls quiet. She looks down, hair covering her eyes. "I... see."

"Yeah, it was a shitty way to live. Mom managed to help him – I like to think I helped too – but there's always that look in his eyes, like he wants to be out there saving people and not spending time at home." Kana shrugs. "Mom was a little freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like dad – though that might also be because I made a sword like he does."

Mashu frowns. "When you say 'make a sword', do you mean..."

"Yeah, I Project a little. Watch." The Tohsaka raises a hand and green lines start pulsing along her arm. "Manman terotero!"

There is a flash of green, and then in her hands is an english arming sword, crafted to perfection. Mashu looks at it, eyes wide. "You... Actually did it? But I thought Projection was-"

"Yeah, it's a dead end path. Inefficient,empty, and brittle." Kana sits upright and hands the sword to the Shielder. Mashu takes it, feeling the weight of the blade. Well balanced and... familiar, somehow. "Mine are better than most – dad taught me his steps and they seem to work pretty good – but they're still kind of crap. And he's still better than me."

The Shielder frowns again. "So that sword in Singularity F, when you were protecting the Director..."

"Yep! I made it! Of course, magicing up a sword is only half the battle. I was also taught to use the blade!" Kana frowns as she remembers, just as Mashu does. "...By the Saber we fought in Fuyuki, actually."

The violet-haired Demi-Shielder nods. "King Arthur, was it?" Kana nods. "You know, I didn't expect the legendary King of Britain to be a girl."

Kana flaps her hands. " At least she put up one hell of a fight! Honestly, if Caster wasn't there we'd be dead." She sighs happily. "And now we've summoned him as Lancer. Good times! Speaking of, go talk to Rits."

Mashu frowns. "That was random."

"It's called an abrupt topic change, sheesh."

"Speaking of..." This time, Mashu picks up a pillow and hugs it tight. "I... Saw Ritsuka-senpai wearing a dress."

"Oh?" Kana's smile grows into a cheeky grin as she leans closer to Mashu. "What did you think~?"

"...Honestly I'm more jealous that he looks good in it. Seriously. Senpai would be a cute girl and I'm not sure how I feel about that."

Kana titters as she rolls off the bed. "Well, I could just get a wig and some contacts and you'll get the gist of it~"

"Senpai please no."

The doors slide open abruptly before the situation can escalate, and Ritsuka stands in the doorway wearing a serious expression. Before Kana can make a joke or imply anything, he speaks. "So I hear you haven't finished your daily summons," he says, grimacing. It does not reach his eyes. Ritsuka glances over at Mashu and nods. "Sorry for what happened earlier."

Mashu just nods, her face visibly red even though she's covering most of it. Kana just sighs as she stands up, dismisses her projection, and heads off with her brother.

"So, what, you want to roll?"

"After what I said to you earlier... Nah, you handle it."

Kana grins as she hugs her brother from behind. "Thanks, Guda. And sorry for all the shenanigans, too."

"Mmhm," Ritsuka nods, the day brighter now.

* * *

"I hate you," Ritsuka says, the day darker now. And not just because they were inside the dark summoning chamber. A pillar was piercing the ceiling now, as three prismatic rings of energy swirl around them.

Kana shrugs, a smug grin on her face, as the summon concludes. Seriously what the actual fuck this is her _first roll. She has eight more to go._

And standing before them is a girl with golden-spun hair tied into a braid, wearing an elegant blue ballroom dress with poofy shoulders. All of Ritsuka's frustration and jealousy shrivels up and dies as the light dims and realisation takes over. All the other Servants they summoned seem to remember prior summonings... Could it happen? Can he believe in it?

"I am Servant Saber, and I so swear my sword to the salvation of mankind. I ask of you." She opens her eyes, bright green gemstones that dazzle in the light. "Are you my... Kana? Ritsuka?"

"AUNT SABER?!" Kana explodes into action before he does, throwing her arms out around their new summon. "AUNT SABER YOU ACTUALLY CAME _OH MY GOD!"_

Arturia Pendragon, King of Knights, Lord of the Round Table, wielder of Excalibur and magical familiar of both Shirou Emiya and Rin Tohsaka, just stands in stunned silence as Ritsuka Tohsaka joins in, wrapping his arms around both of them, and only numbly raising her arms to receive their embrace.

* * *

Ever since they were old enough to learn about the tales of King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table, he and his sister knew that their honorary aunt, godmother, and babysitter was someone special. Sure, for the longest time Ritsuka didn't actually believe that their kind, gluttonous caretaker was actually the legendary King of the Britons, but Kana took to it like water for the thirsty, and eventually even he could not refute the truth, that his parents weren't playing a prank on him.

And when Ritsuka and Kana both joined Chaldea, both learned that their role would be to summon heroes from myth and antiquity to save mankind, and learned that they were all that was left _to_ save mankind... They knew that _she_ would come, sooner or later. Why wouldn't the noble King of Knights come to fight for their survival? Such a battle demanded the presence of a chivalrous knight, to say nothing of a knight each of them knew _personally._ The only question was whether she would remember.

Intellectually, Ritsuka knew that Servants were merely copies spun from the Throne of Heroes, reflections of one facet of the greater whole. A Heroic Spirit was an existence too great for a 'mere' Grail to incarnate, and never in full regardless. Memories made in a Grail War would be forgotten, at best remembered in books and archives with none of the emotion. He knew that she would not remember. All the facts pointed that way. Kana refused to accept that, but... Kana never paid attention in class. She wouldn't know.

And yet she was right, and he's happy for that. Their aunt remembers them. _Something_ survived of their world, and she was the most reliable person they knew.

They stand there hugging for ten minutes, overcome by emotion. But eventually even Kana had to admit; they had some explaining to do.

Saber broke their hug first, her face screwed in confusion. "FATE called and I answered, but... How are the two of you here?" She asks. "Last I remembered, the two of you were away on some sort of internship with an NGO..."

"Yeah that was Chaldea."

"Ah." Saber nods."I suppose I should be thankful, then. If I had to choose to be summoned by anyone but your parents, it would be the two of you. Though," she adds hopefully, "I don't suppose either of them are..."

Kana shakes her head sadly. "Just us. Dad didn't secretly join like I thought he would."

"Why would he? Dad has actual things to do?"

"I don't know because maybe he'd like to _travel through time?"_

"Why in the hell would our father want that when we can't even-"

"Ahem," Saber says firmly. Their verbal scuffle ends then and there. "If he isn't here then that is that. The two of you are simply going to have to learn to cook."

"I can make pasta," Ritsuka offers.

"I like hamburgers," Kana suggests.

Saber gives each of them a strained look. Ritsuka feels the disappointment crawling on his back. "It is... a start," Arturia decides. She dusts her sleeves and straightens any creases on her dress. "Well, shall we see the premises?"

Kana looks at Ritsuka. "Yeah, Guda, shall we see the premises?"

"We're not done with the summons yet, but..."

"Ah, my apologies then. I can wait." Saber steps to the side, hands behind her back. "Go on then. Let us see who else answers the call."

Kana titters as she steps forward, tossing another quartet of quartz into the circle. Once more three prismatic rings spin about the room before a pillar of light shoots into the ceiling, and when the light dies a dark man in red stands before her.

...Wait.

"I suppose this is Chaldea then," the man says, his eyes closed. He opens one of them, looking down at the redheaded Master with a grey eye. "So you're my Master?"

"...You are fucking me," Ritsuka sighs. The red man looks at him, one kinked eyebrow raised. "You are _actually fucking me._ "

"Language, Ritsuka," Saber says firmly. She works her jaw. "I have to concur however _what in the hell are you doing here, Red Archer?"_

"...You recognise me, King of Knights?" The red Archer asks, right as Kana falls into his chest and wraps her arms around him. "What are you doing, Master?"

"What kind of adorable daughteru would I be if I _didn't_ greet my dad home with a hug?" She asks back with a wide, cheeky grin. "Hi!"

"I... Uh." He looks at Ritsuka, currently rubbing his temples. "What is going on, other Master?"

"We know you are Heroic Spirit EMIYA," Ritsuka explains to him. And he had _nearly_ asked if this day could get any more interesting. Well as it turns out _yes it very much can._ At least he knows enough from asking mom about the Fifth Holy Grail War. "I am Ritsuka Tohsaka and that is Kana Tohsaka. We are the children of Rin Tohsaka and Shirou Emiya. Welcome to the Grand Order, please don't flip the fuck out."

"Ah." He looks down, Kana hugging him tight. EMIYA smiles softly, and puts one hand on her head. Kana giggles, happy for the affection. "Well, I suppose Rin succeeded after all – though more directly than I expected."

He looks up, a newfound determination – and hope – in his eyes. "I am EMIYA Shirou, Servant Archer. My swords are yours in salvation of mankind. And I look forward to fighting alongside you again, Saber," he adds.

"Yes," Arturia nods. "But tell me, Red Archer: Do you still cook?"

* * *

"Lancer, you _maniac!_ What have you done?!"

"Oh, you know. Dog things." Lancer sits down right in front of Caster's door, tapping _Gae Bolg_ on his shoulder like a fishing rod. "Why? Is something _missing?"_

"You know damn well what's missing!" The Princess of Colchis snaps. Her cloak is fully unfurled, runic circles traced within and around her all burning bright violet and charged with a monstrous amount of mana, enough to flatten buildings. "You are going to find them and give them back, or so help me _I will make you."_

"Wow, scary! I'm practically shaking, Caster!" Lancer smirks, stands up, and points _Gae Bolg_ at her. "Well? Come and make me."

"Uhm..." Attila pokes her head out from the door to Medea's Temple, wearing a shawl about her neck. "Caster, are you certain? Master will be displeased..."

"Yeah, Caster, are you certain?" Cu taunts. "I mean, they're just models of-"

Medea, Princess of Colchis, Witch of Betrayal, self-inflicted widow and (mostly) happily single, screeches and unloads enough mana to flatten a skyscraper upon the Lancer in the form of violently violet laser beams.

There is an explosion just as Ritsuka and Kana round the corner, and they spot a man in blue dashing down the corridor, weaving left and right, leaping between the walls, floor and ceiling while evading bright and dangerous laser beams. He periodically throws his arm backwards, and yellow flashes backlight him as he sprints furiously towards them.

Cu Chulainn skids to a stop inches before colliding into his Masters and snaps a salute, making an about-face just before Caster melts his face off with bright purple death. "Good evening, Master!" He shouts loudly, just in time for Medea to land and dismiss all of her spells. He looks back, eyes widening at Arturia's presence. "Oho! Saber's here too! Just two more and we'll have a Grail War reunion, Master!"

"Lancer," Arturia nods, somewhere between appreciative and cautious.

"Lancer," Ritsuka grunts. He points at Caster, who is grinding her teeth so loudly his eardrums are vibrating. "Should I ask?"

"I'm not sure, Master," Cu grins back. "Should you? It might be hell you're going into."

"I would recommend against it, Master," Archer says carefully. "He is _nothing_ but trouble." He shoots Lancer a dirty look, one the Celt notes immediately – and returns with a wolfish grin.

"Oho? And how would you know?" Lancer leans into Archer's face, close enough that their noses are almost touching. "Could it be? Is it because you're trouble yourself?"

Archer scoffs, exhaling right into Cu's face. "I'm simply explaining your tendency to stick your nose where it doesn't belong, _Hound of Chulainn._ "

"Hoho! So you _do_ remember, Red Archer!" He rears back, his red spear twirling. It stops, sharp end pointed right at Archer's throat. "Then how do you feel about finishing our fight?"

"Lancer..." Ritsuka warns in a low voice. Archer looks back, waiting for his Master's call. Ritsuka shakes his head. Kana nods vigorously. Archer sighs, and smiles smugly at Lancer.

"Unfortunately for you, Cu Chulainn, I am bound by honor to obey my young Masters," he says with a sly smirk. "Though, tell me; did the dogs enjoy the meal?"

Cu tenses. "Do you dare?"

"The meal, of course! When you fed them your honor!"

"Haha! You _do!"_ Lancer laughs, facing skywards as he covers his eyes. He takes one, two, three steps backward. And then in an instant all the mirth in his voice dies and he charges at the man in red, _Gae Bolg_ whistling as it darts right for the man's throat.

Archer grunts as he bats it aside with his twin blades, forced back with every blow despite his every effort. "Masters!" He shouts, despite being in a life or death battle. "I will be taking care of this dog for the next while! Please, don't worry about me!"

"Okay!" Kana says, waving after them. Ritsuka, for better or for worse, wasn't one for blindly listening to his father. "Lancer, I swear to _all the fucks in the world,_ if you kill him I'm handing you to Caster."

Cu throws his spear at Archer, and the blow forces EMIYA out of sight. "Relax, Master!" He shouts back, "I'll just maim him! Guys like him won't listen if I _only_ kill them!" He gives them a thumbs up before dashing right after the red Archer, gone in the blink of an eye.

Ritsuka sighs as the sounds of clashing steel and bone fade into the distance, and he looks at where Lancer came from to find all the craters, burn marks and shattered glass marking his wake. "Dammit," he sighs. "Caster, I want an explanation and then you're going to help clean this up!"

He waits. One second. Two seconds. Three seconds. Odd, Medea usually answers immediately, even if she only snickers in a sinister fashion. He looks around, and there are no servants to be found – no Lancers, Archers, Casters _or_ Sabers.

...No Sabers.

"Kana, where's Aunt Arturia?"

"Hm?" Kana looks back at him, head tilted. "I thought she was with you?"

"...Kana, _you_ are with me."

"Well my question is still valid! Where is she?"

* * *

"Yes, yes! Well done, Attila! You will be well rewarded!"

"Yes," the Scourge of Heaven says breathily, though she is not even winded.

Caster laughs as she flies through the air, dear Attila carrying Saber over her head as they sprint down the corridors. She never thought she would see the day where Saber, the King of Knights herself, would appear in Chaldea! And better - she would be _vulnerable!_ That buffoon Lancer was useful after all!

Bound in enchanted chains, there is little Saber can do but squirm ineffectually. And even her enhanced strength cannot escape Attila's grasp. "I will gut you where you stand Caster!" She threatens loudly. "By the grace of God UNHAND ME!"

"The Grace of God isn't here," Attila says flatly. "Only the Scourge of God."

Medea cackles sinisterly. "Why would I, Saber? I have _so many outfits_ for you to wear!"

Eyes wide, Saber looks down at her peer in the same class. Attila nods silently. "Cute," she says, her voice like a whisper. "...Are they cute?"

" _Very_ cute," Medea responds, her words entirely non-reassuring.

And so the King feels the fear deep inside the Buckingham, knowing the fate that awaits her.

 **\- End Chapter Three -**


	4. Chapter 4

"Okay," Ritsuka sighs, "Let's recap! Our alternate father is currently in a life-or-limb battle with our first summoned servant and general reliable standby, and the battle is probably going to end with someone horribly maimed. And our recently-returned Godmother has been abducted by a crazy greek archmage who really likes cute things."

"Caster needs other hobbies," Kana nods resolutely. "And to top it all off I'm pretty sure Attila was with her."

Ritsuka sighs and covers his face. "Fantastic, our mysterious new Saber is on Caster's side. There go, like, all my Command Seals."

"Or we could just talk to them," Kana shrugs.

"They're to keep Aunt Saber from murdering everyone."

A 2D image pops into existence right in front of the both of them, fizzling into existence. "There the two of you are!" The face of Romani Archaman says at them. "Report to the CIC quickly. We've got a breakthrough on finding the next Singularity!"

"...Doctor normally I'd be happy but right now we're in a situation too."

"Do we?" El Melloi II leans into frame, chomping significantly on a cigar. "From what I understand of the situation, Caster abducted Saber with the help of our other Saber, almost certainly to have her play dressup to her heart's content."

Kana looks gobsmacked at her tutor, while Ritsuka tries and fails to make noises with his mouth. "I did not know you have Clarivoyance," he finally says.

El Melloi II shakes his head. "I looked at the cameras and made a few guesses. Regardless, it does not seem like a crisis, does it? Saber won't die."

"She might die on the inside," Ritsuka shudders.

"No she won't," Kana says. "She'll just be filled with apoplectic fury that she can now act on! But I imagine that's why Caster has Attila in her camp. And with the threat of destroying Chaldea if she uses Excalibur, Aunt Saber will be forced to comply!"

"...Why do you know all this? How do you know all this?"

"It's what I'd do!"

"Uh." Mashu pokes her head out from the bottom of the screen. "If it's that much of a concern, senpai, I can go save her. I also have Magic Resistance A, remember?"

"...If you get caught in a dress I'm not apologising."

The girl returns with an immaculate smile. "Well I'm sure you'd still look better than me, Ritsuka-senpai."

"...Well played. Please do. We'll be there shortly."

"I could get a wiiiiiiig~" Kana sing-songs.

"I SAID WE'LL BE THERE SHORTLY. GOOD DAY DR ROMAN."

* * *

 _The year is 2026. Chaldea is all that is left of that era._

 _And the only hope of rescuing the rest of mankind is an exceptionally fickle Random Number Generator_

Damnation awaits in...

 ** _FATE/SUNNY ORDER_**

* * *

"Uh... Hi. I guess she caught you too?"

Arturia sighs as she looks at her fellow captive, visibly peeved. "A sneak attack, little more." She raises an eyebrow. "Do I know you?"

The peach-haired Saber frowns and claps her hands over her mouth. "I'm... not sure. Why?"

"I think I've seen your face before."

"...Weird, I feel the same way," she mumbles. "Oh, I almost forgot! Okita Souji, Captain of the Shinsengumi First Division, at your service!" She extends her hand cheerfully and quickly, like a knife thrusting for the kill. "I look forward to our Great Victory!"

 _"The_ Okita Souji?" Arturia shakes her hand quickly. "I've seen many a drama about the Shinsengumi, and I've always wanted to test my skills against yours!"

"R-Really?" Okita laughs nervously to herself. "Eheh… You know, it's kind of embarrassing to be praised by a knight like this…"

"Legend says that you were a prodigy with the blade, and ever since I crossed blades with… a particular swallow, I've wanted to test myself against the finest swordsmen of Japan!" Arturia frowns. "But I thought you were a man..."

Okita shrugs. "History thought Nobu was a man too!"

"Nobu… As in Oda Nobunaga, Demon King of the Sixth Heaven?"

"Yeah, she's actually a pain in the ass." Okita looks furtively from left to right. "So... which Knight are you?"

"Oh!" The King of Knights coughs and composes herself. "I am King Arthur, Once and Future King of Britain. But please, call me Arturia."

"Ah, nice to meet you, Arturia-san~" Okita smiles brightly at her, holding it for roughly five seconds before she recoils. "K-K-KING ARTHUR?! YOU ARE A GIRL?!"

"My father wanted a son. Destiny had other ideas. Also please call me Arturia."

Okita does not hear it. She's too busy cupping her burning cheeks. "Ohmygodohmygodohmygod King Arthur thinks I'm a good swordswoman this is the best day of my life." She looks down at the manacles clapped about her feet. "Second best day of my life." She looks over at Arturia again. "Still not sure why you look familiar, though."

"I'm sure that mystery will be resolved in time," Arturia says. She looks around, keen green eyes looking for anything they can use to escape. No such luck; their jail cell is entirely bare except for some mannikins and abandoned dresses. Not even a shawl or a toothpick. And, come to think of it, this isn't a jail cell at all. It's the inside of a closet. "How long have you been here, Okita Souji?"

"O-Okita's fine!" She says quickly. "S-Sakura Saber also! M-Man, I didn't ever expect to meet K-King Arthur!"

"It's been an interesting day," Arturia nods. Her expression turns bitter. "If only these were better times."

"...A-Anyways, I've been here since morning. It's not the first time, either..."

"That vixen has abducted you multiple times?" Arturia gasps. "How do you escape each time?"

"Well actually she just makes me wear clothes, gushes, and then lets me go as long as I promise to keep wearing the dress." Okita glances back, noticing Arturia's dead look in her eye, and nods. "I know, it's so anticlimactic right? I thought she would be doing something evil but... Well, no, abducting people to make them wear cute clothes is actually kind of evil..."

"The last time she abducted me, Caster tried to bend me to her will," Arturia says flatly, her words dripping with bitterness. "And she made me wear a r-ridiculous white dress while she tried to break me! With a Command Seal!"

Okita frowns. "Caster has Command Seals?"

"Worse, she can steal them." Okita gasps and Arturia nods. "She is a danger to Chaldea, and must be stopped - or, failing that, kept in check." The King of Knights frowns momentarily. "I fear she may be collaborating with Kana."

"Oh, she does. The only reason Attila is helping Caster is because Kana brought her here for a makeover."

"...When we get out of here, Okita, I am going to give Kana a spanking all my Knights would flinch at."

Okita blinks. She gives her a strange look. "That seems... excessive, King Arthur."

"Nothing is excessive with that girl, Okita. And Arturia is fine."

The closet door creaks open slowly, and all the blood in Arturia's veins freeze up. Her instincts scream, telling her to run, hide, beg, or possibly get cut to bits by Clarent again and then tell Bedivere to toss Excalibur back into the lake. Because dying on that hill is infinitely better than what is about to happen.

Attila pokes her head into the closet, her expression flat. "It's time for cute," she says evenly. She looks at the two Sabers. "Are you two cute?"

"Absolutely not," Arturia says immediately.

"The total opposite I swear," Okita squeaks.

"Hm." Attila tilts her head. She steps into the room, taking one slow agonising step at a time. "That's okay. You will be cute soon. Promise."

* * *

It is an unassuming sight, just a regular room like any of the others right next to it. The doors are white, nearly blending in with the uniform walls but for the touch screen right next to them But its deceptive normality bellies the oddities of this place, like the fact that the walls are only recently rebuilt, or that it is the quarter of a Servant. A pair of them, in fact.

Mashu Kyrielight, longtime member of Chaldea and Demi-Servant Shielder, takes a deep breath right on her doorstep. It cannot be helped. It must be done. Magic Resistance A or not, Mashu cannot fight against both Attila and Medea at the same time. She simply is not strong enough. The only way to win is with allies. And with Lancer fighting Archer, Leonidas taking a nap—meditative trance, Atalanta being scary, Robin hiding somewhere and Herakles looking after Fou... She has nowhere else to go.

She knocks on the door twice. A moment passes in silence.

"Enter," the dark lord within says, and so she does. The doors creek open, and she sees the Demon King herself, Oda Nobunaga, slouched against a chair, one leg up against her chest and one elbow perched atop it. Wearing only a t-shirt and shorts to go with her cap, she remains as menacing as ever – provided she isn't goofing off. "So, you need my help?"

Mashu nods. "Caster has captured Okita and our new Saber. You are Master's only hope."

"Hm," the Demon King grunts. She smiles viciously at a thought. "What are your terms?"

Mashu's eyes are resolute and unflinching. "I will pay any price."

Nobunaga's grin grows wider.

* * *

The door creaks open, and Attila steps forward, carrying two inexplicably identical Sabers on her shoulders. She walks with purpose and with care, making sure not to jostle her prisoners overmuch. Not that it helps, considering where she is taking them.

The witch's sanctum is every bit as sinister as Arturia remembers. The dimly lit blue torches lining the walls. The cool colours that belly its horrors and chill to the bone. A stage that glows with its own light, all the better to show off her creations. Rows and rows and rows of impeccably sewn outfits, each appropriate for a season, or occasion, or mood. And a small shrine at the back, difficult to read in clarity even with her own exceptional eyesight, speaking of... wait, no, that's not a shrine, that's a sewing machine. A... magical sewing machine, much like the kind Shirou has at home, but with fairies and magic instead of mechanisms and electricity.

...Actually thinking about it, besides the colour palette there is nothing about this place that resembles the church all those years ago. Hm. How devious. There is nothing for her to reference for her escape attempt.

"Here we go again," Okita sighs. "First she gushes about what she's going to do for you for half an hour, and then she makes you wear sixty different outfits, then she makes you do, like, a thousand poses, and if you don't do them with a smile and a skip she zaps you with lasers."

"Wouldn't our Magic Resistance be proof against that?" Arturia asks the Japanese Saber.

Okita looks away, hiding her flushed cheeks. "Well... my Magic Resistance is actually really bad."

"How bad?"

"...E Rank..."

"Ah." Saber nods in sympathy. "Well... Do your best, Okita Souji."

"Okita's fine, really."

"Caster," Attila announces, her face as flat and unemotive as if it was carved from wood, "I have them."

The Caster seems to appear from nowhere, violet butterflies flying from everywhere and concentrating into a ball rom which the Witch appears. Medea appears in a flash of sparkles, her eyes obscured by her hood but her sinister grin. "Ah~... Good work, Attila, with this we can finally begin!"

Attila tosses Okita into the air, the other Saber's screams fading as she heads skyward. She gently rotates Arturia and places her feet-first on the ground before catching the other Saber like a sack of flour, the Captain still screaming. Okita nearly rolls over into a ball when Attila sets her down feet-first as well, stopped only by the chains that keep her arms secure.

The King of Britain turns about, teeth bared, after a nod of solidarity to her companion. "You expect me to just accept this, Caster? Unlike the last time I'm not bound to you by Command Seals!" She flexes her arms and shatters the chains binding her with a burst of force, shattering them like foam just to prove her point. She points her sword at the Witch of Betrayal, the invisible wind-swept blade glistening in the pale light. "What is stopping me from just annihilating this wretched place?!"

Caster, despite the clear show of force, does not even flinch. She floats down onto the floor, keeping her hooded eyes on the blonde. "You mean, besides the fact that you'll destroy Chaldea and our Masters along with me?"

Arturia tenses. Damnation, it seems her bluff has been called. "Yes, besides that."

"I have a Saber under my control, dear Arturia," Medea says with a smile. She raises a hand, the space warping before it. Okita falls over twitching before standing up again, the chains slaking off her like rain. "And now I have two."

"Hate... My shitty... Magic Resistance...," Okita grumbles.

Arturia sighs and lowers Excalibur, resting its tip against the ground. Attila, she senses, is still standing beside Okita. She has made no move to surround her yet, and she can break off to the left. That will be the plan then. But she needs to throw Caster off-guard. FATE seems to retain memories, judging by Lancer and Caster's behaviour, which means...

"You disappoint your Master, Caster," Arturia scowls.

"Haaah?" Medea stops smiling, all her smug superiority lost. "Nonsense. You don't know what you're talking about, Saber."

Saber spots the slight wobble on Caster's lip and seizes her opportunity. "Dresses? Pictures? Hiding away in the depths of your temple, just making clothes no one will ever see? What, for your own enjoyment?"

"A-Attila sees them! A-A-And she enjoys them! R-Right?!"

"I enjoy cute things," Attila says blandly. She squats down, observing Caster intently. The Witch of Colchis flinches at the implication.

The chance is now. Arturia does her best cruel smile; no mercy for the wicked. "Face it, Caster! You are just a common otaku." Her smile turns positively feral. "Kuzuki Souichirou would be disgusted."

The shift in the air is palpable, even without the superhuman keeness of her Instinct. Medea stands there, stewing in the accusation. She exhales, drawing her hood down. For the first time since Caster died, Arturia sees the face of the Witch of Colchis.

Flushed, red, and brimming with embarrassed fury.

This is not a face she has ever seen before but it just might be her favourite expression ever.

"T-That's not true!" The Caster asserts. "S-Souichirou-sama would a-a-accept me!"

"You don't even believe that." Here it comes, the breaking point in their debate! Arturia slams Excalibur into the ground and points at her, Mana Burst flaring for emphasis. "Accept it, Medea of Colchis! You are a WEEABOO!"

"...No! N-NO! YOU LIE, SABER!" She snaps her fingers, the world sinking at her command, and Saber feels the ghost of a vice about her neck. It fades immediately, barely even a kiss against her magical resistance. "YOU LIE! A-And for l-l-lying you will be CUTE!"

And the moment has come. Saber breaks to the left, propelled by Invisible Air. Medea incants a second too late. Even with her Divine Words, she won't cast quickly enough to catch her. She raises Excalibur, now bared to the world, and swings to split the wall open-

She feels something heavy slam into the back of her neck. It throws her off balance and sends her into the ground. By the time she lifts her head and makes another break for it, Attila is already on her, prismatic sword at her neck.

"I am so sorry, King Arthur," Okita cries out. "I'm sorry I'm sorry dammit magic resistance!"

"Please..." the King of Knights rasps, "...Call me Arturia..."

The space about her freezes. Arturia curses. She has lost her chance and is now suspended in a hamster ball of solid space. She turns about against her own volition and finds herself face to face with Caster, Medea of Colchis wild-eyed and breathing erratically.

"Y-Yes,, yes Saber... Hee.. Hehehe..." Medea giggles, "I... I was going to be m-merciful, but I see now I was w-weak! You will be cute, a-and Souichirou-sama will accept me wh-when I present you to him!"

Arturia frowns. "Kuzuki Souichirou isn't in Chaldea."

"Eh? He-He isn't?" Caster tilts her head severely, down to a right angle, and lets out an unhinged giggle. "Then I'll just make you cute enough for both of us! Haha! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

She turns about, already disappearing into a flock of butterflies. "Attila! Okita! Strip her."

Both Sabers comply immediately, one willingly and the other unwillingly. Beneath Attila's unflinching stare and Okita's constant stream of apologies, somehow Arturia can only conclude that she has fucked up.

"Probably should have mentioned Jason," she murmurs, before surrendering her senses before trauma can set in.

* * *

"I definitely should have mentioned Jason." Wearing a tight race queen outfit with hardly any coverage and a colour scheme that was designed to draw attention to her... body, is there any question why Arturia's face is red and her dreams full of murder?

"Shut up, King Arthur, and smile!" Okita, wearing green and pink to contrast Arturia's blue and gold, strikes a pose instead. The camera flashes and she does the peace sign. "Just a bit longer," she says, "Just a bit longer and we can go!"

"Please, call me Arturia." Saber changes her pose, her smile beautiful but still strained, "And... Are you enjoying this?"

"...N-No?"

"Do smile, King of Knights. You are cute when you do." Beside the both of them, Attila does a cool, stoic pose at the camera. She wears a slight smile, the slightest crack in her stoic, unfeeling armor. "Yes, this is good civilisation."

"Hyaa~, this is good!" Caster, her hood lowered, cheers and claps her hands together. "Attila, you should pop your hips out some more!"

Attila nods. "Yes. I will do better."

"Okita, very good! But open your eyes more!"

The perky saber punches the air. "Ooosu!"

"...Arturia, I know you can smile better. And your pose is too wooden! You have to move, to flow like water! You stand like a man!"

"I am a king."

Caster harrumph and crosses her arms. "Well, right now you are a model. Nevermind, you are cute enough that it doesn't matter." She claps her hands together. "Alright! Next we will be doing competition swimsuits!"

Arturia looks about, inspecting every inch of this room. There isn't a pool anywhere here. "I'm not sure what the point is."

"The point, Saber, is that it looks good. And that is what matters." She gives the brit a piteous look. "Not that you'd understand, your majesty."

"Well excuse me, I was busy fighting the Sax-"

The wall explodes under the force of a hundred musket balls, not falling over so much as being pulverised by a massed rifle salvo. Medea clicks her tongue and sweeps the dust aside with the wave of a hand. What she sees is the face of a demon.

"-ons," Arturia finishes.

"I AM PURE EVIL!" The girl in black declares. "I BURN THE MONKMEN AND THE MONKWOMEN AND THE MONKCHILDREN!"

"Oh my god she's doing the speech," Okita sighs.

"Attila," Medea says.

"Yes," the Scourge of God nods, and charges for her immediately. Shielder moves, and the Sword of Mars is turned by the Shield of Mankind.

"Hurry up," Mashu grunts. She strains against the strength of the Hun, as Attila looks on with dispassionate inevitability.

"I DANCE ATSUMORI AND SLAUGHTER THOUSANDS!" The Demon Archer bellows. "WORSHIP ME! THERE ARE NONE BEFORE ME AND NONE AFTER ME! I AM THE DEMON KING OF THE SIXTH HEAVEN, ODA NOBUBU—Gah mah tonguhh!"

Nobunaga turns around and covers her mouth. All tension dies then and there. Even Attila, peerless and efficient walking genocide she is, stops matching her sword against Mashu's shield and just looks on, her expresison somehow deader than ever.

"...Are you okay?" A begrieved Mashu asks.

"'M FINE!" Nobu turns around with muskets in each hand. "I'M FINE SHUT UP LETS FIGHT!"

* * *

Their meeting was mercifully short, fortunately enough. Lord El Melloi II had left earlier to settle some matters, but offered a draft on their plan as well as some insights on the terrain and time period that should come in handy. The four of them left just stewed for a bit, discussing the nitty-gritty details. And off-topic tangents, as all meetings do.

"...So in conclusion, we're deploying to Rome tomorrow, but we can each bring an extra servant, yes?" Ritsuka asks. Roman nods back at him. "Even if one of the Servants we bring is Herakles? Or Attila? Or, say, King Arthur?"

"Yep!" For emphasis, Da Vinci flexes her mechanical arm and cups her slender bicep. "I managed to bring an additional reactor online! Feel free to praise me for being amazing."

Kana does fingerguns at Da Vinci. "You're pretty good."

Da Vinci returns it. "Kept you waiting, huh?"

A moment passes. Dr. Roman does a wonderfully awkward cat roar. Ritsuka just looks at each and every single one of them, dangerously unhinged memelords all. "I'm going now," he says, his soul having long escaped through his eyes. "Good day, everyone."

"Is something wrong with him?" Da Vinci stage-whispers to everyone.

"He's hunting alone," Kana stage-whispers in reply. "Ocelots are proud creatures: They hunt alone!"

Ritsuka struggles not to slap himself on the face. He also struggles not to slap her on the face. That would be rude. "Why do you insist on hurting me, Kana."

His sister giggles and offers no reply. Instead, Chaldea itself offers a response. A tremor rocks through the facility and nearly tips Roman's cup of coffee over. He looks at the spill on his desk with disdain and resignation, and reaches immediately for a towel.

Da Vinci frowns and holds her chin. "...That was not one of my projects," the inventor muses.

"That was probably Aunt Saber," Kana shrugs. She hops to her feet and bounces up and down on her heels. "Sooooo shall we?"

"Yeah," her elder brother (by six minutes) nods. "Hopefully she's not too angry."

"...Mind if I stand behind you? She likes you more."

Ritsuka gives her a bright smile. "No."

* * *

Sparks fly with every clash of their blades. The sky rings with a symphony of clashing steel. The battle the King spoke of has finally come, a day too soon in a life that should have never been. Atop the stage that had once been for a photoshoot, their fated duel finally comes to pass.

The blade that faces hers is uncertain yet peerless, wavering yet invisible. Following it is a pain even with her supernal instinct - and the woman who wields it is a ghost herself. Her speed is impossible, and the way she weaves across the battlefield even moreso. She seems to disappear with every step taken, as if the world itself moved as she did.

Arturia Pendragon swings once more, and once more Excalibur tastes fleeting steel. Her blade is a dragon, an irrepressible titan. But her opponent's blade is a ghost, a phantom with no form but what it wills.

Once more they clash, her blows turned with skill alone. And again, and again and again. Crashing steel, like a stone fighting the river. Her swings are turned aside with the talents of a prodigy, her guard constantly tested by a dozen thrusts at once.

"I am so sorry right now," Okita Souji weeps, her voice everywhere and nowhere. Though she speaks, she continues to move. And fight. "This isn't how I thought it would happen! I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT LIKE THIS, ARTURIA-SAN!"

"But let us use this opportunity regardless," Arturia responds coolly. She holds Excalibur before her, shifting and invisible. "Howl, Hammer of the Wind King: INVISIBLE AIR!"

The King slams Excalibur into the ground. A gale flares out about her feet, knocking aside stones and stands and any who would stand about her. The Captain is nowhere to be seen, untouched by the roar of the wind.

Instincts shout and drive her. She turns about, swinging about Excalibur to meet the blade of Okita Souji, spinning through the air.

"Hiken: MUMYOU-"

She sees a vision, Excalibur pierced by a blade that it has easily turned, her neck pierced by a blade that should have shattered. Arturia curses to herself that the wind has been spent. Mana Burst flares and Excalibur burns, a bright gold bonfire.

She swings. She stabs.

"-SANDANZUKI!"

Causality falters.

A sword of gold, not quite the light of a new dawn, rips the stage asunder.

Arturia hits the ground bent on one knee, her shoulder slick with blood and gushing a river of red. Okita twirls to her feet not far forward to her right. She flicks her blade and takes up another stance.

Saber smiles as she stands up again, Excalibur held in only one arm. This feels familiar, and not in a bad way. "Your technique is impressive, Okita. A localised collapse in causality?"

The Captain chuckles. She lets one arm fall limp by her side; the sleeve is torn, and it bleeds along a thin strip from shoulder to wrist. "And yours, Arturia-san. I'm sorry we had to fight today - but I'm glad it was against you!"

"And I, you. This duel reminds me of another samurai I fought once." Arturia smiles. She holds her blade up at the Captain. "Come, Okita Souji! The battle begins now!"

Okita trips over herself.

"...Eh?"

She falls to her knees, clutching at her neck. Okita bends over and coughs out a mouthful of blood. Her complexion goes from pale to faint.

"Okita!" Saber takes a step towards her. She jumps, just in time to avoid another slash. She lands as the 1st Division Captain stands, using her sword as a cane. A pale blue-green haori patterned with white triangles spawns about her arms and shoulders as she stumbles onto her feet.

"What are you doing… Arturia-san…" Okita smiles. She wipes the blood from her mouth and holds her sword parallel to the ground. Another trail of red drips from the corner of her mouth "Our duel… is not yet complete!"

She charges, heedless of her wounds.

The sky sings with a symphony of clashing steel.

* * *

She is Demi-Servant Shielder. Her task is to protect. Her strength is in the defense of others, and she has strength enough to turn away all blows. But each swing she meets, each crashing blow of thunder and death she catches in the icon of her Class, rattles her arms and pounds in her ears. It is like fighting a thunderstorm - no, a mountain. Every blow is power, every strike like thunder, one that threatens to shred flesh and boils bone with each strike, godlike force alone. Mashu cannot hold out forever. Not against Saber. Not even against a tenth of Saber.

But she meets each blow regardless, for this battle is more than one of endurance. Above her, musket after musket pulled from nowhere opens fire on the Witch of Betrayal, each met by a beam of violet energy. But volume of fire carries the day; for all her power, for all that her word is Law in this Temple, Medea of Colchis is losing this battle of firepower. This is the aid she made a pact to acquire. It had to be worth at least this much to be worthwhile.

Mashu Kyrielight, Servant Shielder, is only half a Servant. She cannot last forever against the Scourge of God. Were Attila the Hun truly intent on killing her, her head would already be staining the floor. Shielder or not. But though she will eventually lose this contest of strength and stamina, her 'Master' will lose the war long before then. She need only buy time.

"You LOSE, Caster! FUHAHAHAHA!" Though the roar of gunpowder and the shriek of magic fills the air and drowns out all other noises, Oda Nobunaga's voice carries across the battlefield with no trouble at all. The full bombast of the Demon King abides no obstacles, be they noise of barrier or being shorter than most. "This is your limit, Princess! Surrender your shrines!"

"Ghh… Tch!" Her cloak has long been shed, blown off by sheer firepower. But Medea of Colchis continues to stand tall, her features and figure all but drowned out by the violet light of her magic. "Watch your tongue, Archer, lest you bite it off!"

"S-SHUT UP! TH-THAT NEVER HAPPENED!"

Another salvo thunders over and around her, but Mashu Kyrielight pays it no attention at all. She meets the prismatic sword once more, receiving another blow that shakes her to her core. She feels her chance on the backswing, pushes back with her full strength the moment that sword draws back. Attila meets it in kind, driving her knuckled fist into the center of the cross. A sound like a thunderbolt washes over her. All sounds, all thoughts are drowned out beneath that blow. Mashu Kyrielight sees it too late, moves to intercept too late. The sword is already spinning, drawing threads of magic into it.

"You are strong, Shielder," the Scourge of God says as a sigh. "But your resistance ends here. Bow before the Sword of the War God: PHOTON RAY!"

She feels it more than sees it, the rainbow searing so brightly into her eyes it may as well be white. Her instincts, Shielder's borrowed senses, move to act at that very moment.

Attila stabs forward with a swirling drill of a thousand colours. That strike would have pierced her shield and her body in the same motion.

She steps through time, divorced from the world.

It passes right through her, like she is little more than smoke.

Attila the Hun charges through Shielder, and leaves not a single mark on that small body. When she realises, the shield is already swinging for her head. She deflects it with the butt of her sword, just barely strong enough that it clips the top of her hair. The two warriors break off, one gasping for breath, the other looking on impassively.

"You dodged," Attila says evenly. She points the sword, Photon Ray, at her. "But how much longer can you dodge?"

"Long enough... to win," she rasps. Her lungs are burning. Her arms are jelly. Her head is pounding. She needs air. Mashu takes in a deep breath and drives the base of her shield into the ground. "Pass if you dare, Saber! Deploying Noble Phantasm: LORD-"

"Hyaaa-!"

Something falls before her. A flash of blue trimmed in black, voluminous and curly. Mashu's eyes focus as the figure rises to her feet. "Ow ow ow… Daaaaaaammit…"

"...Chal...deas…" Mashu trails off, the moment dead. "What is going o-s-s-se-senpai?!"

Ritsuka Tohsaka, dressed fully in drag, looks at her like a deer in the headlights. "M-MASHU! I, uh, this, I mean-"

"No no I'm sorry!" Mashu, her face bright red, lets go of her shield and covers her face. "I'M SORRY SENPAI I'M SORRY!"

The image of her Master flickers. Her eye widens in shock. She made a mistake.

Attila the Hun surges forth through the false Ritsuka Tohsaka like a prismatic thunderbolt.

Mashu Kyrielight got distracted in the sanctum of an Archmagus gifted in the arts of all forms of magic. And for that, she will pay with defeat.

She charges right past Mashu, the tip of Photon Ray glancing off the top of her shoulder - and her hand catching her right in the throat. She presses tight on her carotid artery and slams her into the ground. Mashu sputters and gasps, flailing her arms weakly on Attila. She feels nothing of her blows, only looking blankly as her vision fades.

The Scourge of God stands triumphant once more. She flicks her blade, casting the dust from it, and turns her eyes upon the Archer in red and black.

* * *

Things went from great to awful in a matter of seconds. One moment, Nobu is on the verge of overwhelming the Witch of Colchis with firepower alone, and the next that dark-skinned Saber kicks her in the face and sends her flying! She hits the ground and slams her clawed hand to arrest her momentum while she drew her katana, but Attila was upon her in an instant. A clumsy clash of blades and she was sent flying again with another kick.

Nobunaga slams into the far wall and cries out in pain. She hits the ground with a heavy thud. Attila is coming for her once more, her prismatic blade trailing with swirling colours.

"Don't kill her too, Attila," Medea's voice rings from everywhere and nowhere. "Master would be displeased. But teach her a lesson!"

"Yes," she whispers, and leaps at her. She charges at her from the sky, Photon Ray poised to strike.

Nobunaga laughs. She cackles. She pulls an especially large orange from the folds of her jacket, looking like it's been stitched together from countless orange skins. "Caster, Caster, Caster, CASTER, CASTER! DID YOU REALLY THINK? IT WOULD BE?! THIS?! EASY?!" She holds the orange up, the frankenfruit wobbling perilously as if overfilled. "BEHOLD, THE NOBU-BOMBU, VERSION 2.54131625-"

Attila lands, Photon Ray driven through it. The fruit starts ticking.

"Why this again," Nobu whimpers.

"I don't understand," Attila says back.

There is a loud explosion. All is drowned out in white.

* * *

By the time Ritsuka and Kana arrive to the scene - well at this point it was more like a battlefield - it was something like the aftermath of a natural disaster. Dust and rubble were everywhere. There are people scattered everywhere, at least one caught under the rubble. Arturia is by the corner, desperately trying to wake Okita - who is literally covered in her own blood - and Mashu, propped up against the other side of the hallway covering her red face. And then inside what was once the Temple itself are Medea and Nobunaga, collapsed in a pile around a large crack - and Attila, standing aimlessly between the two of them.

"Man I'm glad we let Caster tether a spatial subdimension to this room instead of actually using the room for her Temple," Kana comments idly. "Imagine if the explosion wasn't contained by the walls of reality before exploding."

His first instinct is to run to Mashu. And there is no reason to ignore his instincts so that is exactly what he does. "Mashu! Are you okay?!"

"E-Eh?" She looks up, her face completely red. Mashu spots Ritsuka sprinting towards her and immediately looks away. "E-Eh?! R-Ritsuka-senpai?!"

He kneels beside her, meeting her eye level. "Is everything alright? Are you hurt?"

"N-No, senpai, everything's good! No drag maid-I MEAN NO DAMAGE TAKEN! AT ALL! P-P-PERIOD!"

"...Okay," Ritsuka frowns. "Mashu, look at me."

"W-Why? I'm fine! As I said, no dra-DAMAGE!"

He grabs her chin and pulls her head to face him. Ritsuka looks firmly at her, eye to eye. Mashu starts shivering. "A-Ah, uhm, s-se-senpai, uh…"

He lets go quickly and lets out a sigh of relief - as does she, looking away quickly and darting her eyes between all the rubble that isn't around Ritsuka. "No concussions, thank goodness," Ritsuka says. "Alright, I should give you some space. Do you know what happened, Mashu?"

She shakes her head. "I, uh, we, I mean Nobu and I attacked the Temple to try and get King Arthur back. I fought Attila and sh-she... beat me." A beat. "Y-Yeah. With no support. At all. Yes."

Ritsuka frowns. Did Medea do something to her? Medea definitely did something to her. "Oooooookay. And how did you get Nobu to help you?"

"...I made a deal."

He sighs. She seems incredibly clammy today. "Alright. Just… take it easy, Mashu. I'll get Kana to take you to medbay-"

"No it's fine I'll go myself!" Mashu hops to her feet with incredible speed and holds her shield up at Ritsuka, hiding her face like he wouldn't notice. "G-GOOD DAY, SENPAI!"

She runs off at full sprint without another word, and even Agility D is a pretty impressive speed, but he doesn't have time to deal with that. He looks over to his sister. "Kana, I'll leave the Sabers to you?"

"JUST HANG ON, OKITA! I'LL SAVE YOU!" Kana, being Kana, is being woefully overdramatic. She is kneeling besides their Japanese Saber, holding her hand in hers. "The medics are coming, Okita, don't close your eyes!"

"You will live, Okita!" Arturia is there as well, in seiza. Using her lap as a cushion for Okita. Okay then. "Just breathe, and talk! I do not want our first duel to be our last!"

"Heh… I finally… went down fighting…"

"NO OKITA CHOOSE LIFE!"

He rolls his eyes, pulls a gemstone loaded with a healing spell from his pocket, and tosses it at Kana's head. Idiot. She has healing magic too, but call it pity. Or irritation. Pirritation? Whatever.

He strolls in through the gigantic hole in the side of what was once Medea's Temple, dreading what he might find.

* * *

"You fucking _what."_

Nobunaga and Medea were awake, as turns out. Just too weak to move after the explosion. But they could be at full capacity and he would still kick both their asses. He holds them both up by the face, gripping tight on their skulls. They are heavy, sure, but reinforcement provides the strength, good leg posture provides the foundation, and sheer apoplectic fury provides the impetus. "You fucking what," he repeats.

"I asked her to pay with her body!" Nobunaga is completely unrepentant. She even sounds smug while in a literal headhold. "And Shielder accepted it! It's only fair that she give me her body for my help, so it can't be helped-GYAH IT'S TIGHT IT'S TIGHT!"

"I'm sure you're just wording it like that to get a rise out of me so just try me I have command seals," he snarls. "Also just in case I forget you made another bomb?! I said no bombs!"

"BOMBS ARE GOOD BOMBS ARE GREAT _LET GO OF MY SKULL OR IT WILL BREAK"_

"You're the great Demon King of the Sixth Heaven! Deal with it!" He grabs her head tighter and turns his sharp glare at the Witch of Colchis. "And you! What is wrong with you?!"

"Lancer stole my figures and Saber was right there so I decided-"

He tightens his grip over her head too. "Hey here's a tip don't kidnap people. If you really wanted to have Aunt Arturia in a photoshoot in cute outfits fucking ask her."

"B-But... our past history," Medea gasps. "She… would have… refused…!"

"You're an adult. She is an adult. Do what adults do. And talk like adults. You stupid love-drunk witch." He stops, trying and failing to get a handle on his anger. Ah fuck it he'll shout. "UNDERSTOOD?!"

She nods weakly - though considering he's holding her up by her head it's translated by her body kind of swaying. Ritsuka clicks his tongue and looks at the dark Saber. "And you! Are you Attila the Hun?"

She nods. "Yes, Master."

"You helped kidnap Arturia?"

She nods again. "Yes, Master."

Ritsuka exhales and tries to compartmentalise as much as possible. She's new, she seems like a blank slate, and she's not a repeat troublemaker or the mastermind of a kidnapping. "Why did you kidnap her, Attila?"

"Because she was cute. And could become cuter." Attila tilts her head. "Why?"

"...Kidnapping people because you find them cute is incredibly wrong, Saber. Don't do it."

She holds her tilt. "...Why?"

Ritsuka wants to throw his hands up. He really does. But his hands are quite literally full right now so instead he does it mentally. Figures, besides everything else that happened he's going to have to explain the concept of morality to Attila the fucking Hun. Who, in case he somehow forgot, is a magical girl from space. Or, at least, looks like one. He sighs with the weight of the world - and the consequences wrought by a bunch of fucking idiots - on his back and lets go of Nobunaga and Medea. Both of them land on the ground in crumpled heaps.

He points at Nobunaga. "You are going to be Da Vinci's guinea pig for a month." Ignoring her crushed expression, he points at Medea. "You are never going to have a Temple larger than a broom closet, and that means internal volume. No space shenanigans or I'm going to get angrier than Berserker." Ignoring her crushed expression, he points at Attila. "And you are going to be Da Vinci's guinea pig for two weeks."

"That's unfair, Master," Nobu mumbles.

"And that's two months," Ritsuka says.

"I'm sorry I'll be good."

The Master of Chaldea sighs and folds his arms. "We can't have this bullshit happen, people. The entirety of humanity and all history is literally at stake here. If another incident like this happens I'm going to have to get creative. Seriously. This isn't some stupid fucking Grail War. This is a war for the salvation of a species that no longer exists besides me, Kana, and the rest of Chaldea. Nobunaga is a born troublemaker-"

"Hey!"

"-three months-but you, Medea, are someone I trust." Ritsuka makes an aggrieved expression. "Please don't give me rescind that trust."

Medea says nothing. She looks away. That's probably the most he's going to get.

The ground rumbles behind him. He hears Arturia cry out 'OH GOD WHY' as Berserker enters the ruined chamber, and Ritsuka sees why; Herakles brings both Lancer and Archer with him by the leg, held up like slaughtered chickens. The black giant walks up to Ritsuka and drops both Lancer and Archer on the ground before grunting.

Ritsuka smiles at him. "Thank you, Berserker. You, I can trust to keep the peace."

Herakles grunts. He turns his gaze on Medea, yellow eyes firm and disappointed. Medea, unbelievably, wilts under his gaze. And wilts some more. And more, and more, the longer he keeps his gaze on her. It looks like the disappointment of the God of Strength is akin to a wasting curse, or a high power spotlight frying a dandelion.

...Shit, he's starting to feel pity for Medea.

"I'm sorry please don't look like that at me, Herakles," the witch wimpers quietly.

Okay now he definitely feels pity for Medea. "Berserker, wait for me outside."

Berserker complies and walks out, pebbles jumping with each of his footfalls. Ritsuka looks down at Medea, now more like the downtrodden and abandoned Princess instead of the old and bitter Witch. "...I'll consider letting you have a proper Temple again if you don't cause trouble for a while," Ritsuka offers.

"...Thank you, Master."

"Uuuuuuunfaaaaaaairrrrrrr," Nobunaga groans, face down on the ground.

"And that is six months." Ritsuka slaps his face. "Fuck me, even heroes are stupid."

 **\- End Chapter Four -**


	5. Chapter 5

"Well," EMIYA says with a gentle smile, "Isn't this familiar?"

Ritsuka looks at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm not sure I understand, father." He points at the leyshift chamber around them, three Klein Coffins open and waiting for himself, Kana, and Mashu. "How is _this_ familiar?"

To that, the Counter Guardian only shrugs. "I've seen a lot in life – and a lot more in death."

"You've _leyshifted_ in your life?"

EMIYA gives him a strained look. "I've seen a lot of coffins in my life."

He looks flatly at the hero his father might have become. Since when did Shirou Emiya become such a master of awkward black comedy? "That's not funny, father. People actually died here."

"Arguably that makes it funnier," Kana states from behind the Red Archer.

"Arguably you are a psychopath," Ritsuka retorts.

"Well arguably you should be wearing the same uniform as me," Kana says, sticking her tongue out.

"Oh my god would you _stop with that._ "

Mashu, standing off to the side, blushes suddenly. She turns to the side and raises her shield to cover her face. No one notices but Herakles, who gives a small sympathetic nod.

Arturia clears her throat loudly as she steps between them, and slams the wind-sheathed Excalibur loudly against the ground. "I really wish you two would stop bickering," she sighs and shakes her head. "Honestly... You're siblings. _Twin_ siblings. I always got along well with my brother, so why can't the two of you?"

"Oh, we do," Ritsuka says.

"We just shit on each other a lot," Kana grins. She leans in towards her aunt, her smile turning coy. "Haven't you ever verbally sparred with Sir Kay, Aunt Arturia?"

The King of Knights shakes her head. "Not since I became Ki... okay, maybe in my youth. But not once since!"

"Didn't you abandon all human emotion when you became a King?" Ritsuka asks. Arturia shudders instinctively. The two siblings close ranks on their godmother, smelling blood in the water. "Isn't that exactly what you lamented, that the King does not understand people? Maybe..." Ritsuka rubs his chin furtively, sharing a look with Kana, who mirrors his chin rub. "...Maybe Sir Kay _wanted_ you to bully him more?"

"...That is absurd. And foolish. The two of you are being foolish. Kindly stop." Arturia shoots a sharp look at EMIYA. "You are their father. Do something about their foolishness, Red Archer."

The Counter Guardian just nods and puts on the smug. "Then allow me to ask another legitimate question, Saber: Don't _you_ wish to bully Sir Kay?"

"...N-No," Arturia lies. "I-I am not Rin. I do not de-delight in the suffering of others!"

Ritsuka and Kana sigh theatrically. "I suppose the King really doesn't understand people," Ritsuka sighs.

"And we thought she was making progress," Kana says ruefully.

Herakles grunts, as if in agreement.

Arturia bristles. She does not pout or puff her cheeks, but everyone present knows that she _really wants to_. Attila walks over to her and pats her on the head, even playing with the stubbon tuft of blonde hair sticking out of her bangs. "Cute," she says simply.

"Why this," the King of Knights says.

* * *

 _In the year 2026, man was incinerated whole_

 _Only Chaldea endured, adrift in the sea of time_

 _Now it seeks to undo extinction, saving the future by protecting the past_

 _Supported by an army of legends, they are well equipped to face the challenge_

 _Provided they don't collapse in on themselves_

 _Bullies never prosper, but bullying is extremely fun_

 _This is the sad truth, in..._

 _ **FATE/SUNNY ORDER**_

* * *

The Common Lounge in Chaldea is usually sparsely occupied. Oh, sure, there is always at least a _few_ people there, off-duty staff trying to unwind or drown out the impending depressive spiral of knowing they are all that remains of humanity, but the real crowd doesn't appear except on the tail ends of the shifts, when people are signing off and having a bit of fun before bed or squeezing out a few hours before they get to work.

But usually, you don't get to see actual Heroic Spirits hanging out in the Common Lounge. They try, they really do, but despite every effort the Servants of Chaldea are still rare sights throughout the facility. Most of them are fairly reclusive, one of them is a musclehead, another is _actually Herakles_ , and the rest tend to prefer quieter settings like libraries or the various gardens about the installation. Few actually come to the Common Lounge.

Long and belaboured story short, people give Marie and Medea a wide berth as the Caster rests face-down on a patio, while the cheerful Queen of France strokes her head gently. It might have been a strange friendship, but the recllusive Caster's talent for knitting was well-known, and there wasn't a person in Chaldea who didn't know Queens liked fancy dresses. Combined with the rapport they struck up in France, and... well, now they are close enough that the prickly Princess allows Marie to pat her head. Most could only _wish_ they had such an opportunity.

"There there, Medea, there there... I'm sure he's not _too_ mad!"

"The boy literally tossed a shoebox at me," the Princess of Colchis sighs. "He is _quite_ angry."

"...Ah." Marie Antoinette pulls her hand back and runs it through one of her twintails, straining for an answer. A lightbulb practically flashes over her head just moments later. "Oh! Medea, Medea!"

"Yes, I am Medea."

"Master's off to the next Singularity, yes?" Medes turns her head around and looks oddly at Marie from the patio and the Queen pouts. "Hey! What are you implying?"

"Is it cake?"

"Yes!" Marie's enthusiasm dampens slightly. "How did you know?"

Marie's legendary statement is well remembered by history... Even if she may not have said it herself. The corruptive nature of human memory stains all, but in her case it was actually fairly minor, only good for the occasional teasing session. Still, she _is_ a powerful witch. She can make it work. "I guessed," she says with a smirk. Medea sits up and tidies up her hair before sitting properly, hands on her lap. "Still, it isn't a bad idea. Thank you, Marie."

"I do my best, heehee," the Queen says brightly. "Oh! I hear Master likes strawberries! You could try adding them in!"

"I... will try." Medea looks down and is quiet for a moment. "...Marie, I have a confession."

"Yeeeees?"

"I don't know how to cook." She looks up, eye to eye with the Rider. "Do you?"

Marie frowns and folds her arms. "I'm a Queen, Medea. Since when did Queens cook?"

"Since when did Princesses?" Medea responds.

"Well, I figured that since you have Item Creation A, you could just... magic up a cake!"

"Item Creation A allows me to create potions and mystic codes of high ability, _not_ cakes."

"Are you _suuuuuure?"_

There is a vacant moment that passes as both Queen and Princess look at each other, a mental duel being fought. Medea looks away, her eyes and mind far away.

"...It's worth a try," the Caster decides. "Marie, will you help me?"

"Noooot sure what I can do but of—OH!" Marie stands up excitedly and claps her hands lightly together. There is a gust of wind, and Le Chevalier d'Eon appears before them, hand over their breast.

"What is it, milady?" The Dragoon asks. "Refreshment? Massage? Bath?"

She shakes her head. "Can you cook?" Marie asks brightly.

d'Eon looks at her, sharp and attentive. Their face relaxes slightly. "...Huh?"

"Medea here wants to bake a cake!" d'Eon looks over to the Princess of Colchis, who nods back at them. "Could you help?"

"...I could try, Queen Antoinette."

"Oh, boo! Call me Marie!" She claps her hands again. "And splendid! _Merci_ , Le Chevalier! To the kitchen, everyone!"

"And here we are," Medea says three hours later, purple ooze slaking liberally off the three layered confectionary as it levitates out of a cauldron oozing green smoke. Despite the obviously-evil aesthetic, the cake itself looks pretty edible. "A cake, courtesy of yours truly."

"It's... marvelous!" Marie says excitedly.

"It's something," d'Eon says carefully.

"Why am I even here," Cu Chulainn asks irritably.

Medea harrumphs and snaps her fingers. The cake cuts three slices out of itself through magic alone, and each piece levitates over to each of the three Servants. Marie receives it with a plate, as does d'Eon. Cu just grabs it with his hand, happy to eat it like an animal. Stupid dog.

"To eat cake," the Princess says haughtily. She sweeps her hand. "Enjoy."

Marie takes bite first, a dainty little spoonful as a lady does. Chevalier d'Eon does so as well, keeping an eye on the plain and unadorned cake - aside from the fact that it's still smoking green. Cu, being Cu, shoves the whole thing into his mouth in a single bite. At least he chews with his mouth closed, eurgh.

Marie frowns, nodding to herself. "It is… fine." She looks up, looking confused. "It's quite bland, Medea! Where's the sweetness? The flavour? What is it?"

"It's a tincture of good health," Medea explains. "Mixed with the batter that d'Eon gracefully prepared for me and baked to perfection."

"...In a cauldron," the Saber notes wryly.

Medea looks away, shifty-eyed. "I'd prefer not doing this in the kitchen right now."

"And I'd prefer not being in a tiny-ass broom closet," Cu says loudly, arms folded behind his head. "But here we are, Caster. Still, it's not bad! What's it do?"

"It heals wounds and guarantees good health," Medea says proudly.

"It kind of tastes like a mint," Marie says curiously. "...I'm not sure cakes are supposed to be minty."

"I think it's fine," Cu shrugs. "This is fine, Caster! Just give it to them as is when you come back - heck, give them this cake! No sense wasting good cake."

Medea rolls her eyes. "As always, Lancer, you're very helpful."

"I try," he says with a smirk. He stands up, stretching his arms. "Well anyways, I'm supposed to be sparring with Leonidas, soooo-"

Medea's eyes widen. "That's it! I'll ask him for advice!"

"You're asking a Spartan for advice on baking?" Marie asks, giving her a concerned look. Caster frowns, like her enthusiasm just caught up to her. "Medea, darling, there's one other person you can ask for help!"

"But the Red Archer is away in Rome," Medea muses darkly.

"...Two people then," Marie says brightly. "Come, Medea! Let's go see her!"

The Princess of Colchis sighs heavily and levitates, the cake levitating behind her. "Oh, very well. But… I'd prefer to do it alone."

"Aw," Marie pouts. She brightens up an instant later. "Oh well! Call me when you make another, Medea! Au revoir! This way, d'Eon, I've got some fashion I simply must test out!"

"As you were, milady," the Dragoon says dutifully.

* * *

Atalanta sighs as she sets her spoon down, stainless steel clattering against the ceramic plates. "This is bland, Medea. It's more potion than cake - and the bitterness of your tincture has overridden the natural sweetness of the cake." The huntress frowns at Medea as she pushes her plate away, eyes narrowed in confusion. "What happened? I thought you were good at sweets and pancakes?"

Medea averts her eyes. "Well…"

"Incidentally, it's a shame that history doesn't remember that Greece invented the pancake," the green-blonde Archer sighs. She shrugs. "Oh well, I suppose it was ahead of the times. Or maybe the Romans stole credit for it too. Greedy bastards."

"...Uhm." Medea looks at her friend, fingers dithering. "'L-Lanta, I forgot how."

Atalanta looks at her. One of her cat ears twitches. "You what."

"I forgot how to make sweets and pancakes," Medea says, cheeks flushed red.

"...How? You loved making them! We enjoyed a feast on the Argo every time we rested ashore! You made so many I'm fairly certain that the seabed is still mostly pancake batter!" She frowns thoughtfully. "In retrospect, we shouldn't have done that. It was a lot of waste."

Medea clenches her fists in her lap, her cheeks red. "I've had a lot on my mind since the divorce, okay?! A-And I haven't baked anything in… in centuries! Millennia, even!"

"What, not even on the Throne?"

"I was a bit busy plotting eternal undying vengeance on that damnable egocentric pig."

Atalanta looks at her quietly. Medea, feeling self-conscious all of a sudden, composes herself and looks down at her lap. "Wow," the lioness breathes, "You have issues."

"I'm… I'm desperate," the Princess admits. Prideful as she must be, it is the truth - and if she can't reveal it to a friend then to who? "I've wronged the boy, 'Lanta. I want to make it up to him - and to Saber. The blonde one." A beat. "The english one, not Chevalier."

Atalanta nods. "You sound desperate. I heard that you almost went to ask Leonidas for advice." She scoffs and stifles a laugh. "Perhaps you should have. Spartans are nothing if not hilarious."

"I'm sure he would have dismissed it as Athenian decadence or something and then gone on to do something ridiculous, like run a marathon while shouldering a bull," Medea sighs. She rolls her eyes. "Spartans. What joykillers."

"What menfolk," Atalanta sighs, mirroring Medea and rolling her eyes too. "And their women, menfolk as well. Sparta is a land of men, and nothing more."

Medea looks at the Archer, a sly grin starting across her lips. "You know, Leonidas is named for lions. Do you think-"

The Archer recoils, and by the gods Medea swears that she hisses like a cat. "NO! NONE OF THAT! THIS DISCUSSION IS OVER!"

"Aw, but 'Lanta! You and Hippomenes must have been adorable together! But in a temple, how scandalous." Medea holds a hand over her mouth, as if appalled. "Oh, what would Artemis think?"

"Nothing NOBODY _NOT HERE!"_ Atalanta hisses again and then composes herself, looking ashamed. She sighs and flattens her cat ears with her hands. "Ugh, sometimes I wish I didn't have these…"

"Aw, but they are adorable!" Medea grins and pats her on the head. "Good kitty~"

Atalanta starts to enjoy it, but quickly slaps her hand aside. "A-Anyways!" The Archer says, flustered. "Do you want my help?! Then we begin NOW!"

Medea leans forward and pats her on the head again. "Thank you, 'Lanta, you're such a good girl~"

" _ARGH STOP IT"_

* * *

With a Singularity currently underway, Chaldea's CIC is a blur of activity, technicians hunched over dozens of flickering monitors tracking a hundred different variables, conducting all sorts of predictive forecasting based of statistical analysis. Three people stand above them all, looking over their shoulders and presiding over the incident proper. Two of them are heroes from myth and legend, called to preserve the Human Order.

The third is Doctor Romani Archaman, acting Director of Chaldea by dint of literally-everyone-above-him-dying. But he's doing a fine enough job that no one has attempted a coup. Yet.

Not that anyone would _want_ this job. Case in point: what is going on in Rome right now.

"Say again? You are saying Emperor Nero Claudius Caesar is a _woman?_ "

" _A short woman with big boobs, yes,"_ Kana says candidly.

" _Watch it, short woman with big boobs,"_ Ritsuka grunts. _"...But yes, Emperor Nero is a girl. And she... looks like Mysterious Heroine X."_

"Mm." Mysterious Heroine X is Chaldea's code phrase for 'existences that resemble Arturia Pendragon', something they've established since the incident with Okita Souji and her uncanny resemblence. "Has Saber noticed yet?"

" _Saber just noted the unusual resemblence. We haven't tried explaining it. Not sure I want to,"_ the older Tohsaka mutters.

" _Saber tried to stab her in the face though!"_ Kana says, all too happily.

Roman thanks god that he hadn't taken a sip of coffee just yet, because he _would_ have spat it all out. "What?! But we're here _to_ make sure Emperor Nero doesn't die!"

" _Yeah, see... Actually, shit, we have two Sabers on this mission. We need to have names for them that aren't their real names."_

" _Blue Saber and White Saber?"_ Kana offers.

" _They are not the Power Rangers, Kana."_

" _But they could be!"_

" _I fought monsters in a quarry. once,"_ Arturia herself says blandly. _"It was awful. I'd rather not be associated with that."_

" _...I don't know, Saber, if you think about it the K... your chosen were basically a Super Sentai team,"_ Mashu says.

" _I don't know what you are talking about."_

" _...We'll work on it,"_ Ritsuka says finally. _"In any case, Rainbow Saber is currently sulking after I used two Command Seals to stop her killing Nero. Incidentally, we need better Command Seals. It's a pain having to use two for every Servant with Magic Resistance A."_

" _Do not,"_ Arturia says firmly.

" _I second that not,"_ Mashu adds.

"Not within my control, blame the Makiris for sucking~" Da Vinci says melodically.

" _...Speaking of morally ambiguous spellcasters, how is Caster doing?"_ Ritsuka asks. _"I feel bad for throwing that shoebox at her. Is she bitter? Should I apologise?"_

"I think she's baking a cake," El Melloi II says, as he lights a new cigar.

"She is!" Da Vinci says cheerfully. "It wasn't bad. But I have at least fifty suggestions to improve on it!"

"I suppose baking is another of your genius-level skills?" Roman asks tiredly.

"Of course! If it's something humans have done, I can do it perfectly!"

" _...Cake?"_

* * *

Clad in an apron and wearing a cloth over her ears, Atalanta places a tray of recently-baked test cake on the countertop with a thud. "ALRIGHT, twelveth time's the charm, 'Dea!"

"Oh! Thank you, Atalanta." Caster floats over to her, one hand drifting over the Archer's head. Atalanta grunts and bats it aside quickly. "Sorry, force of habit."

"I never had these ears on the Argo _there is no habit_."

"Oh, oh!" Marie raises her hand and waves it, her other hand resting on the countertop. "Atalanta, may I?"

"I'm not a housecat to be toyed with, dammit! STOP TOUCHING ME!" She slaps Medea's hand away again. "Swear to Artemis, 'Dea, do that again and I'm going to shoot you!"

Medea of Colchis smiles brightly despite the threat, for with her new ears and tail nothing Atalanta does could ever be anything but cute again. She sets Atalanta's tray before Marie, still smiling. "Here you go~"

Marie looks at the tray, mouth already watering but wearing a troubled expression. "M...Me-Medea... It smells so good, but... if I eat anymore I'm going to get faaaaaat!"

"Not to worry," the Princess says proudly. She pulls a small vial from her dress, filled with a clear liquid. "This elixir will ensure that you will only gain calories in the places that matter!"

"Princess Medea of Colchis YOU HAVE OUTDONE YOURSELF! Hand it over!"

"...Item Creation really is something, isn't it," Atalanta says, giving it a dirty look. "But to begin with, we're Servants, right? We don't gain weight."

Marie, who was looking at the vial with excitement, abruptly snaps to the Lioness. "Whaaaaaaat?! But then what's the point of gorging on twelve trays of cake?!"

"To start with shouldn't you limit yourself to a single slice? για χάρη, french people..."

Medea shrugs and pockets it again. "No matter, I'll just slip it into Master Kana's food at some point."

"I'm pretty sure that's a horrible idea," Atalanta says dryly.

"Don't worry," Medea says proudly, "It's fully tasteless and odourless. Truly, I've outdone myself."

"...I give up, you do you." Atalanta bats Medea's hand away again. "Seriously, I will _shoot you."_

Marie takes a bite of cake, and promptly nearly falls off the high chair. She stays on, but only because she has the Riding skill. Apparently chairs count. "Mmmm! _Miam!_ This is it, Medea! _C'est fameux!_ It's so good!" Marie turns around when she hears the doors open, and spots a muscly knight enter. "Leonidas, come! Have a piece!"

"Hm? A piece?" The King frowns as he joins her at the counter. "I smell... sweets? Cake?"

"Oh?" Cu pokes his head through the door. "You made more!"

"Medea and Atalanta made it!" The Queen of France pushes the tray to him and hands him a spoon. "Here! Try some!"

"Hmph. In Sparta, we would not have 'cakes'. The only cakes we knew was the mud that clung to our sandals." Leonidas pounds his chest and raises his spear skyward. "Leave the delicacy for the _Athenians_. I shall have myself a man's meal, the black blood of Sparta!"

All the women in the kitchen look at him, expressions ranging from confusion to disgust. Cu just claps politely, admiring another man's show of glory.

Medea pushes the tray closer to Leonidas with some magic. "Well, are you going to try some?" She asks, tone icy.

"Mm. Perhaps. This will be yet more training, to steel my soul." With little fanfare Leonidas gouges out a fist-sized chunk from the tray with his bare hand and shoves it into his mouth, Cu nodding as he looks on. Leonidas chews quickly and swallows, willfully ignoring the horrified looks on every woman's face. He swallows, and works his jaw to get rid of the bits stuck in his teeth.

"Well?" Medea asks.

Leonidas sucks on his teeth thoughtfully. "It is like ambrosia, the nectar of the gods," the King of Sparta says with a nod. "Mm. I do not dislike it."

Medea nods. "High praise, from a Spartan."

"However, the sweetness is overpowering. Counteract it with some saltiness, perhaps, or maybe reduce your sugar ratios. Too much sugar can turn to bitterness on the tongue."

Medea looks at him with a confused frown. "Wait, what?"

"I am a Spartan," Leonidas says as he stands up, "But I am not a moron." He bows respectfully to both Atalanta and Medea. "Hail, Atalanta and Medea. And hail to you, Marie Antoinette. If you need me, I will be punching a waterfall."

Leonidas leaves as mysteriously as he came, the three girls looking on quietly at a loss for words. Cu shrugs and leaves as well, before he gets caught up in something stupid here. Medea opens her mouth, and then she closes it.

"...The King of Spartans just ate our cake and dropped laconic before leaving to punch a waterfall." She frowns, looking at the cake. "That's a first."

"...Yeah, I'm done for today," Atalanta sighs. She tears off both head cloth and apron and stretches her arms high over her head. "If you need me, I'll be meditating."

"I'll be in my shoebox," Medea mutters as she floats off.

"I'll..." Marie starts. She stops and looks at the tray. "...Yeah."

* * *

Several days later, they finally returned. As the party that went to Rome leaves the deployment chambers, slightly singed and tattered, they find Medea standing before them, a massive cake floating before her, and Marie, Atalanta, and d'Eon standing with her.

"...I made cake to apologise," the Caster says simply. And indeed, what a cake it is. Three layers stacked one after another, lavishly slathered with whipped cream and topped with aesthetically pleasing strawberries, it smelled like heaven and probably tasted better. It floats closer to Ritsuka and Saber, cutting two pieces out of itself. "Do accept my apologies for my conduct a few days ago, Master... And Saber."

"Where's my cake?" Kana whines. Another slice cuts itself out and floats over to her. "Yay," she quietly cheers, tired but happy.

Ritsuka looks at the cake, an elaborate labour of love for sure. It definitely _looks_ good to eat. Unfortunately, the last thing he wants is something sweet. "Apologies accepted, Caster," he yawns. "I'll pass on the cake though. Who wants some?"

Arturia, Kana, Herakles, and Attila raise their hands. EMIYA does nothing, just looking at the cake with his grey eyes. "It _looks_ good _,_ " he says with a raised eyebrow. "But good enough to eat?"

The Witch of Colchis looks gloomily at Archer. "First you betray me, now you criticise me. You wound me, Archer."

"What can I say? A hero always strives to better themselves – no matter how painful. I merely serve to facilitate that."

"Then why don't I try that on you?"

"Ah, but Caster. I'm no hero..." Archer shrugs, palms facing upwards. "I am only a man. My lot has already been decided."

"And your lot is cake." Ritsuka's slice floats over to the boy's father. "Now eat."

The Counter Guardian traces a fork and digs out a small piece to chew on. He muses on the taste and nods. "I've done better."

Arturia takes a bite out of her own slice and nods promptly. "It's true. He has," she says, completely sincere, but it is still the most cruel thing the King of Knights has ever said to the witch. Nonetheless, she takes another bite.

Kana takes a bite too, but she gives an appreciative thumbs up. "It's good, Caster! Thanks!" Noticing Caster's hopeful look her smile wilts. "...Sorry, I can't lie. Still good though!"

Medea sighs and shakes her head. Beside her, both Atalanta and Marie pat her on the back. She grits her teeth and points at Archer. "Prove it, then! Make something better!"

"Uh," Ritsuka says, "Guys, could we not-"

"I approve," Arturia nods, and so it is.

A few hours later, Caster is on her knees as Archer hands out slices of cake to every Servant and staff member in Chaldea. The result was an overwhelming victory for the Counter Guardian, flawless chef in all respects.

"This... Is impossible," Medea gasps, her knees weak from having tasted his work. "Nobody... Nobody should be so good...!"

"And indeed, I am nobody," Archer says with a smile. He snifs significantly, and points at his nose. "Your loss, Caster."

As Medea curses her defeat and swears vengeance, off in the distance, Ritsuka and Kana sit alone, far away enough for no one to hear them. It has to be like this. No one else must know or hear what they are talking about. The fallout could be immense.

"You know," Kana says while chewing, "This isn't as good as what dad made for us when we left."

"Shut up, idiot," Ritsuka hisses. "No one must _ever know."_

"You know," Arturia says loudly from amidst the crowds of Servants, "While this _is_ good, Red Archer, but Shirou has made better."

"I _am_ quite rusty," Archer remarks casually.

As Caster's choler rises and she swears even greater vengeance, Ritsuka slaps his head as Kana laughs. The twinkle in Arturia's eyes can only mean that she knew _exactly_ what she was doing, too.

So begins the Chaldean Food Wars.


	6. Chapter 6

hEmiya Shirou never thought he would find a chance like this.

In his time, when he made that compact with Alaya, he expected an eternity of service, salvation in the name of the human order. He found eternal slaughter, a headsman's job of execution without end. One of many faceless heroes, a hopeless existence that could only kill and kill, never save.

It drove him mad, betrayed by the ideals that let him face death at the gallows with a smile. And when he returned to the Grail War that defined his path, face to face with his younger idiotic self, he resolved to kill him and spare him this torment. And if it had even the slightest chance of freeing him from damnable, grey existence... All the better.

But he endured. He stood by his ideals. And he won in the end, tempered, wiser, and equipped to avoid the mistakes of the future.

The man who was once Emiya Shirou simply trusted in him from that point on. He put his faith in the girl he loved, and returned to slaughter with newfound resolve. He, too, would do his best.

...Returning to that timeline, and witnessing the fruits of his betrayal, was never in the cards. But here he is.

Saber, the King of Knights, sets down her steaming cup of green tea with a satisfied sigh. She was wearing her casual attire, the blouse and skirt that Rin lent her at the start of the War. Did they have those in stock, or did she have them made? "So, Red Archer," she asks, eyebrow raised as she smiles thoughtfully at him, "Have you done your best?"

Archer smirks as he sups at his beer, slouched back on the couch. "As well as a faker like me could ever hope," he laughs. "And you, Saber?"

* * *

 _Humanity burned in 2026_

 _The only way to save them is to turn back the clock_

 _Save the past to save the present_

 _But when you have a time machine you have all the time in the world_

 _So take it slow, have some tea_

 _Maybe stab your stupid sister in the face, just a thought_

 _All this and more, in..._

 _ **FATE/SUNNY ORDER**_

* * *

His arrival in Chaldea was one event amidst a veritable whirlwind, bombarding him constantly with new information. His arrival, right after the King of Knights he loved as a boy. Being summoned by his own children with Rin – twins, at that, one of them given the crest at such a young age. Meeting Lancer, who remembered everything. Taunting Lancer, just to test their relation. Getting into a fight _with_ Lancer, which nearly turned fatal again. And then losing to Berserker again, that same black giant that nearly split him in half in his youth.

And then there was Rome, the day later. Sweet, merciful Rome. It was, ah... quite the battle. A simple blacksmith like himself has no place in such grand battlefields. But here we are.

Saber nods, sitting neatly with her legs tucked in. Prim and proper, like she always is. "Quite well, yes. The cake you made the other day was excellent."

"You flatter me," Archer smiles. It is no humble brag. They both know that he can do better. Or, rather, 'he' can do better. Emiya Shirou has no idea what Emiya Shirou has done ever since the end of the Fifth War, but if he has had two children with Rin... Well, she might have actually succeeded in teaching his stupid self the meaning of self worth. "What happened to you after the Fifth War?"

"Rin made a contract with me, and I lived with her and Shirou ever since as their familiar."

Archer raises his eyebrow. It would surprise him, but if anyone could do something so audacious it would be Rin. He takes another sip of beer. This brand tastes terrible, but he'll have it anyways. "Oh? Is that why our Masters refer to you as auntie?"

"Indeed," Arturia nods, "I was named their godmother, and I helped raise them. It wasn't much; I simply minded them when Shirou was away and Rin was busy with her research."

"I see."

"Yes."

They sit there, in relative silence, the both of them trying to tune out the muffled kareoke happening a few rooms away. These rooms need better soundproofing, Archer decides. "What happened after the Fifth War, then?" He asks. "I don't need a full sequence of events. I doubt its relevant."

Saber smiles. "Well, I suppose we should start with the children..."

* * *

" _...So," the man says, laying in bed and looking up at the ceiling. "That happened."_

" _Yes," the woman beside him says, also looking upwards and hugging his arm. "That did."_

 _They lay there in bed for a long time, not sure what else to say. What else_ is _there to say. It simply happened. Deep down, the woman scolded herself for just doing it. This was reckless. It was the height of irresponsibility. She should have discussed this with Shirou first. Dammit, what will happen if he can't keep his promise? Idiot, idiot!_

 _She starts hitting his arm, but Shirou just takes it. After all... They just did something dumb. "...So I guess you regret it after all."_

" _No, idiot! You're an idiot!"_

" _That explains nothing," he says laconically. Emiya Shirou has gotten very good at cutting through bullshit in the years since the War. He rolls over to face her, conveniently laying down on one of her hands. "... Not that I'm complaining, but what was that about?"_

" _...Well..." She says nothing, just looking at him. Her face is red. Her heart is pumping. Dammit dammit dammit, what now? How is she supposed to explain this? It was supposed to be a secret plan... Except it won't work unless he knows! Gah! She messed up a detail again! "... I mean... You're leaving tomorrow, and..."_

" _Tohsaka." Shirou looks at her, smiling in that way that always just makes her heart skip a beat. "I'll come back this time too. I promised, right?"_

" _I-I know! But every time you come back more and more hurt, and I don't like it! You're just going to hurt yourself again, until you can't even come back!"_

" _I'll come back. I promise. But I have to do this."_

" _No, you don't." There are tears welling in her eyes. Angry tears. Fearful tears. "There's always someone to save. Somewhere under attack. You don't have to go every time, you know?"_

" _Tohsaka..."_

" _Shut up. You're becoming like him. He told me to not let you become like him." She leans forward, putting her head in his broad chest. It was nice and safe here, even though she knew she should be mad. "I'm scared you'll become like him."_

 _He puts his arm over her bare back, bringing her closer under the sheets. "I won't. You've taught me that much, Tohsaka. And Saber, too."_

" _I know. I made sure."_

 _Shirou starts to ask, but Rin grabs his hand and moves it over, placing it against her belly. His eyes widen._

" _It's not just me and Saber you have to come back to now," Rin says softly. "So come back, okay?"_

" _...Okay."_

* * *

"...So in essence, Rin gave up," Archer says.

"Just about," Saber nods. "But it worked, I think. After that mission – I believe he took out a dead apostle operating in Vietnam, I did not join him for this – Shirou stayed home and studied law. Nine months later, Ritsuka and Kana were born."

"...I see." Archer says. That is interesting. "So, he is a practising lawyer now?"

"Yes, a defense attorney. He still embarks on a few missions, but they are few and far between," Saber says with a smile. "There's more that happened, but... I think we'll talk about _that_ another time."

"Mmhm." Archer tries to sip his beer again, but there's nothing but air. He finished it before he knew it. "And what did you do, Saber? How did you raise them?"

"I minded them when Shirou and Rin were away," Saber nods. "I even taught them how to fight," she adds proudly. "They have a natural instinct for it! If they were presented to me in Camelot, I'd have happily inducted them as squires!"

"Mm, speaking of," Archer adds, "Have you been to Cornwall since? There are the ruins of Camelot."

Saber looks away. "...Yes. We don't speak of it."

"Is it because-"

"It is perfectly legitimate to introduce yourself as Arthur, King of the Britons when you _are_ Arthur, King of the Britons. They overreacted."

"I'm sure," Archer says with a smirk. He stands up, taking his can and Saber's empty cup too. "Well, we've been here long enough. Shall we go, Saber?"

"Yes, we should." She stands, gently straightening her skirt as well. "I should check in on Ritsuka. Do you have an appointment, Archer?"

"There is something I wished to check," EMIYA says. He nods at her. "I will take my leave, Saber."

* * *

As a matter of fact, he didn't have anything to check. He only wanders Chaldea, walking its labyrinthine walkways and tunnels aimlessly, only paying enough attention to make a mental map of the facility. The rest of the time, he simply ruminated. Or brooded, he supposed Rin would call it.

...What kind of world was it in 2026? What was life in their household – _his_ household, in a way? Did they still live in that same damn house? He wanted to know. He wanted to see it. But he couldn't bear to ask the two who would know it best.

Ever since he reaffirmed his promise to Kiritsugu, in that clash of blades against the young fool he was, Emiya Shirou has never looked back. He bears his sins happily, trusting that even as a storm of death in the employ of Alaya, he saves people – and that saving people, no matter the form is never wrong. But he wants to know that house. He wants to know that life.

For the first time, Archer wonders if he should have stayed. If he should have taken Rin's offer, and remained a constant presence.

...No, it wouldn't have been right. He didn't need that kind of shadow looming over him. It would be annoying.

"Yo, Archer."

Archer breaks out of his reverie and spots Lancer emerging from the deployment center. Herakles is here, too, standing guard dutifully by the doors. It seems his mindless walking has brought him here. "Lancer. You were away?"

"Found a smaller Singularity that might have some materials, so Master sent us to plunder it. Found some stuff. Good times." The celt sniffs. "What's with you? Done anything yet?"

He had gone to Rome, made a lot of cake, and that was the end of his contributions to the war effort. "Who knows? Maybe I've been cooking."

"And you didn't invite me? That's cold, Archer." Lancer walks up to him, his red spear balanced over his shoulders. Cu stands face to face with Archer, looking him in the eye with a scowl. "Not planning anything sneaky, right?"

"Can't imagine why I would," Archer reponds coolly. "We're all here to save humanity, aren't we? Or are you just here to fight?"

Cu looks him in the eye, his expression steady. The constant presence of Herakles looms over them, intimidating and promising swift defeat even with the small white creature sitting atop his head, eagerly watching their contest of wills. Lancer laughs and looks aside with a shrug. "It's true, I do like testing my strength against other strong opponents. But I _am_ still a Hero." He looks testily at the Counter Guardian. "Can you say the same, Archer?"

Herakles grunts before he can escalate, promising swift fury if they fight again. His arms are crossed; his axe-sword had been shattered in Rome with his strength alone. It seems the greatest son of Greece continues to surpass himself with every incarnation.

"...Of course," Emiya responds with a smirk. "I have something to prove now."

Lancer laughs again. "You're a son of a bitch, Archer. We should have drinks someday."

"That's not how you invite people to drink, Lancer."

"Isn't it? C'mon, just because I think you're a piece of shit doesn't mean we can't get drunk together."

Herakles grunts again, growling just a bit for emphasis. Cu raises his hands above his head.

"Alright, alright. I'm not interested in the young Master losing his temper at me again." He walks off, waving back at Archer without looking back. "See you around, Archer! Try not to make any girls cry this time."

Archer waits for Lancer to leave before replying. "Of course," he mutters. "I have to try my best, too."

Berserker nods tersely at him, as if acknowledging him. Archer could not figure out why. Surely, Herakles has better things to do than mess around with some blacksmith. The doors to the deployment chamber open again, revealing Robin and Atalanta; the rest of the strike team, Emiya supposes.

"-don't even have to reload, it's great—oh." Robin looks up from the Huntress and frowns at him. "Archer, you're here."

"Just taking a walk," Emiya responds. He bows. "I'll take my leave."

"Hold on," Atalanta says. Both Archers turn to her. "I was about to compete against Robin in a test of archery. Would you like to come, Archer? Your performance in Rome was..." She purses her lips, finding the words. "...Adequate."

She looks over her shoulder at Herakles. "...Would you like to come?"

Herakles looks back at her. He says nothing.

"Fou," the small bunnycat on his head says.

"He said no," Robin says blandly.

Atalanta nods. "Just us, then." She tilts her head at the Counter Guardian. "Interested?"

He smiles and shakes his head. "Maybe next time," Emiya apologises. "I'm not confident in my abilities against Atalanta the Huntress and Robin Hood just yet."

"Alright then. Next time." Atalanta nods. "See you around, Archer."

They head off, and then it is just him and Berserker in the walkway. Archer thinks back to days past. He killed Herakles once with Caladbolg, didn't he? Is that why the demigod is paying attention to him?

Herakles smiles at him. Or, at least, tries to. It's like someone trying to smile for the first time, except they were hewn from obsidian and menaced with spikes. The point is, were he not already dead on the inside, Archer might have tried to run away screaming for his life. Still, he appreciates the gesture.

Archer smiles back at him and nods before moving on, haunting the next leg of halls in silence.

* * *

There is a knock on the door. Archer already knows who it is; the bond between Servant and Master endures even in this strange system, it seems. "Can I come in?" Kana asks.

"Come in," Archer says. The door opens, and his daughter-slash-Master enters, closing the door behind her. Emiya Shirou never really thought what he would look like as a girl – it was a waste of time, you see, and something that could never actually happen anyways – but all signs indicate that he would look something like the girl in front of him.

Fluffy orange hair tied into a sidetail and bright, mischevious golden eyes are her most striking feature, making her stand out immediately, and she seems to have inherited her mother's looks as well. But Archer knows that her cute looks and cheeky grin hide a fit and toned physique and a keen mind that is sharp, quick, and above all _calm_ in the heat of combat. In this regard, she has Ritsuka beaten. As a commander, she already has him beat. They both do. It's shameful, in a way, but it seems his young Masters have already surpassed him when he was that age.

...He won't comment on the body. But he wonders: is it from his side, or Rin's side?

"How may I help?" Archer asks, while Kana clasps her hands behind her back. From what he can gather, Kana is closest to her father – that is to say, 'him'. But to what extent? Has she inherited their dream? How far does her projection go?

"Do I need an excuse to spend time with my daddy?" She asks, grinning. "Do you mind if I sit in your lap? I always used to do that when I was younger!"

Archer shrugs. "As you please, Master." She does so, beaming at him from ear to ear. "But I'm sure you have questions. So, what would you like to know?"

"Oh, not much! Just wanted to know what the Fifth War was like from your end!" Kana places her hands on her lap, letting her legs dangle off the side. "I mean, I kind of get the gist of it, but how was it on your end?"

Archer knows what she actually means. 'Why did you betray mom', and 'why did you betray her in the way you did'. Those are the real questions on her mind. "Well, my wish wasn't something the Grail could grant. Not really. At the time, my memories were hazy. I did not remember much, due to a botched summoning."

"Sounds like mom," Kana nods smugly.

Archer smirks. "Yes, it sounds like her, doesn't it?"

"You had opportunities to kill dad beforehand, though... Why didn't you take them?"

"Because at first I was hoping that he wasn't an idiot," Archer explains. "...But killing him – me – was never the point. The point was to break him. Show him the hypocrisy of that belief we share. No one can save everyone."

Kana nods. "Right, but ultimately dad reminded you that it's not the result he cares about, but the process, right? Being a hero at all?"

"Which in itself has issues... But yes," Archer nods. "As for why I did it the way I did...Ultimately, I wanted Rin to survive and win the war. If she had Saber, the war was easily hers. Call it selfish, but... I suppose I was following my ideals even after I rejected them."

Kana nods sagely. "Right, right... But what about when you shot Gilgamesh? I thought you died."

"Independent Action allows me to survive a damaged Spiritual Core for some time," Archer explains. "Not as well as Battle Continuation, but... It allows a degree of independence, as you'd expect. In that regard, Independent Action is a very useful Skill."

"Yeah, but I thought you were drained from mana after having nearly killed yourself fighting Lancer, then fighting Saber, then fighting dad while inside Unlimited Blade Works..."

He frowns at her. "...I only used Unlimited Blade Works once, and that was inside the church. When I fought 'me', it was just in the Einzbern courtyard."

"...Dad said he saw a hill of swords, though. And the skies cleared when he broke through to you!"

"He was imagining things," Archer says flatly. "Calling upon a Reality Marble is _incredibly_ taxing, and my reserves were never very substantial to begin with. I wouldn't have survived to sunset even if I _didn't_ get shot full of swords."

"...But Auntie Arturia said-"

"She was _also_ imagining things. Saber has a very active imagination."

Kana thinks on this, and then nods. "That's true, she does. One time she told us the story of when she fought a giant cat monster!"

"...I believe that was the hunt for the Cath Palug," Archer says flatly. "That actually happened."

"Huh." Kana blinks owlishly. "I guess it did."

...He's going to have to adjust his estimate of her. Kana Tohsaka may actually be an idiot. "I got shot full of swords by the King of Heroes, entrusted defeating him to your father, got shot some more, escaped, and gave what support I could from hiding. If I revealed myself, I would have died in an instant."

"Dad mentions Rho Aias appearing before him when he was doing his chant," the girl with the sidetail says, a finger on her cheek. "Was that you?"

"Probably," Archer says. "It might have been him. Or it might have been me supporting him. You know, it's actually not very clear who did what, or how."

"You definitely stole dad's kill, though," she pouts.

"I saved his life," Archer corrects. "Besides, is it killstealing if we are the same person?"

"...Probably, in your case."

"I suppose you're right."

Archer smiles as Kana giggles. She claps her thighs as she ponders her next question. "Oh, Archer-dad! Why're you dark skinned and white haired?"

"Overuse of magecraft beyond my means," he replies immediately. "You should be fine, but my circuits are poor. It was only ever a matter of time."

"Riiiiight, but dad's not much tanner than I am, and he's only got like, one white hair. His eyes are still gold, too!" Kana taps her chin with her index fingers. "Actually, I'm pretty sure the only reason he has a tan is because he goes out so much. Are you sure it's projection magecraft?"

"Your father has the support of Saber and an active contract with your mother, and he did not dedicate himself to a life of aimless murder in the name of justice. I'm _fairly certain_ it's projection."

"...Maybe it's contracting with Alaya," Kana says.

"It's _not_ contracting with Alaya," Archer states firmly. "This change did not occur until after many years later, _long_ after I made that compact."

"...What if it happens slowly?" Kana suggests. "So slowly you _think_ it's projection magecraft, but it's actually _not?_ "

It might be an answer, but he doubts it. Why would Alaya brand its servants like that in life? "That would be dumb. And pointless. You'd be able to identify contractees immediately."

"Hey, it's a theory," she shrugs. "Maybe you survived longer than most contractors! Who knows? Maybe Alaya is just really into ganguro... guys," she corrects at the last moment. "Anything's possible! Mankind's weird! It might influence the guardian spirit of human survival!"

"Alaya is timeless and also I'm fairly certain an actual sociopath," the Counter Guardian says bitterly. "I _really_ don't think it works that way. If it did, why isn't Jeanne D'Arc brown?"

"Because she died early," Kana says, like it's the most obvious thing ever. "Also she never used magecraft and _also_ she became a proper Heroic Spirit after canonisation. Check and mate, daddy-o."

"Never say 'daddy-o' ever again," Archer sighs. Yep, she is definitely an idiot. And he was so hopeful it was a facade. That poor boy. "And I still disagree. It makes literally no sense."

"Alright then, we'll make a bet. If the next Counter Guardian we summon is dark skinned, grey eyed and white haired, I win! Otherwise, you win." A beat. "Joan of Arc doesn't count because we already know who she is. Also she's not a 'proper' Counter Guardian anymore."

Archer sighs. Childish games it is then. "And what does the winner get?"

Kana taps her chin some more. "Hmm... If I win, you owe me a favor! Like a Command Seal sort of deal, except I don't actually have to spend it, and it probably won't provide any combat benefit. But basically an absolute command, that kind of thing!"

Archer scoffs. That is absurd. She already has Command Seals; she can already compel him flawlessly, considering that her seals regenerate. "Very well, I accept your terms. And if _I_ win, you'll be more responsible and take equal share of the duties with Ritsuka." Truthfully, the boy could use all the help. He seems like just a few bad days from making a contract with Alaya himself, just to end it. Assuming Alaya is even still relevant, with the extinction of most of mankind.

Kana grins and grabs his hand. "You're on, daddy-o!"

"...Also you'll never say daddy-o ever again."

"Too late you didn't say that before I grabbed your hand! No deal!" She sticks her tongue out and laughs, before hopping onto her feet and stretching her arms over her head right in front of him. Archer closes his eyes immediately. It's disgusting normally, and it's doubly-disgusting when she is your own daughter – even if technically, her father is your alternate self.

...There is surprisingly little bounce – no dammit Emiya Shirou do not return to that state of mind. _Never_ return to that state of mind. It leaves you at the mercy of women who know how to toy with innocent boyish hearts. This girl is still the daughter of _that_ woman, and might know her tricks. _Ever vigilant. Never interested._

"Alright!" Kana folds her arms and looks at her father. "Now, let's spar!"

"...I would destroy you," Archer says matter-of-factly. "It is not even a question. You would _lose._ "

Kana snickers. "Wanna bet?"

"Be serious. You are still only human, and you would overtax your circuits. I cannot approve."

She pouts – and like this, she looks so very much like her mother. "Fine! Then go easy on me! Human baseline or something!"

"I'm not a video game, I can't just arbitrarily set my difficulty level."

"Come on, I used to fight dad all the time! But now he's not here and you're the next best thing!"

His eyes widen in realisation. It's not about being a better fighter then. She just wants to feel like she's sparring with Emiya Shirou again. Chuckling, Archer stands up and folds his arms. Disgusting, since when did he start submitting to gir—oh, wait. That has literally never changed.

He should do something about that. Ever vigilant. Never interested. But this much should be alright.

"Very well, Kana. We will spar. But," he adds, before Kana can cheer, "Although I won't kill you, I won't go easy on you. Understood?"

"Yep!" Kana nods. "I'll bring _Asriel_. That should even the score a bit!"

A personal mystic code? Interesting. A thought occurs to him, just then. "Kana, you were taught by Saber, yes?"

"She taught me swordfighting, yes," the girl nods. She tilts her head. "Why?"

Archer smiles at that. "Let's see how good she is as a teacher, now that she has time."

* * *

Forty minutes later a ponytailed Kana and Archer emerge from the sparring grounds, the girl in a sports bra and bicycle pants bruised and sulky. She frumps and shoulders her blue-grey sword as she sighs and shakes her head. "Dammit," she says grumpily, "I lost again..."

"I am a Servant and you are not," Archer says matter-of-factly, exiting behind here without even breaking a sweat, not that Servants sweat. He glances at her blade, the mystic code she calls ' _Asriel'_. "...I am also extremely disappointed."

She frowns and looks up at him. "What? It's my azoth blade. I blade things with it."

"I thought Azoth Blades were supposed to be mana batteries."

"Yeah, well, my mana battery can blade things."

"Evidently." He frowns disappointingly at her. "But you named it _Asriel._ Why?"

Kana shrugs. "I like video games."

"...Besides that, I have some comments, Kana."

"One second." She sits down on a bench and pops open a water bottle. "Go on," Kana says, before starting to drink.

"...So you're using Arturian swordplay," Archer starts. "Which, I assume, Saber taught you."

"Yep!"

"But you also used Bajiquan, which I assume Rin taught you."

"Also yep!"

"Mm." Archer nods and folds his arms. "Kana, as you are right now, you will never defeat your father."

She spits out her water all over Archer. He just takes it, not even wiping it from his face. He's a servant, colds are for the living. "What?!" She exclaims. "But I try so hard!"

"Hard work doesn't matter if you lack focus," Archer points out. "And your two styles do not mesh. You are running two races at the same time – and that is why you will never win. Bluntly speaking, I am still the strongest any version of Emiya Shirou can be. But you'd lose against your father if you found him right after the Fifth War."

"...But didn't _he_ beat you?"

"I let him win," Archer says flatly.

"That's what sore losers say!"

He just looks at Kana, with eyes so empty he can almost feel like Kana is getting closer. She bows her head eventually. "...Point taken," she mumbles. "So, what do I do?"

"Have you tried Archery?" He asks.

"I was in Kyuudo in high school," Kana points out. "I was okay, I guess. Could never empty my mind like you apparently can."

"Go back to that and try to find that focus. That is my only advice. The sooner you find focus the better."

Kana sighs heavily and nods. "Fiiiiine..."

He nods, satisfied. Truthfully, her instincts are very sharp, her physique is like a whipcord, and she has a better grasp on Reinforcement than he did at the age. If she had just focused on a single form of combat... He should test Ritsuka like this, to compare and contrast. Does he have a sword too, or did he dedicate himself purely to bajiquan? Questions for later.

He takes another look at her and frowns again. "...Are you wearing two sports bras?"

"It's annoying when they move!" Kana protests. She quickly downs the rest of her bottle and slams it on the bench. "Dammit, if I'd just learned your style-"

"Absolutely _not,_ " Archer snaps. "It is a _suicidal style_ , requiring one to be good at reading opponents, planning multiple steps ahead _while_ in mortal danger, and be an _actual idiot."_ Which is exactly why only Emiya Shirou could create it, he adds quietly with a sigh. Man, now he has a stupidity migrane.

She pouts at him. "Please? It lets _you_ fight against superior opponents!"

"Are you even liste-"

Something clicks in his head. The massive, tremendously pendulous gears of the Unlimited Blade Works churn precisely once. Archer only vaguely registers that the ground rocks violently once beneath him, harsh enough to send Kana off the bench. "...Dammit you take after _me._ "

"The hell was that?!" Kana exclaims. "An attack?!"

The door to the sparring ground next to theirs flies open suddenly, Arturia in full armor panting. "I am _so sorry,"_ she says quickly, her face bright red, "I was, I mean, Okita nearly stabbed me with her technique, and I had already released Invisible Air, and I was just so caught up in the moment please don't hate me I'll fix the-"

" _Saber."_ Archer goes up to her and grabs the blonde King by the shoulders. Arturia stops babbling, only shivering as she looks up mortified at the Red Archer. "Did you _know._ That she takes after _me._ "

"...E-Eh?" She looks over at Kana, the girl already hurrying over and into the sparring ground. "Eh?" Arturia looks back up at Archer, her head tilted. "Eh?"

"How did you teach her swordplay. Did you cooperate with Rin. Her style is a mess. And _she takes after me."_

"...Oh." Arturia coughs, straightens out her hair, and takes a deep breath to compose herself. "Shirou approached me when she was eight, asking me to teach her the basics of swordfighting. I agreed, and I've proceeded to teach her as much as I can. Rin and I..." Her gaze sharpens. "...Have an _agreement._ We would just teach her our respective styles, and that would be it. And yes," she adds last, "She _does_ take after you as you were: a nice, thoughtful, and kind girl with an innocent wish to help people.

"...OH MY GOD OKITA ARE YOU OKAY?!"

"B-Bleugh..."

"Alright, okay, good you're still alive. Stay still so I can heal you!"

"...She doesn't have his focus, however," Saber laments. "She dabbles, unlike either of her parents. And she has her mother's evil."

"...She is an idiot who wants to save the world," Archer sighs.

"She understands that it's impossible and is happy to just do what she can," Arturia points out. "She knows her limits. Unlike _another_ boy I know who looks just like her," she adds, giving Archer the stink eye.

"My decisions have been made," Archer asserts, "Hers are still to be made. And back to the point, her style is a mess. She fights like half of you, and half of Rin – creating less than half of each of you on your own."

"That sounds about right," Arturia sighs. "That said, Rin and I have a truce. However Kana unifies our teachings is up to her." She looks up at Archer again and a gentle smile splays across her lips. "My... I didn't expect to see _that_ face again."

"Hm?" It is only now that Archer sees his hair has fallen, like a mop over his eyes. Did this happen when she spat out her water? "...Heh. This probably means something."

"It means something if we think it does," Saber says sagely.

"...I'm back, Saber."

"Yes..." She smiles, kind and radiant, like all those years ago. "Welcome back, Shirou."

They stand there for a bit, just enjoying this rare chance to be together again, no war looming over their heads.

"Alright," Kana sighs, "Okita should be fine now. I _really_ hope Medea finishes that charm soon!" She skips over to Saber and Archer, the both of them just standing along the walls. "Soooooo what did you talk about?"

"You take after me," Archer says again, calmly this time.

"...Dad said that when I asked him to teach me the first time," the girl muses. "Why? Is that a bad thing? Are you going to teach me?"

"No," he says, like ripping off a bandaid.

Kana pouts. "Aw, but dual wielding is so cool!"

"It is also wildly impractical, because the brain can only track so much and two swords is stretching it," Arturia says. "There is a _reason_ why people typically only use one sword, or a sword and shield. Archer, and your father, are exceptions. Walk your own path, Kana."

"...Fiiiiine," she pouts again. She giggles and claps Archer on the shoulder. "Thanks, archer-dad! I'm taking a shower, you have a nice day! You too, Auntie!"

"And you," Arturia nods. She looks up at Archer again. "So, what are your plans?"

"Archer!" Before EMIYA can respond, Caster arrives in a gust of wind. She points dramatically at the Counter Guardian. "I challenge you! The theme will be udon!"

He chuckles. "Alright."

* * *

"...Winner is Red Archer," Atalanta says flatly, as the three judges behind her – Arturia, Roman, and Da Vinci – all raise the banners with Archer's face on it. "Better luck next time, Medea."

Archer smiles as he undoes his apron, Caster slumped over her counter in defeat. "It wasn't much," he says slyly.

Da Vinci claps her hands and stands up. "Yes! And as Deputy Director of Chaldea, I appoint Red Archer as our Head Chef!"

"As Director I second that," Roman says with a smile. He frowns. "Wait, where's Ritsuka?"

"I think he's working," Arturia says gently.

"Ah... What's a good, hardworking boy he is!"

Archer smiles and bows politely at the Caster. "Then I humbly accept."

It's not what he expected to do here. But it's something he enjoys doing. That, he thinks, is good enough.

 **\- Chapter Six End -**

"Also, feel free to come to my workshop anytime, Archer!" Leonardo Da Vinci adds. "We can do some... _experiments._ "

"...And there it is," Archer sighs.


	7. Chapter 7

Nobody understands him. Nobody understands the burdens he faces, each and everyday.

When Romani Archaman joined Chaldea, all he was responsible for was the welfare of its staff. A big responsibility, sure, but he never managed things like resources or direction. He simply kept them alive and healthy, and let the others take care of the other things. He didn't need a vision. He didn't need a plan. He simply took care of them, and let the Director Animusphere - Maris-Billy or Olga-Marie - handle all the rest.

Now he's in charge. The Acting-Director, appointed after everyone else died when Lev betrayed them, not by vote of confidence but by necessity as the only member of the senior staff left alive. All the El Mellois and Edelfelts and the rest… everyone who would have succeeded Olga-Marie died before she did.

He intends to do his best, of course, and he wants to save mankind… but it's not easy. And there's no one he can talk to, about the burden suddenly placed on his shoulders. No one would understand. Not even Da Vinci. And certainly not-

The door clicks open, and Ritsuka Tohsaka steps in with a massive stack of papers and tablets, closing the door behind him with his leg like a true professional. "Morning, Director Roman. I've got the next eight micro-singularity teams planned and ready to deploy, according to this schedule over _here._ Besides that, though, we're going to have to start looking to the future. I need an inventory on our material stores, both mundane and magical, before we start with Servant ascensions. I also need to know our rationing timetable, our facility restoration timetable, and Da Vinci's schedule for bringing Reactor Three and Four back online."

"...Uh," Roman starts.

"I _also_ need to know what the status of our defenses is like. We haven't been attacked yet, but even with Lev dead the legions of Duke Flauros are probably still out there, we have to be prepared for an attack. We also need to be prepared for future invading singularities, like what happened with Okita and Nobunaga, so I also need to know what Da Vinci's progress on that is like. I also need to know our progress on the next Singularity; Lev's death is probably not in their plans, so we should have enough time to regroup a bit, but I need to know if TRIMEGISTUS' data agrees with that course of action. That can wait for another day; for now I just need the inventory manifest."

Roman blinks. He looks up at Ritsuka. "...Good morning to you too, RItsuka."

The Master plants the stack of papers on his desk and puts his arms on his waist. "Also, gonna need you to sign off on all of this." He nods and puts his hands in his pockets. "So… any idea where the inventory manifests are?"

"...Uh."

Ritsuka frowns and looks out the corner of his eye. "Nevermind, I should consult Lord El Melloi II about the statistical modelling first, maybe ask Da Vinci if I can have access to TRIMEGISTUS for a bit… I'll get the manifests later. Have a good day, Director!"

He runs out and closes the door behind him before Roman can get another word in edgewise. It clicks shut and leaves him in silence again. Roman looks at the stack of deployment orders and briefly glances at the one on top first; a twenty-page strike mission order detailing the Servants, his justifications for deployment, what he expects to lose, and what he expects to win, with a list of alternative options in case any Servants in the original team are unable to commit.

He didn't even _know_ deployment orders got this long. How long did he take to _do_ this? Did he even sleep?!

"...Right," Roman says, sucking on his teeth, "I wonder what Magi Mari has to say about my crushing shame..."

" _Kill yourself!"_ the virtual idol chirps from his desktop in an all-too cutesy fashion, _"Tee hee~ "_

He looks at the screen. He looks at his empty mug. Roman sighs and picks it up. "Coffee break it is," he mutters, and wanders off ghoulishly.

* * *

 _In the year 2026, human history ended_

 _Now those few who survive delve into the past, working to save history_

 _Hoping that their future will survive_

 _...Of course, when they say 'few', they really do mean like, one person_

 _Because everyone else is more interested in pissing around in between bouts of violent murder_

 _Pray for mankind, and pray for Ritsuka Tohsaka's sanity, in…_

 _ **FATE/SUNNY ORDER**_

* * *

The numerous strike missions were reviewed and authorised before lunch, and Roman took the opportunity to visit the genius in the basement. Though all of Chaldea was technically Da Vinci's territory – with spaces left open for future Casters to set up their own grounds – her actual workshop was located near the bottom of Chaldea, close to the reactor and the very foundations of the FATE System. All for expediency, in case she had to intervene quickly to deal with an incident, but it made visiting her a bit of a pain. The elevators were, regretably, still under repair, so Roman had to walk down. And unlike a Servant, he does not have the infinite stamina of the dead.

Basically, by the time he actually meets Da Vinci, he is a sweaty, panting mess. Maybe it's time to hit the gym again.

"Oh, Romani!" The Caster practically glides over to him, as if on shoes of air. "Is this about Ritsuka's request? Because he already came down, and I've granted him access to TRISMEGISTUS! He's in the core now with Caster El Melloi."

"...I see," Roman says. Well, it's not a total waste at least. He had something else to ask, too. "Well, do you happen to keep track of our... _special_ material stockpile? Ritsuka wants to know when he can begin Ascensions, and who to prioritise.

"Ah, yes yes! I suppose he'd want to get around to that, too!" The Caster pokes the mechanical eagle on her shoulder on the beak and grins as it sputters to life. "Be a dear and get the manifests, please?" She asks, voice like an angel. The mechanical bird nods and flies off gracefully, an impossibly elegant construct rivaling life itself.

"Thank you, Leo," Romani sighs. "Ritsuka's right, we should be thinking about the future... By the way, how are the-"

She waves him off. "Yes yes, Ritsuka has already asked! Repairs on the west and northwest wing are undergoing and expect to complete in a few weeks – maybe faster if we had Servant labour, but it is no matter I have automata for that! I'm trying to bring the third reactor online, maybe the fourth as an auxiliary. I might be a genius, Romani, but you can't rush these things!"

"You rushed when we detected Rome earlier than usual, though," Roman says weakly. Da Vinci shakes her head.

"No no no, that was different! I had a sudden burst of insight for that one, those come and go rarely. This one's a different problem, fixing it will take time!" Abruptly, she snaps her fingers. "That's right, I had something I wanted you to test!"

Roman frowns. This could go badly. "I have work, Leo. I normally wouldn't mind, but-"

"Pish posh, we're waiting for my bird anyways! Now," Leonardo says as she saunters back to her workbench, poking through her veritable mountain of scrap and parts, "I wonder where it is... Ah, here!"

Leonardo Da Vinci pulls out a robot arm from the pile like a trophy, and looks about as proud of it. "Tadah~! Try it, try it Romani!"

Roman narrows his eyes. "What _is_ it, though?"

"A robot arm, obviously! This one is a _rocket fist._ "

Roman's eyebrow twitches as he smiles strangely. Well, this will end poorly. But he's not getting out of it, so... "Sure... I guess?"

"Excellent! Now hold still, it's only a prototype!"

"Mm," Leonardo Da Vinci says as she purses her lips, analysing the crater in the wall and the doctor flat against the opposite wall. "Yes, will need bracing. Something to counteract the recoil, maybe the – no, inertial dampeners might catastrophically fail and just launch the recoil into them at a weird time... _Unless..._ "

The eagle perches on her shoulder before she can work herself up further, carrying a file in its beak. Da Vinci takes it and nuzzles it on the head, the mechanical contraption squawking at the attention. "Here you go, Romani!" She says cheerfully. "Try not to be a stranger!"

"Fix the lift please," Roman rasps, unable to do more than whisper with the wind knocked out of him.

"Oh! OH! So _that's_ why Ritsuka was panting when he came down! I knew I forgot something." Da Vinci slams her staff against the ground, and her workshop comes to life, over a dozen clockwork automata coming to life. "Sit tight, Romani, I'll have it up and running again soon!"

"Thank you," Dr Roman says, unable to do much else right now.

* * *

Lunch was... something, after emerging from the depths of Da Vinci's workshop. He just got a sandwich to go, and spent a few more hours dealing with mundane staff matters. Ritsuka is right; there are a few wounded staff currently in cryostasis that could be revived and treated, which would be a boost to their current abilities. But the problem is treatment; he's the only qualified physician on staff right now, and at the current workload the best he can do is one a week. It's a glacial pace, completely unacceptable. Oh, if only some of the Servants were doctors... Unfortunately, those will have to wait.

There is other work to be managed, though. Disputes between staff, management of morale, all the hundreds of variables that have to be tracked and managed and balanced. Which micro-Singularities approach their bubble of reality and can either be passed over, must be resolved, or can be exploited for resources must also be determined as well, as must the welfare of the staff be managed. The first signs of stir craziness are already cropping up, not to mention the long term psychological ramifications of being the last surviving humans left... Few brought family along. For all Roman knows, the only ones with relatives in Chaldea are Ritsuka and Kana.

Roman takes a look at the mountain of paper on his desk, the massive blocks of unread emails waiting in his inbox. He sighs, rolls his shoulders, and gets to work. It's his job now. He may have never wanted to be Director, but he won't give up on it either. It's just what he has to do, to save the mankind that he cherishes. At least Ritsuka and Kana can take care of the Servant side of things. They are reliable and capable, and already have three Singularities under their belts.

Someone knocks on the door. "Come in," Roman calls out, and in steps Lord El Melloi II – Pseudo-Servant Zhuge Liang, that is. He and Ritsuka must be done with their statistical analysis. "Caster, how may I help you?"

"Waver is fine," the Lord says simply. They had struck up a working relationship during Rome, the Caster a constant presence at the CIC and his advice invaluable for both Ritsuka and Kana. Not to mention their... prior relationship. "I don't think I ever expected to see you here, Romani Archaman."

Romani just smiles and shrugs, palms upwards. "This is just the hand I've been dealt. I'll just have to make do. I thought you were caught in the blast, though."

Waver shakes his head as he takes a seat before the director's desk. "I was managing matters in the Clocktower during Singularity F. Olga-Marie should have managed things on her own." He raises one eyebrow. "I never expected the Tohsaka children to be involved, however. Or that Lev Lynor would be a traitor, or that Olga-Marie would die." He sighs and pulls out a cigar. "It was a day of surprises."

"Please don't smoke," Roman says anxiously. Neither Maris-Billy nor Olga-Marie tolerated it in their presence. It feels wrong to allow it in their office.

Waver just sticks it into his mouth. "Of course. I know their idiosyncrasies, too. And yours," he adds significantly.

Romani laughs, thinking back to those times so long ago. "How long has it been since we met? Twelve years?"

"It sounds about right," Waver nods. "After the incident... Well, I suppose it doesn't matter now. The people who would know are dead, or us."

"That sounds too ominous for me," the acting-Director sighs. "Couldn't you couch it in nicer terms? Like how it's just a secret between the two of us?"

Waver says nothing. He looks at the Director's desk, covered in papers and dominated by a monitor. "I suppose," he aquieces. "Well, I only came to see how his place looks now. It really does not suit you."

"I suppose it doesn't," Roman says with a laugh. "That's good too, isn't it... I don't think I belong in this chair, either. But it's my responsibility now. I don't intend on giving up." Roman leans forward, resting his hands on the desk. "And I never thought you would be viable as a Pseudo-Servant yourself, Lord El Melloi II."

"I fought in the Fourth War and was involved in the cleanup for the Fifth and Sixth." He looks at himself, the vestements about his shoulders. "Figures that I would be backline support. I would be completely useless on the frontlines, as you might expect."

Romani smiles. "Then that makes the two of us, doesn't it?"

For the first time since entering the office, Waver smiles too. "I suppose." He starts to stand up, hands in his pockets. "I'll be in the CIC if you need me for anything, mulling over the data from TRISMEGISTUS."

"And I'll be here," the Doctor says as the professor leaves, "...Doing my best."

* * *

He tried his best. He really did. It feels like it's been literal years since he's seen the daylight, felt the wind on his cheek, known the sound of another voice. And he's still surrounded by paper, reports that need filing, updates that need reading, everything that needs to be everything. He's losing hold of his humanity, losing sight of what he's fighting for. What is the sun? What is a song? What are words? Where is he? _Who_ is he?

There is a knock on the door. "Doctor, are you there?"

"Wuh—I mean, s-sure, M-Mashu! Come in!" Caught with his pants down - metaphorically, of course - in the middle of some overdramatic overacting, Roman quickly composes himself as much as possible before she steps in. The door clicks open in an instant, and the violet Demi-Servant steps in, carrying a serene Fou in her arms like a big white teddy bear.

Her eyes widen as she spots Roman, and he braces himself for a scolding. "Oh, Doctor! You look tired, are you okay?"

His hair is still a mess,and his coat is wrinkled, but she must assume it's from the _giant piles of paper around him._ She's not wrong, either. Ah, to save mankind, sacrifices must be made. "I'm alright," he says gently, making a show of straightening out his hair. He frowns as he takes a deeper look at her. "Are you alright?"

"Fou, fou..." Fou says.

Roman nods. Is it still eating away at her? How dreadful. "Ah, I see... It's about Ritsuka, then?" Mashu nods. Well... work can wait. This is important. "Take a seat, Mashu. Would you like some tea?"

"It's fine," Mashu says softly. She sits down and tucks her legs in onto the edge of the seat, allowing Fou to hop onto the desk first. Roman makes a cup for himself, and sets it aside after taking a whiff.

"Well, we'll just cut to the chase today," Roman says gently. He clasps his hands together. "You like him, don't you?"

Mashu turns red, and she can't seem to make eye contact with him. She nods tensely. That bad, huh?

"And he likes you, too, right?"

She turns redder, right to the tips of her earlobes. Mashu nods again. It's actually disgusting how easily Mashu can vascilate between adorably excitable to coolly badass to stutteringly cute. It's almost like she was purpose bred for _those_ traits, but he knows better. Mashu is just naturally like this, Shielder or not.

Roman gives a strained smile. "Well, maybe you should have just said yes... just a thought?"

She slides deeper and buries her face into her thighs. Fou turns to him, pouting. "Fouuuuu..." It says, shaking a paw at him.

"I know, I know." Roman sighs. This is _really hard_. He stands up from his chair and walks around, placing it on Mashu's head. She doesn't react, but she doesn't chase his hand away either. That's... nice. And probably a good sign. "We both know I'm not very good at this," he says with an awkward laugh, "But, I can do at least this much... If you ever need anyone to cry on, I'm always available. Alright?"

Mashu shifts and nods, but doesn't say much else. Well, that's fine too. They don't need to say much. Sometimes, words just get in the way.

...Still, he should at least try and give some advice. "That said... if you really want something, you should... just take what you want, sometimes? Don't be rude or anything I guess... except when you have to be? That's... how the world works? I think?" He glances at Fou, hoping for any sort of positive reaction. The little creature is sticking its tongue out at him.

Rude.

"...Doctor?"

"A-Anyways, I'm sure Ritsuka will be happy to hear you say yes! You should be the one to tell him first, after all!" Roman laughs, hands in his pockets. Shit, shit shit, it's falling apart. "O-Or maybe wait for him to try again! They say that some men don't like strong women, hahaha...!"

She sinks even deeper into her fetal hug. "That's right... I'm a Demi-Servant, I'm stronger than him... Maybe he doesn't like me now..."

"B-B-BUT Ritsuka isn't that kind of boy! He likes strong girls! Loves them, actually! More than anything!"

Mashu lifts her head and looks blearily at one of her arms. She pinches a bicep but finds very little purchase. Sighing, she sinks back down into the depths of her self-created hell.

He's fucked up. He is losing control of the situation. Dammit Romani you're ruining this now fix this. Don't mess it up for Ritsuka he is a good boy who could use a good girl in his life – _that is to say they should meet not be used that's not right at all._

"Fou!" Fou jumps at Roman's shoulder and whaps him on the cheek. "Fou!" It slaps him again, with the other paw. "FOUUUU!"

"...You know, I think I know why Ritsuka doesn't like you."

Fou jabs him in the eyes with his forepaws. "Fou fooou FOU!"

"Oi! Ow! Alright, alright, I got it! Stop that!" Roman gets to his desk, turns the monitor and keyboard over, and types quickly. "Come on, Magi Mari... I need your help!"

Fou sighs and shakes its head. "Fou..."

"Hey, it's good advice! Exactly what Mashu needs to hear!"

" _You're both fukken normies,"_ the magical girl website says flatly at him. _"Just die already! Kyaha~ "_

Romani frowns. He shares a look with Fou. Mashu whimpers and sinks even further into a ball-like construct. Any further, and they may have to call her Demi-Servant Rounder. Baller? Something like that, Da Vinci would probably have a name ready. Still, this is an unmitigated disaster.

Fou jabs him in the eyes again.

"Oi!"

There is no resolution here. Just an incredible void of awkwardness. And an irate ball of fluff, going for the eyes.

* * *

"..Alright, Lord El Melloi II and I have crunched the data," Ritsuka says as he steps into the office, "by our calculations we have a few months before the next major Singularity appears, as many as five if we're lucky. That should give us time to get Chaldea back up to full functionality, and maybe bolster our Servant roster a bit. Shame we can't summon at the moment... But we really can't use that energy right now." Ritsuka finally looks up from his tablet and finally sees Roman smiling weakly at him, his eyes red. "...What just happened?"

"Small animal attack," Roman says with a faint smile. "Don't worry, I'll be fine soon..."

"...Small animals go for the eyes?" Ritsuka asks, concerned.

"It's the best way to take down big creatures," Roman notes, semi-proud of his nugget of trivia. Only a bit, because he was the big creature in question. Ow, his eyes. Everything is fuzzy now.

"I'll assume you made Fou angry or something," Ritsuka says, his brow set in a slight frown. "So, about the manifests I wanted..."

Roman reaches into a drawer and pulls out three folders. "Here they are. Mundane and magical materials, plus our current rationing scheme, yes?"

"Yep," the young Master nods, and takes all of them. "I'll go over them later. Thanks, Director."

"Any time," Roman says with a smile. He frowns, still smiling. "Actually, there's something else. Come, sit with me."

Ritsuka walks over and sits down on the chair, arms folded. "Oooookay what's up?"

"So... Mashu has never been outside of Chaldea. She's never seen the world."

"I know this, yes," Ritsuka nods. "I'd show her around but... yeah not gonna happen."

"That's right. And I'm the one she turns to if she needs advice or support."

The Tohsaka Heir frowns harder. "What are you implying...?"

"Nothing," Roman says with a smile. "I'm saying that... technically speaking, I'm Mashu's father."

There is silence. Painful, agonising silence that lasts five seconds. Roman counted. It's the only way to stave off the madness.

"...I mean like a father figure," he quickly elaborates. "I'm not _actually_ her father. That would be... weird."

"Uh _huh._ " Ritsuka narrows his eyes. "I'm now even more worried for Mashu than I already was."

"...You're not supposed to say that part out loud."

Ritsuka's cheeks flush; to his credit, his expression does not change. "Probably not. But let's pretend and say I didn't."

Roman sighs. This is going nowhere. "The _point_ is... You have my blessing. Be happy with her. Show her the world, show her life, and most importantly... show her love." He smiles warmly, the first properly fatherly thing he's done in a long time. "She deserves it, and so do you."

Ritsuka stops frowning. He looks at Roman, eyes wide in surprise. He probably never thought there was a side like this to the acting-director. "...Thanks," he manages, working his jaw. "I'll... try my best."

"That's all I need to hear," the peach-haired doctor says. "I trust you perfectly, Ritsuka."

"Mm." Ritsuka frowns again. "Okay, so why do you have a magical girl anime wallpaper on your desktop?"

"Hm?" Darn. He didn't turn the screen around. Fou really did a number on him – and no one must ever know that Fou is capable of such horrifying feats. Oh well, time to own it. "It's not anime. It's Magi Mari."

Ritsuka gives him a dirty look. "That's worse. Magi Mari is trash. And how are you _saying_ that?"

"Firstly, it's Magi Mari."

"Stop saying that. You are an _adult._ "

"Secondly," Roman continues, seething, "Your taste is trash. Magi Mari is _peerless advice."_

"It is literally some asshole on the internet trolling people. Why do you trust it. _How do you still have the internet."_

"We have the Algorithm somewhere in Chaldea," Roman explains. "Regardless, you are wrong! Magi Mari is a good, wholesome girl who wants to help everyone with good advice!"

" _She literally tells you to kill yourself like half the time."_

Roman looks at Ritsuka. Ritsuka looks at Roman. Roman shrugs. "To be fair... I'm pretty sure she's joking."

" _You don't joke about that shit."_

"Stop shaming me about my interests! Magi Mari is pure and wholesome! NO BULLY!"

"YOU ARE A GROWN ADULT DAMMIT _AND STOP SAYING THAT HOW ARE YOU SAYING THAT?!"_

It continues from this point on. Nothing constructive. Nothing helpful. Just loud shouting over a 2D anime girl and whether or not she qualifies as the definition of trash incarnate.

Welcome to Chaldea. Goodbye, Ritsuka.

 **\- End Chapter Seven -**

Elsewhere in the indescribable realm of the Kaleidoscope, in a realm beyond the reach of man, one person witnesses this debate and laughs himself silly.

"...Hahaha! He keeps falling for it," the man in white robes snickers, his hair also a luscious plume of white, his hands resting on a keyboard of pure white and blue, glowing with ethereal power. "What a fucking normie."


	8. Chapter 8

"I'm going to ask Ritsuka out."

The words come suddenly from the frenchman's mouth. Marie and Atalanta both turn to d'Eon, their eyes wide in surprise as the former spy sits at the countertop, elbows lazily resting on its surface. In the aspect of a woman, she glances at each of them, smiling knowingly.

"Are you sure?" The Huntress asks. "I mean, he likes Shielder. You're going to get rejected."

Marie, however, nods encouragingly. "I support you unconditionally, d'Eon! Go forth and conquer! _Viva la France!"_

d'Eon chuckles and leans forwards, head resting in her palms. "What can I say? He's interesting, fun, and thoughtful."

"He's a pushover with no chill," Atalanta says ruefully, laying down on the kitchen's counter. He's also a talented mage and a pillar holding Chaldea together, but she doesn't say that because that's irrelevant to the matter at hand. "I wouldn't go for him. Too weak."

"'Lanta only dates men who best her!" Medea calls out from the kitchen. The Lioness' ears twitch and perk up as Atalanta's expression sours. "Beware of temples, she'll-"

"I WILL EAT YOU!" Atalanta snarls.

"Love you too, Atalanta~"

"Focus, Caster!" Archer chides, his words punctuated by the loud sizzle of oil. "You'll never defeat me at this rate!"

"Defeat? Hah! I will _crush_ you like a _bug_ , false hero! On my oath as Princess of Colchis!"

"Your oath has no value, Witch of _Betrayal._ "

"Sh-Shut up and fry, fool!"

The green-blonde archer sighs and pulls up her hood over her ears, but they indent against the cloth and maintain their shape anyways. "I should wear a hat," she grumbles, vainly attempting to push her ears down so they stay flat against her scalp. Her eyes dart quickly to the spy-turned-Dragoon Captain. "Yeah basically Master's a wimp and you deserve better than a bottom."

d'Eon laughs, a melodious titter. "There's more to men than strength, Archer... Besides, I've been interested since France. What goes on in the mind of the one named Ritsuka Tohsaka, Master of Chaldea?"

* * *

 _The year is 2026... or it should be. It could be._

 _The year is probably 2026, and Chaldea is all that remains_

 _Save the cheerleader, save the world_

 _But in this incredibly tortured metaphor, the cheerleader is the past_

 _Or maybe it's one of the Tohsakas, all of them look good in skirts_

 _Well, good luck finding one_

 _This scrawl is incredibly awkward_

 _Very little cable TV exists in..._

 _ **FATE/SUNNY ORDER**_

* * *

The reasons d'Eon gave the others were not the full story, however. The real reason they wish to date Ritsuka Tohsaka is something more indescribable; not for lack of trying, of course. The closest d'Eon had gotten to describing their feelings on the matter was one simple word - 'attraction.'

Not in the conventional, physical meaning; Ritsuka Tohsaka is alright, perhaps even handsome, but in terms of appearance the cool EMIYA, the stern 'Zhuge Liang', and the wild Cu Chulainn won in every category. Robin was also a better choice as a rugged and dashing rogue. And then if you were desperate (or just in the mood for muscles) Leonidas and Herakles were both waiting and... well one of them was semi-willing. Maybe. At least, no one knew Herakles' stance towards a relationship. Presumably it would involve a lot of incoherent roaring.

No, what d'Eon means is Ritsuka's attractiveness, how he draws people towards him, his _charisma_. His sister has it too, but the way each of them express it is vastly different. Kana is a social butterfly and, apologies in advanced, a scatterbrained dork. It's easy to see how people, even heroes, are drawn to someone like her, always bright, always cheery, and possessed of just enough insight for even the most cynical legend to turn their heads right before she makes a fool of herself again, almost like she's _trying_ to be an idiot. A girl with a simple wish, and the desire to make connections. That is her attraction, and it's... mundane. Expected, as much as Kana was sure to hate that description. d'Eon likes Kana well enough, but she's a solved conundrum – or at least a normal sort of exception. One that d'Eon had personally encountered and handled many times during their life.

Ritsuka is... more difficult to place. He's not his sister. He's reserved, he's grouchy, he always seems like he's one Nobunaga away from melting down and stabbing the nearest person in the neck with his bare hands – or himself, if no one's in range. When he's not one step from violently snapping, he's either a sarcastic wit or the diligent worker. And sometimes, he is all of these things at the same time.

But he's always considerate. He's always polite to other people even he's in the middle of busting someone else's ass, and is kind and considerate to the innocent. When incidents happen he's driven with purpose to resolve it. When something needs to be done, he works at it tirelessly. And when nothing needs to be done, he finds something to do. Is it this mad drive that makes him their flag, someone that Heroes can rally around?

Or is it how he's a walking contradiction? Le Chevalier d'Eon is familiar with Magi, having dealt with them on more than one mission in the old days. They are cynical, inhuman monsters, devoid of compassion and entirely focused on their own works. Nothing is done with warmth or emotion. Nothing is done with sentiment. It's all for the sake of their research, decency or even humanity be damned. Nothing is sacred, not even life. And Ritsuka Tohsaka embodies this well.

Atalanta is wrong; Ritsuka is strong, not a pushover. Nothing will stop him if he does not want to stop, maybe not even death itself. Being easily bullied is just an act. No, not quite an act - if d'Eon had to describe it, it'd be something close to clothing. Important, but if necessary easily discarded if one had to go naked. Same with his compassion. His consideration. If he must discard these attributes, he will do so.

But he's _also_ a good person. It is a mask surrounding a core of dark iron, but past the iron is humanity as well.

Is he a monster held back by his moral code? A good person taught that he must not stop at anything to fulfill his goals? Someone in between? d'Eon is not sure. The Saber, who has seen so many people, _been_ so many people, does not know what Ritsuka Tohsaka is. He is an enigma. A living contradiction. A grouch, a joy, a monster, a hero, unceasing drive, frustrated failure, a day from becoming a nightmare, a constant bastion of sanity in this mad world. He is all of these things and more, at the same time. He is an enigma.

He... is interesting. Unique. A puzzle of a configuration that d'Eon had never encountered before, despite their lengthy career as a spy and infiltrator.

...Well, maybe that's why d'Eon is interested, then. Ritsuka is an enigma who should have never joined Chaldea, let alone been someone _this_ suited to be a Master. And yet he is. And he is wholly human – his family proves it.

What did he go through? Who are his parents? What is he?

What more can he become?

d'Eon wants to know. Dating is the best, or at least most direct, way to do that. Emotional attachment was one of the easiest ways to worm secrets and understanding out of a mark, said the spymaster in d'Eon's head, and romance is one of the most potent tools in their arsenal. And if it becomes something more... well, why not?

This is why they seek out Ritsuka. This is why d'Eon will not stop, until they know.

So d'Eon follows Ritsuka around as a woman, watching for a lull in his routine, a quiet moment where she can sweep him off his feet, as d'Eon did so many times before, with so many others. He starts this day by performing a kata, probably to practice his style and maintain his mental edge. Then he goes to the cafeteria, grabs a coffee and some toast-

"Actually, Ritsuka," Archer says from the kitchen as Ritsuka returns his plate, "If you don't mind, I need to talk to you about something."

d'Eon wonders what this is about... Ah, right, Archer was there when she talked about it to Atalanta and Marie. Maybe should have made an effort to neutralize Archer's influence on the situation beforehand, perhaps some reason to get him out of the room. Too late now.

"What's it about, father?" Ritsuka asks.

Archer makes a dismayed expression at 'father', but brushes it aside. "I might not actually be your father, but I suspect that 'I' didn't give you _that_ talk."

"I know where babies come from," Ritsuka says flatly. "I assure you, I am fully equipped to be elegant and graceful as the Tohsaka should be."

Archer gives him a look. "...Right. Elegant and graceful. Like your mother."

"Mom is elegant and graceful what are you talking about."

"Let's hope we never have to know," Counter Guardian EMIYA says, an uneasy look in his eyes. "But no, I meant the thing about girls."

"...There are a lot of things about girls. Whenever I think he's done, he's not." There is a distant, vacant look in his eyes. "He's never done. And I don't think he'll ever be done. _And it's not his fault._ "

"Yeah, that's just an Emiya Shirou thing," Archer says with a sigh. "I'm taking a break now. We can talk in the cooler."

Ritsuka shrugs and steps into the kitchen. d'Eon lingers; this opportunity has slipped, but there will be others. Whatever the nameless Archer had to say to their 'son,' they could adapt to it. They've worked through tougher circumstances before.

* * *

"Alright, what you should come to terms with is the fact that French women are _very good_ at getting what they want."

Ritsuka frowns as he says that. "What's this about?"

"I'm telling you the truths of your existence, Ritsuka. You are the son of Emiya Shirou. You are already doomed." The Counter Guardian says this with absolute, grim certainty, his arms crossed and his brow set. "Finns, too, are good at getting what they want. As are Japanese girls. In fact, if they come from a nation that starts with any of the first ten letters of the alphabet, you are already doomed."

"...That's most of the world," Ritsuka says flatly.

Archer nods mournfully. "It is the sad truth of your existence. You _will_ be bullied by women. You _will_ go along with what they want you to do. This is not some screed about social justice, or the role men and women should play. That doesn't matter. _You_ , personally, are cursed to being attractive to all women in your life, who want to make you theirs." Archer pauses, remembering a certain friend who was a school council president. "...and men. Men too, I'm pretty sure in hindsight."

"I'm pretty sure I can take care of myself," Ritsuka grumbles.

"That is all well and good, but I have already seen it. Your defenses began weak. Against any concerted assault you _will_ crumble. The only way to overcome it would have been a strict upbringing and strenuous training, but _'I'_ am your male role model in a household dominated by the fairer sex." Archer sighs, a nihilistic soliloquy for the lost. "Accept it, Tohsaka Ritsuka. You are the hero of an eroge."

"...I wish to vehemently reject any and all implications of a sister route," Ritsuka says after a long pause. "That is disgusting, and _I'm pretty sure she's not into me."_

"Anything can happen," Archer nods sagely, "I myself was the subject of my older sister's attractions."

"...Who?" Ritsuka looks up. "You have a sister? I have never heard of this."

"What sister?" Archer corrects smoothly. "I never said anything of the sort. I said I was the subject of many older womens' attractions."

"...I know you're hiding something, father, but whatever I don't care enough." Ritsuka sighs. "Alright, I'm the hero of the eroge of my life. What now?"

Archer raises one finger. "The tricks is what to do _after_ you get seduced. While I am sure your father is more experienced in these matters, I have some tips to offer. The most important step is reinforcement."

"Of the legs?" Ritsuka asks hopefully.

"Ah, no. Most women who corner you will likely be Servants, so your best bet is to last as long as possible. With reinforcement..."

* * *

It is lunchtime by the time Ritsuka comes out, haggard and hollow. Kana spots him from her patio, eating some macaroni, and waves him over. He shambles towards her and takes a seat, his eyes a thousand yards away.

Hm. This is probably not the best time for d'Eon to ask... So they don't. It's not like they were on a schedule, they could afford to bide their time, wait for the right moment to strike. They return their attention to their tea, while listening very closely to what the twins were saying.

"Sup, bro?" The lively Tohsaka asks. "You have lunch yet? I wanted to go over team compositions with you! I was thinking that, with our current Servant lineup, we could..." She frowns and snaps her fingers in front of Ritsuka. He jolts and nearly falls back into the chair.

"I'm up! I'm up!"

"No," Kana says dryly, "You're dead. Welcome to hell."

Ritsuka looks around, watching the Servants and mundane Staff around them mill for lunch. "...I knew it," he sighs, "It looks _exactly the same._ "

"...Wow. You seem deader than usual for lunchtime." Kana looks down at her macaroni and takes a slow spoonful of it. "Sho," she says, food still in her mouth, "You ohkay?"

"Please don't talk with food in your mouth," her brother sighs. He plants his head on the table and groans loudly. "Archer just gave me the talk."

She swallows and sucks on her teeth. "Don't you know where babies come from?"

"Not that talk, the one about how because I'm dad's son I'm apparently inexplicably attractive and so I'm _fucked_." Ritsuka groans and bangs his head on the table. "I'm not! _He's_ not! It's literally not a problem _why did I have to hear that."  
_

Kana frowns and puts her spoon down. "Uh."

"I've literally _never had a girlfriend_ you'd think that would have happened by now if it were true. And _dad_ didn't start dating until _he_ was seventeen _and a war veteran."_

"Uhm."

"And you know what? _Dad got married to the first girl he liked and dated. And remains married to her._ And no technicalities, Kana, I swear to fuck, the incineration of mankind _does not-"_

Kana leans forward and flicks him on the forehead.

"Ow! What?!" She flicks him again. "OW!"

"Guda." Kana is dead serious, not even the ghost of a cheeky smirk on her face. "Do you realise how many girls liked dad by the time he graduated high school?"

"...Mom?"

"And Auntie Arturia. And Aunt Sakura. And Aunt Mitsuzuri. And basically half the girls in school." Her gaze stays level and sharp, like a sword thrusting for his eyes. "And I haven't even gotten to his classmates at the Clocktower. Like, pardon my finnish, Aunt _Luviagelita motherfucking Edelfelt."_

"...You're fucking me. You just pulled four names out of a hat. A very small hat."

" _Auntie Arturia was literally in a relationship with both our parents at the same time._ " She flicks him on the forehead again. "Stupid bint _didn't you notice anything?!_ "

"OW! Hey!" He points at her and bats away her new attempts to flick him on the forehead. "First off, stop that! Second off, why would I pay attention to the romantic spiderweb of our _married_ father? Actually, how do you know that?" His eyes widen. "Oh dear god are you telling me you wan-"

Kana falls back against her chair and sighs loudly, heavily, and exasperatedly, cutting her brother off before he could say something stupid that she'd need to make him regret. "Do you know why you never had to deal with this bullshit in school?"

"...Because no one cared?" Ritsuka asks. He jumps in his skin when Kana slams her fist on the table.

"Bruh. _Bruh."_ She points at him with a finger trembling with rage. "You were an honor student and a fucking _urban legend._ Everyone knew your name! You graduated valedictorian! And even if you weren't an absolute legend for that _bullshit_ you pulled in both the track team and the kyuudo club, _people have eyes._ And you, on the surface, are the kind of senpai that slays with a smile."

A moment passes in absolute silence between the two of them. Ritsuka opens and closes his mouth like a fish, seconds between each action. This has blown his mind, more than any sort of magecraft or angry punching.

"...Did you-"

"I _will_ flick you again. I am _not_ hot for my brother! That's disgusting! Fuck you for even thinking it!"

"Hey, hey!" Ritsuka holds his hands up defensively. "I agree! I completely, fully agree! But what are you getting at?!"

Kana, in a fit of rage, slaps her macaroni off the table and points her thumb at herself. "Guda, _I_ beat off your legion of fangirls. And apparently I did such a good job that _you didn't even realise you had a legion of fangirls._ "

Ritsuka just sits there, the truth of the world laid bare before him. And it is horrifying. "Oh."

"Yeah," Kana nods angrily, "'Oh'. You are _goddamn welcome._ "

d'Eon absentmindedly works dealing with Kana into their plan of approach.

Ritsuka looks at her – _through_ her – for the next minute. He looks up at the ceiling, then across the cafeteria. This seems to have shocked him to the core, d'Eon notes. Is their Master really this clueless about their charisma? It bears further study.

"So..." Ritsuka's eyes focus and he looks at his sister. She seems sad about her macaroni. Her fault for slapping it. "...Remember all those boys that tried hitting on you?"

"Hm?" Kana looks back at him and tilts her head. "If it's about that one time, didn't the confessions stop after I flung that one guy out a window?"

"Yeah, about that... the confessions actually intensified."

"Huh." She frowns. "Huh?" Her face relaxes. "Huh. Wait, really? Did you..."

"I may have had a street fight or five," Ritsuka admits. "Eventually the guys just decided that they had to defeat _me_ to date you. And no one ever did, so." He sighs into a laugh, hands on his hips. "Funny how that works, huh? We were so busy covering for each other in high school that we didn't realise _we_ were also being covered."

"Yeah, weird," Kana agrees. His sister tugs on her sidetail idly and leans forward against the table. "I wonder why they went for me, though... You were the senpai, but I was just kind of eh at kyuudo. Didn't even end up Captain."

Ritsuka works his jaw. "There were a few reasons. One or two obvious ones."

Kana frowns and looks down at herself. "Of fucking course," she groans.

"I more meant your cool style and confident attitude," Ritsuka says quickly. "I mean, teenage boys; they'll always be interested. But it wasn't _just_ that, y'know?"

She sighs, smiling. "I guess. Thanks, bro." Kana takes one last look at her macaroni and whimpers at the loss before standing up. "Right, I don't think _either_ of us are good for that strategy meeting today. Lunch tomorrow?"

"Right, when I see you then."

She leaves quickly, and Ritsuka is left looking up at the ceiling, blinking. Alone.

"...Dammit, dad," he mutters.

d'Eon, several tables over, mulls over how the new information they've obtained.

* * *

The information acquired paints an interesting hodgepodge of a map, d'Eon notes in their they learn has only made Ritsuka even more of an enigma than he already is. Archer seems to recognise his charisma as an inborn characteristic, but it is something he himself is largely ignorant of despite having acted to counter it in his own sister.

Taken in a vacuum, it more closely resembles a bunch of idiots drifting from event to event. But there has to be more to it. This quality cannot be incidental. Pure chance cannot have produced the ideal Masters for Chaldea. Is it related to how they refer to the King of Knights as 'auntie'? Have they grown up around legendary figures all their lives?

d'Eon has learned nothing. The mystery only deepens. Closer observation is necessary. First-hand observation.

There is a knock on the door. d'Eon opens it, and finds Mashu Kyrielight, Demi-Servant Shielder, standing there with a frown in her eyes. "Uhm... Saber d'Eon, can we talk?"

d'Eon nods and stands aside. "Of course," they say, and gesture for Mashu to step in. The purple-haired girl walks in as the door shuts behind her, and she sits after d'Eon gestures for her to do so. The silence is slightly awkward and offputting. Someone will have to break the ice. d'Eon watches on calmly, wondering if she has the will to make her own decision.

"Le Chevalier d'Eon," Mashu says, her voice clear and firm, "I would ask that you _not_ ask Ritsuka-senpai out."

It is _that_ matter after all. What else could it possibly be? "Why would I?" The former spymaster asks. "Ritsuka Tohsaka is currently single. Anyone could ask, and it wouldn't even be wrong. What matters is his decision, isn't it?"

Mashu is defiant. "It is an open secret that we like each other, so I would _greatly appreciate_ if you would acknowledge our feelings, and not intervene." She looks down, looking sad, but Shielder hardens her heart. "I l-like Ritsuka-senpai, a-and he's mine. He should be mine."

"Is it?" d'Eon asks. They step closer to Mashu, looming over her. "As I understand, you rejected him when he tried confessing to you."

Her face flushes red, and Mashu dares not make eye contact. "Ye-Yes, but I was... I was flustered! I didn't expect it to happen so suddenly! A-And it doesn't change my feelings _or_ his feelings!"

"Ah," d'Eon sighs, "But by rejecting him... didn't you forfeit your chance?"

"T-That's...!"

She falls on the bed, flat on her back. d'Eon follows her, holding themselves over Mashu with her hands on the bed. Mashu looks up at d'Eon's face so close to hers, her face red, her breath quick.

"That's fine," d'Eon purrs. "I don't mind sharing."

"W-Wuh?" Mashu babbles. Her coherence has taken leave, only raw, confused emotion remains. "H-Huh?!"

"You _also_ interest me, Mashu Kyrielight," d'Eon says to her, smiling. "And, as I understand it, neither of you know what love is like. I do. And I am willing to teach."

"T-That's, I-I-I MEAN-"

d'Eon chuckles, low and lusty. They lean in close, and whisper in her ear. "Would you like to know why no one loves like the French?"

"-!"

It is too much for her. Mashu goes limp, her eyes rolled up into her skull, her body twitching uncontrollably, a streak of red dripping from her nose. d'Eon smirks as they extricate themselves and leave the room. It seems that she is still too innocent for their Master. But that isn't bad, either. It is an appealing look, one d'Eon has used before – and if it is genuine, all the better.

d'Eon chuckles as they close the door behind them. Time to hunt.

* * *

"So, uh."

Getting cornered by an androgynous french spy in the hallway right outside your room is a very good way to practice your mental acuity, Ritsuka realises. It has to be the only reason why a bunch of information is suddenly highly relevant. Like why Archer told him about french girls. Or Reinforcement. Or why d'Eon was there at the cafeteria when he was talking to Kana. Now it all makes sense.

In the end, this is the future he has to face. No way to go but forward.

"...Can I help you?" Ritsuka asks.

"You are an interesting person, Master," Le Chevalier d'Eon says outright, their voice a low, sultry purr. "I wish to get to know you more... _intimately._ "

Right. This bullshit. If only he _did_ get hit on in high school, it might have prepared him for this. Still, Archer might be wrong. Ritsuka takes a deep breath. "Listen, d'Eon... I appreciate the thought, but I'm busy as heck right now. As it turns out, saving the world is a full time committment, and I don't think I have the energy left to devote myself to a special pers— _woah!"_

He stumbles back, his heart in his throat, as the wall behind him caves in, and Ritsuka finds himself on the ground, with the french Saber practically straddling him. He feels their breath on his cheek, and decides that things have gotten extremely awkward.

Wait that's right _Le Chevalier d'Eon has Strength A._

 _When the fuck did that happen._

"You're stalling, Ritsuka Tohsaka," d'Eon says, somewhere between anger and acceptance. "Get. To. The. Point."

"I-I-I'm saying I'm b-busy saving the world, m-managing Servants, d-d-dealing with my sister, _f-fighting,_ an-and everything else!" He says quickly, practically blabbering. "I-I mean sure, awesome! Y-You're nice! You are v-very pretty! A-And French! A-And I appreciate that you've c-come to support us to s-save humanity! An-And-"

"But," d'Eon breathes. "You're not ready."

And just like that, the spy is off him. Ritsuka scrambles to an upright position as d'Eon stands up and faces away.

"You're not ready for a relationship," they say again. "Yet. And that's okay. I can wait."

They look over their shoulder at Ritsuka, hands clasped behind their back. "I look forward to the day we rendezvous, Master. And don't worry about Shielder; she seems enthusiastic about our _Ménage à trois."_

They head off before Ritsuka can say anything else, leaving him alone in the silence again. This happens distressingly often with him. He stands up, leaning against an upright section of his room's wall, trying to get a grip on himself.

"...Wait, d'Eon said threesome in french," he mutters, eyes widening slowly in realisation and shock. He looks up at the ceiling and frowns. "Huh..."

He sits there, not even caring that there is a giant hole in his wall at this hour of the day.

"...Dad, it's me. An androgynous french spy with the power to change their gender on demand has offered to partake in a threeway with me and my crush. Are you proud of me?"

There is no answer. Of course there wouldn't be, his father is dead with the incineration of humanity, and will be until he saves the timeline. But somehow, Ritsuka can feel his father's resigned, supportive nod.

 **\- End Chapter Eight -**

Late at night, in the kitchen, Arturia Pendragon sits at the counter eating a parfait, surrounded by a pile of dessert cups. Archer stands beside her, cleaning a plate to radiant perfection with a dishrag.

"...Archer, I get the feeling you gave Ritsuka the _talk."_ The King of Knights looks over at him, an alternate version of the man she loves. "Tell me, did you know Ritsuka has never received the confessions of another girl?"

She sticks her leg out, just in time to catch the plate _just_ right to keep it from shattering. You know, because Archer drops it.

"...Excuse me?" He asks, an eyebrow raised. "From what Kana tells me, he was the Tohsaka of his generation, a beloved and respected honor student with many admirers. How did he of all people never receive a love confession?"

"Kana," Arturia replies simply, and all becomes clear. She takes another bite of parfait and delights in the almonds mingling in the ice cream. "Incidentally, Kana is much the same. Ritsuka fought of all of her admirers."

"...I told him about Reinforcement with the assumption that he was ready for it," Archer says with growing horror. "I have failed on every level."

"Ritsuka already knows about Reinforcement," Arturia says casually. Archer ignores her; best she not know, even if she knows exactly the kind of 'Reinforcement' he means.

"...In retrospect, I should have just told him to look out for Le Chevalier d'Eon," EMIYA sighs.

"Mm. Probably." Arturia plants her spoon into the cup with a clatter and pushes it towards the Red Man. "Another, please."


	9. Chapter 9

"Gah, _finally_ , we can roll the gacha some more!" Kana walks with a skip in her step as she cheers, side by side with her brother. "I love our Servants, really do, but I'd love to have _more._ You know?"

"You're greedy as hell," Ritsuka says, not nearly as energetic as his sister. He has a cup of coffee in his hand and a stack of folders under his arm, pending orders for the new micro-singularities that have appeared since. Ritsuka relents with a small smile. "Well, I guess we could shore up ou Saber division, and we don't actually have any Assassins right now. Would be nice to get some, and shore up our Riders while we're at it."

It's been... two, three weeks? About three weeks since the initial call to suspend summons and focus all of Chaldea's resources on rebuilding was made. The window that Flauros' death provided gave Chaldea a respite, enough to finally lick its wounds and focus on getting back on its feet _before_ punching the enemies of human history in the dick.

Offensive operations, localised shutdowns of harmful micro-singularities continued of course, as well as looting everything that wasn't nailed down. The greenhouses were also restored, and they will eventually have a fairly steady internal supply of food to supplement the stores too. Nice things. Maybe they'll have fruit in like six months.

But the majority of the work is bureaucratic, rearranging work schedules, optimising deployments, and – basically it's a bunch of crap no one but Ritsuka and Roman really have to care about. And that's good. The fewer people involved, the fewer fuckups should happen. Ideally. Not to mention that literally no one but Ritsuka and Roman have a head for this sort of nonsense. Must be the R&R connection.

Anyways. Summoning.

"What _about_ Riders?" His sister asks quizzically. "I think Marie's doing a _fine_ job."

"I mean I agree, but... You have to admit, she's not the best in combat. And I'd rather send someone else besides her if we ever need a Rider."

Kana gasps. "Are you, perchance... _sexist?"_ Ritsuka tries to grab her nose but she blocks it. "Alright, point taken. Seriously though, she's fine."

"She's fine but... I get the feeling she doesn't really want to fight all that much. And that's fine, she can be a backliner." Ritsuka shrugs at that. "Reserve Servants are always good, for smaller fights and other things. Honestly I'm not too concerned if most of our roster doesn't fight as long as we can keep dealing with Singularities and resolve Grand Order. But for that we need beefier Riders. Or a beefier Servant in general. If there are any Lancers with chariots, I'm all ears."

Kana shrugs. "I mean we can't roll specific Servants anyways, so let's just hope and see."

"...Right," he nods. The summoning chambers are right before them, sealed behind a reinforced door."Five me, five you?"

"As usual!"

They step in, and return to the old routine. Ritsuka draws three sets of Black Keys, an Azoth Blade, and one black and white jacket. _Utterly useless._

Kana doesn't fare much better, either. One black sleeve – and _only_ a sleeve – plus a red sleeve – again, _just_ the sleeve – and two red scepters tipped with a large ruby. It's... not a great day for either of them. Man.

"...I blame you, by the way," Ritsuka mutters bitterly. "You sucked out all the luck. Now _nobody_ get s shit."

Kana holds up the black sleeve in her hands, peering at it through structural analysis. "I'm, uh... Pretty sure this is a high level Craft Essence."

"...Oh _fuck you._ " Ritsuka holds up a red-tinted Black Key. "This is _all I get_."

"And I still have one roll!" Kana says cheerfully. She shows off the four quartz held between her fingers and giggles merrily. "Watch, Rits: It's going to be the money shot!"

"Please don't say that."

She tosses them carelessly into the summoning ring. Three prismatic rings expand out and a golden pillar of light shoots into the ceiling.

"OH COME ON!"

"There there, Rits. You'll get it someday."

"It's rigged! Summons are are RIGGED!"

Kana frowns. "...Actually, as the light pillar ever been gold before?"

The light dies. Standing before them is a man with golden hair, clad in golden armor. His features are perfectly formed, the very peak of masculine beauty. His red eyes are hard and contemptuous, and his lips twist into a cruel smirk.

"Fuhahahahaha!" He laughs, his voice sharp like a rain of swords. "Summoning me has cost you _all_ your luck, mongrels!"

Ritsuka looks at the man in gold, as does Kana. There are no words. There are no reactions.

Kana, lucksack that she is, has successfully called upon the _strongest Heroic Spirit_. Gilgamesh of Uruk. Victor of the Fourth Holy Grail War. Near-victor of the Fifth. Owner of just about every legendary armament and relic in existence, or at least the platonic ideal of one. And also kind of possibly just a bit of a _total asshole._

Gilgamesh opens his eyes, frowning. "So? What are you Mongrels waiting for? Kneel, and I will grant you the opportunity to serve."

"Fuck you," Kana says outright at him. "My dad kicked your ass. I'm not scared of you. So are you going to help save humanity or will you fuck off?"

Ritsuka snaps to her quick enough he nearly twists his neck off. He wants to yell at her to not be a fucking idiot, but it's too late now. The idiocy has actualised.

Gilgamesh looks at her. Really, _really_ looks at her. Veins popping along his temples, brow creased, his red eyes furious. For an instant, Ritsuka feared for his life. The fury of the King of Heroes is not something to be understated. He prepares a Command Seal, reaching out for the one Servant he can rely here-

And then suddenly Gilgamesh rears back, fury abated. Instead, his frown turns into a mad smile as he starts laughing hysterically at the sky.

" _AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_ You are _his_ children? _THEIR CHILDREN?!_ Audacious! _Hilarious! I have not known such merriment in ages!"_ He looks back down, pointing at Kana. The girl, idiot she is, doesn't even flinch. "You, I like." Gilgamesh turns to Ritsuka, the boy jumping in his skin. "You... Beware."

"...Beware wha-" is all he manages, before Gilgamesh grabs him in a bear hug and throws him back in a suplex.

* * *

 _In 2026,_ _humanity was incinerated by a great threat_

 _ **BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN MONGRELS MAKE UP THE MAJORITY OF YOUR POPULATION**_

 _ **I PERSONALLY DON'T CARE THAT THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE AROUND ANYMORE**_

 _ **BUT WHEN THEY'RE DOING**_ _ **ACTUALLY NOTHING**_ _ **THEN WE HAVE PROBLEMS**_

 _ **WELL NOW I'M GOING TO SAVE THEIR SORRY BUTTS WITH LITERALLY THE ONLY HUMANS LEFT THAT MATTER**_

 _ **YOU ARE FUCKING WELCOME, HUMANITY**_

 _...Such is what happens when you need to be saved by the King of Heroes_

 _Welcome, to:_

 _ **FATE/SUNNY ORDER**_

* * *

The doors all but fly open as Archer charges in, his twin chinese blades projected. "Ritsuka! Kana! I felt a disturbance in the-" His eyes narrow. _"You."_

"Yes," Gilgamesh cackles, his face obscured by Ritsuka's. _"Me._ How lives, _Faker?"_

Archer inhales sharply. He dismisses both Kanshou and Bakuya. He always feared this day would come. The Counter Guardian holds out one hand at the King of Heroes. **"I am the bone of my Sword."**

"It's fine, father," Ritsuka says, his voice flat and dead. The expression on his face betrays no fear, no tolerance, and no fucks left to give. If he was ever afraid of the King of Heroes, that feeling has since been replaced by, if not apoplectic fury, then apoplectic irritation. If that could be a thing.

It should be a thing.

"Ho?" Gilgamesh says, mockingly-impressed. "You're still conscious? Impressive! You might qualify as a slave to one of my footsoldiers!"

Ritsuka pinches the bridge of his nose and exhales. "Yeah, see, King of Heroes, Gilgamesh of Uruk? I'm-"

"-Ritsuka Tohsaka, I am well aware. The eyes of a King see much. And you seem to be the pillar Chaldea relies on, including your sister Kana over there." Gilgamesh grunts contemptuously. "What does it matter? Why do _you_ lead? Why would _I_ care? I am King; all things are mine, all people, mine. You are only a subject to lord over, not even someone I would _care_ to listen to."

"-Not going to talk about that," Ritsuka continues smoothly. "But I feel like I should tell you this, before you make a fool of yourself to everyone else."

"Hoh? And what would that be?"

In an instant, like the crack of a gunshot, Ritsuka flares all his circuits with mana. The hammer strikes the shield, and he fills with _energy._ He throws his lower body up and out, sending the King of Heroes flying. Gilgamesh lands on his feet with ease, arms folded, but Ritsuka has already twirled onto his feet, taking up a fighting stance.

"Fairly impressive, for a mongrel," the King of Uruk nods. "Well then, come. Show me what you can do, so I may strike you down at your best."

Here it comes, the moment to save him. Archer braces-

"Your armor is tacky as _fuck_ ," Ritsuka scowls. "You look like you're wearing a golden tea kettle someone cut in half and then stuck onto a fucking _bowl._ "

Archer can't help but wonder if the gigantic brass balls on this kid have some sort of reflection in the Gate of Babylon, because _holy shit that was bold._

Gilgamesh looks at him. His arms are still folded, his lips still curled into a frown. Slowly, it curls into an impressed smile, and he fans open his arms. "You know... I agree. You pass."

Ritsuka blinks. "Wait, what?"

" **AUO: CAST OFF!"**

"Wait _what-_ "

There is a bright, blinding light. And then there is Gilgamesh, in his full glory.

"There," the King of Heroes boasts. " _Much_ better! Fine advice, from a mongrel! I might have to reassess your worth!"

Archer runs, covering Kana's eyes. "Dear _god_ , King of Heroes, there is a _girl_ here."

"No, it's cool," Kana says. Even with her eyes covered, she gives a thumbs up. "This is fine. I'm okay with this. There is nothing wrong with the events that are currently unfolding before me."

Archer looks ruefully at Ritsuka. He shrugs. "I've got nothing," Ritsuka says. "You can try, if you like."

EMIYA frowns. He says nothing. This is a strange turn of events. Since when did the King of Heroes stripping down to his birthday suit become the best course of events that could have possibly happened? Eye of the Mind does not report anything. As always, it is useless when there isn't a fight going on.

"Well then, Masters of Chaldea," the King of Heroes says haughtily, "As subjects in my favor, you may show me the premises."

"Can Archer come?" Kana asks. "I'm like, ninety percent sure he's going to come along anyways, so this will be easier."

"Hmph," Gilgamesh grunts. He grins. "Very well! I shall allow the Faker to come! Show me this lighthouse in the sea of chaos, Masters!"

He marches on, out of the Summoning Chambers. With a sigh EMIYA finally stops covering Kana's eyes. She rubs them, blinks, and blinks some more.

"...Wait," Kana says, "Did Gilgamesh just call us Master?"

"I can't even care enough to be happy right now," Ritsuka sighs. He rolls his eyes. "Come _on_ , before my workload grows exponentially _again._ "

* * *

Herakles looks up suddenly, eyes empathetically frowned as he seems to peer through the wall. The sound of pouring water diverts his attention back down, as Medea slides a cup of piping hot tea towards him with a wave of magic.

"Please do not charge through the walls, Herakles," Caster says carefully, making small, measured movements as she goes through the steps and pours a cup for herself. It took a lot of work, promises, and time to convince Ritsuka to grant her a proper space for her Temple again, on the condition that she won't wreck anything or kidnap anyone anymore; she won't have a mad beast ruin it for her. Even if it's Herakles.

Even if she can't meaningfully stop him.

Atalanta sighs as she sets her tea down, cat ears twitching. "This is peaceful, isn't it? An Argonaut reunion, in Greece."

"I suppose," Medea says. She looks out at the shore, the shores of long lost Colchis, the homeland she abandoned to be with Jason. With others to spend time with, she has assigned parts of her Temple to emulating the lands of old Greece, in the Age of Gods. This is only a facsimile of her homeland, however; memories are blurred and details have been lost, and the density of magic is nothing like it was back then. But the smell, the breeze, the sea... It's better than nothing.

Perhaps it would be nice to visit Greece, when this Grand Order is concluded. But if it is impossible, she won't care. After all, she came here to answer a call to save mankind, not fulfill her wish.

Atalanta shifts on her cushion, the cloth rustling under her weight. Herakles looks on at his tea, still as the mountains he now resembles. Medea looks at her guests and then at the ocean around them, sighing. It is nice to be around those she knows, without the pressure of a wish to make them kill each other. But Medea just remembered something important: They don't have much to talk about.

Herakles is a Berserker, and not one for conversation besides. And she and Atalanta don't really have much else to discuss besides food and nostalgia. She healed Atalanta at Jason's behest, not out of any compassion. The small friendship they struck up afterwards was merely because they were the only women aboard a ship with fifty one crew. She is a princess, and Atalanta is a huntress; they have nothing in common.

So in short, her proposed Argo Reunion has become extremely awkward in a very short amount of time. It's not even enjoying each other's company on the beaches of Colchis; this is just a very elaborate box. All of them can tell the difference.

If Medea hears another wave she is going to _scream._

"You know, 'Dea," Atalanta says suddenly. She is looking out at the sea, leaning against one arm propped against the table, munching on some rice crackers Medea poofed into existence as simple fare. "Remember Lynceus?"

Medea rolls her eyes. She did; what a troublesome ability. "Of course. If not for my magic, he would have been an absolute _menace._ He was a creepy fellow, too; more so than an entire boat of men who would go to sea for months without seeing another woman."

Atalanta and Medea both glance surreptitiously at Herakles. The Berserker is looking intently at his cup of tea, as if it is the only thing in the world. Well, at least that's convenient. He is always easily amused.

"I'm sure Herk doesn't count," Atalanta says hopefully. "He has Omphale! And his... thirteenth labour... A-And he's never shown interest anyways."

"He really didn't talk," Medea sighs. At first she was in awe of the great Herakles – honored Herakles, who triumphed over twelve labours, the greatest son of Zeus – but frankly she never got to know him. And then... well no he's still held in awe. She's just bitter enough to not care anymore. Not least when he's looking at a cup of tea intently like a giant idiot.

...That's probably Mad Enhancement, though. Herakles was quite sharp when he _did_ do things.

Suddenly, a sly smile creep onto Medea's face. She turns to Atalanta, the Huntress catching her expression with a worried frown. "Don't you dare," Atalanta warns.

"I'm sure Lynceus would intently look at you if he were here," Medea says.

Atalanta scoffs. "As if. Lynceus didn't like lions."

"Aw, I'm sorry..." Medea leans forward and pats Atalanta on the head.

"Stop."

"No."

Atalanta groans and shakes her head, but Medea does not give up. She keeps patting her, until all resistance melts away. Atalanta puts her head on the table and surrenders to it.

Good kitty.

Unknown to the other two greeks in the room, Herakles looks up from his tea and at the wall again.

* * *

"Ah..." Arturia sighs peacefully, a cup of warm green tea in her hands. Her hair hangs loose down to her shoulders, and she feels so relaxed that she could just melt into the bench – even if it would be unbecoming of her. "...Yes, this is good."

Twenty two years of life with Shirou and Rin have taught Saber to relax and take life as it comes, and one of these ways has always been to have tea after a hot shower to let your hair dry fully, before going about your business. Indeed, she's gained a great appreciation for tea since. And Britain agrees, considering what the favored drink of the UK is.

It was a good idea to put benches in the hallways, as well. Just nice places for anyone, Servant or Staff, to sit down and rest for a bit in between hectic battle and strenuous preparation. If just for a minutes at a time, it is also good to relax. Breaks are necessary to operate at one hundred percent, even for Servants.

And her break ends as she finds Ritsuka and Kana, following behind a blonde man with red eyes she hoped never to see again. Her blood boils at the mere _sight_ of his golden spun hair and his deep red eyes and his devilishly handsome features and his... Wait. Is he _naked?_

"Yo, Saber," Gilgamesh greets, grinning smugly. "Fate has conspired to reunite us under such auspices." He walks up to her, one leg on the bench as he looks her eye to eye, right in her face. "What about it? Will you be mine?"

Saber glares at him. "I'm not interested in being your belonging. Now leave me, my tea is getting cold."

Gilgamesh laughs, standing fully upright. "Hah! Good, good! It is that defiance that makes you beautiful! Resist me, I can still admire from afar!"

Arturia frowns. This is not the Archer she remembers. He is more... amiable, than she remembers. The Gilgamesh from the War would have summoned the Gate and threatened her by this point. She glances at Ritsuka and Kana, the boy she raised shrugging and the girl she taught caught somewhere between appreciation and terror.

This is probably their doing. Or perhaps a reflection of the era he is summoned into. Taking that into consideration... Gilgamesh is likely as nice and personable as he can get, being summoned into a time where humans are few, the task they undertake is incredible, and every single person is both necessary and irreplaceable.

And he is _still_ frustrating, condescending, and narcissistic. She weeps for the old realm of Uruk, for having one as him to be King.

She exhales sharply and drinks more tea. Ah, yes. There is the peace she learns for, at the bottom of a wooden teacup. Arturia sighs peacefully again before looking angrily at Gilgamesh. "If you don't mind, King of Heroes, I am having an after-shower break. It would be appreciated if you did not interrupt me." She glances down briefly and raises an eyebrow surreptitiously. "And if you would wear something, that would be good as well."

"Ho?" Damnable goldie, the gigantic raging asshole, seems to thrust at her face. "What about it, Saber? Does it not _enrapture_ you?"

Arturia looks flatly at it, eyes half-lidded. She bites her lips. "I've had better," she says matter-of-factly. "Merlin, for all his faults, was quite an artist."

Long, cold seconds pass in total silence. It is bliss.

Kana breaks it, but she forgives her. "Do you mean-"

"The one I had, yes," Arturia nods. She takes another sip of tea. Ah, heaven. "A king must fulfill their obligations. That includes bearing an heir."

Gilgamesh takes his leg down from the bench. He looks at Arturia. She looks back at him. His face is flat, even, and devoid of emotion. _Heaven._ "What is _wrong_ with modern court wizards," he mutters under his breath. The King of Heroes nods tersely at her. "A good day to you, Saber."

He never said that before. This is _definitely_ King Gilgamesh in his most amiable aspect. "And to you, Archer."

He walks on past her, followed after by Ritsuka and Kana, both looking at her in awe. She nods at them and wordlessly cheers them on. That Gilgamesh is this personable and polite at all can only mean the two of them have impressed the King. And that is no small feat indeed.

Silence returns to Arturia's patch of hallway, and she sighs peacefully.

Ah, to live is to burn sickly.

* * *

Life has been busy for one Cu Chulainn. As it turns out, when you have a powerful, highly efficient anti-unit Noble Phantasm that is _also_ anti-army in a pinch, plus all the awesome that comes with being as glorious as he is, you become a natural for taking on entire micro-singularities on your own, giving the others a break. It's actually kind of amazing how many of Ritsuka's deployment plans eventually degenerated into 'throw Lancer at the problem'. And when you love fighting, there's really no reason _not_ to murder armies on your own. That's just kind of expected at this point.

But it also means some developments at home catch you off-guard. Like, say.

Fuckmothering Gilgamesh, King of Assholes.

 _Naked._

That's _his_ thing what the _fuck._

"Ho?" The King finally takes notice of him. He puts his hands on his waist and cocks his hips. "What a surprise, mongrel. You're actually using your legs." He calls upon the Gate, one portal open with a golden toy hammer sticking partways out. "Here, fetch."

"Man, and I was just enjoying myself," Cu smirks. He calls upon Gae Bolg and points it at Gilgamesh. "Damn, Master, you just know how to push _all_ my buttons."

"This isn't my fault I swear," Kana babbles, a far cry from her usual unflappable, enthusiastic self. She's vibrating in her shoes now, clearly anticipating and fearing what will come at the same time. It seems that past all the vigour and fire, his Master is still a girl. _Interesting._

"Fuhahaha!" Gilgamesh laughs. "Our Master is intimidated by the mettle of a King!" His smile turns sinister as he sneers at Lancer. "Your move, _mongrel._ "

Cu breathes sharply. Goldie wishes to challenge him. Well, he has the perfect response.

Cu grabs his shoulder pauldron with his free hand and rips his bodysuit off. Something like nails on a chalkboard screeches near them. Kana curls up into a ball and covers her fully-red face with her legs, while Ritsuka stands over her with his ears covered and his face dead.

"Why this," his male Master whispers.

"Yes, good!" Gilgamesh laughs. "Man to man, with nothing to be shameful of! THIS is how contests ought to be!" He dismisses his portal and spreads his arms wide, taking up a wrestling stance. "Now COME, hound! We shall settle our enmity as MEN do!"

So _that's_ what he's about. This isn't the shiny asshole he had to deal with in that castle. This one's _fun._ "You son of a bitch," Cu grins, and tosses Gae Bolg aside. "Now you've done it! FIGHT ME!"

He kicks forward with godspeed, swinging up at the King's chin from below. Gilgamesh dodges and slams his head against Cu's. Thunder claps. The wind blows all things aside. The King grabs him by the wrists and draws him into a lock. Laughing, the Hound of Chulainn slips through his bear hug right as he is drawn in and kicks Gilgamesh in the chest.

The battle of men commences, bare as the day they were born, before their Masters' very eyes. Kana whimpers, for she is weak. Ritsuka strokes her head reassuringly, as a big brother does. Even though they are twins.

"At least they aren't killing each other," he says hopefully.

* * *

Today, Ritsuka Tohsaka learned something. Well, actually he learned a lot of things. Like how the King of Heroes is actually an irresponsible fratboy, that Cu is easily baited by naked wrestling, and that his sister still isn't over her personal hang-ups about things like nudity and anything vaguely lewd. Sure she talks a big game, but _man_ when it comes to the actual thing, or anything that resembles it, she just falls over and tries to pretend she doesn't exist. Dumb idiot would be lost without him.

Oh, but the most important thing he learned was more something he remembered:

 _King Gilgamesh was a brawler in his Epic._

"Hah, good fight, Archer! " Lancer, for his part, does not seem especially put out that he is currently being grappled so hard Ritsuka doesn't even know how Gilgamesh could let him go. He's not worked up over it, as he usually isn't about anything. What a guy. "I give, I give! You might be worth drinking with now!"

There is rumbling in the ground, in the walls, in the distance. Ritsuka isn't sure if anyone is still on deployment right now.

"Hmph, you might have some mettle yourself, hound," the King sneers, but it is less venomous than before. Maybe even respectful. He releases Cu and they both roll away onto their feet. "You might not be _completely_ worthless in this war against Incineration."

The rumbling is louder now. Ritsuka swears he's not imagining things. Kana is still on the ground, trying to get the imagery out of her head. She's useless for confirmation right now.

"Ho?" Cu smiles wolfishly. "You're _complimenting_ me now, Gold Archer?"

Before Gilgamesh can explain himself, the wall nearest to him comes apart. A gigantic obsidian arm, thick like a tree trunk, rips through the stone like paper and slings Gilgamesh in the neck. The King of Heroes, clotheslined through a wall, is ripped through the concrete to the sound of distant beastial roaring.

It doesn't even shock him with suddenness. Ritsuka closes his eyes irritably as the dust settles. When he opens his eyes again, Cu is once again in his skintight bodysuit, arms folded and frowning slightly. "Archer went that way," he says, pointing with his thumb. It seems that neither of the men present care very much about what just happened.

Still, he should check on them. Just to make sure no one dies. Or is further scandalised by male nudity. Ugh. "Lancer, watch her for me. And keep your pants on, god."

Lancer does a small bow and smiles. "As you command, Master."

Ritsuka turns around, steps through the blown open wall, and follows the trail of carnage at a brisk jog. No need to be urgent; both of them could probably use the workout.

* * *

Ritsuka reaches the end of the trail of destruction a few minutes later, thoroughly enjoying the break – besides the destruction he's going to have to send someone to fix later – and finds Gilgamesh locked in a grapple with the great Herakles. Though stronger and faster than Gilgamesh, the smaller man retains his mind, and successfully holds his own with technique and mathematical principles. So in essence it's a stalemate and no one is going to win.

He does notice Mashu on the far side, though, looking at the duel, covering her eyes but peeking through her fingers at the same time. Her face is fully red again, but again what is new?

"Hey, Mashu." Her eyes dart to him as he walks over, taking a large berth around the duelling ground, and stands next to her. She tries to form words but nothing coherent comes out. "Have they been here long?"

"N-Not really." Mashu turns away and takes a deep breath, hands on her chest. Is that some sort of ritual. "It's only been a few minutes, senpai. I was going to talk to some of the regular staff... but the room's occupied."

"Right." He looks around, at the rubble and ruin. It's a shame. But so that's what Mashu does besides help run errands and train for combat.

...Thinking about it, he just realised that he hasn't had a serious talk with Mashu since... actually they barely had a serious talk in Rome, too. There is just no _time._ It's been work or life or death combat, with very few lull time in between. And he spends his breaktime sleeping or just not being around her. The only time they meet is in the morning, when she hands him coffee with a smile. Which is always a highlight of his day.

Meeting her at all is the highlight of his day, actually. It's a shame that he can't ask her out, because neither of them can commit to a relationship right now, and she deserves better.

...Also, he needs, uh. Time. To prepare himself. In case he's rejected again. If it happens again without prior warning he might do something foolish.

"So you've been watching them this entire time?"

Mashu nods. "Yes. In case they go anywhere and cause more damage."

It occurs to Ritsuka that Mashu Kyrielight might just be one of the best liars he knows. "Thank you," he says. "Yeah I think this is enough. Break it up, Herakles, Gilgamesh."

Berserker growls, refusing to let go. He tries kicking at Gil's knees to break his stance and continually changes the angle of his pushes to force the King down, but the King of Heroes counters every attack. He laughs loudly. "Why would I?" Gilgamesh shouts. "This is a good day! A true challenge in the pit, between MEN!"

Ritsuka sighs. Welp, time to try a different tack. "Okay, then why is Herakles trying to kill you?"

"I blinded his Master and ripped out her heart in the Fifth War," Gilgamesh calmly explains. "It was necessary at the time. There was no joy to gain in the act, but it had to be done. I needed the Lesser Grail, and she was uncooperative." Berserker roars in his face, spittle flying. He smirks. "Her Servant, too. Still intent on surpassing your legend, Herakles?"

He frowns. Ritsuka knows Gilgamesh tried to drown the world in the tainted Grail's mud in the fifth war. His mother mentioned it, when he finally asked her a few years ago. He needed the lesser grail, but took the heart of a Master? It had to be the Einzbern representative. And he knew the Representative was just a little girl. "Who was Herakles' Master?"

"Just some doll; it no longer matters. That was a lifetime ago." Gilgamesh frowns, thinking back on the time. Golden portals appear above and around Herakles and bind a divine chain around his neck and limbs, allowing the King of Heroes to step away. Another golden portal laps over Gilgamesh's lower body, cladding him in his lower armor. "I tire of this challenge. Where next, Master?"

"The CIC," Ritsuka says calmly. His hypothesis is correct. He does regret it, at least in this life. That is good. He would rather not spend Command Seals. He looks over at Herakles, struggling at his binds. "Herk, if you promise not to murder Gilgamesh, he'll let go."

Herakles roars again. Ritsuka looks at Gilgamesh. "He wants an apology," Ritsuka explains.

"Ho?" The Archer smirks. "You speak with the mad? Well, I suppose it is a useful skill." He turns to Berserker, arms folded. "That conflict was an age ago, Son of Zeus. I will let bygones be bygones – if you accept."

"I said _he_ wants an apology." Ritsuka hisses.

"And I apologise for killing the doll," Gilgamesh adds, like an afterthought.

Herakles grunts. He legs his arms and legs go slack. The holy chain returns to the Gate and the Berserker is deposited on the ground. Quiet and stoic, Herakles heads off, arms hanging limply from his sides. Ritsuka feels sympathy for the giant, but he must admit; it is a good thing Berserker broke his axe in Rome. Who knows what could have happened here, if he had a weapon?

"Let us go, Master," Gilgamesh says, the haughtiness in his voice subdued now. "This place now irks me. I wish to be rid of it."

Ritsuka nods. He turns to Mashu. "Do you want to come with? I'm sure Da Vinci and Roman have something for you to do as well."

Mashu nods. "Sure, senpai!"

* * *

Waver Velvet did not think very often about how two of his students have snuck their way into an organisation their parents certainly did not want them to join, or how they are now mankind's only hope. Ritsuka and Kana Tohsaka were both impressive mages – Ritsuka already a Fes despite his young age, and Kana a Cause despite her flights of fancy – and would only become more impressive as they got older. They did not need further thought, beyond the support he could provide as both Lord El Melloi II and as Zhuge Liang.

But he always liked Ritsuka better. Kana reminded him all too much of her mother during her more intolerable phases – manic, irrepressable energy. That her mother was more flustered and irritable while Kana was simply a cheeky troublemaker did not matter. She was troublesome. Ritsuka, meanwhile, was more formal, more dutiful, and straight up the better student.

It's a pity that he has to curse his name right now. Because right as he was about to leave the CIC to tend to his own workshop, meager as it is, the doors open and he is face to face with a man that strikes primal terror into his heart.

"I see the retainer of the King of Conquerors is here," Gilgamesh sneers. He raises one eyebrow. "And as a Pseudo-Servant? How interesting. How grand. I distinctly remember telling you to live for him, boy."

Mashu gasps. "Professor, you are acquainted with King Gilgamesh?"

"Acquaintence would be a bit much," Ritsuka quickly deflects.

Waver looks evenly at the King of Heroes, but internally he is screaming the song that will end the world. Curse that boy, and the girl too, for summoning _this_ man. "If I am to live for my king, I have to survive the incineration of man. This is the best way to do so, a support who works from the rear."

Gilgamesh nods at that. "Acceptable." Waver thinks a sigh of relief, but his face remains unreadable.

Leonardo hops over from the side room, the mechanical eagle on her shoulder warking. "Oh! A new Servant! And it's... King _Gilgamesh!"_ The Inventor gasps and goes up to him. "My goodness, I didn't expect to meet him so soon!"

"And you must be Leonardo Da Vinci," the King of Heroes responds. His arms still folded, the king still manages a slight smirk. "Hmph. Were it that men at large were as brilliant as you, we would have reached the stars by now."

Leonardo chuckles. "Oh _stop,_ that's impossible! I'm a genius, after all, it's only natural that I stand head and shoulders above other people!"

"Indeed," Gilgamesh nods. He looks to another door. "And there is another."

The door opens, Roman stepping out with a cup of coffee in hand, a sleepy Fou on his head. "What is it? Did something ha—oh." He steps fully into the doorframe, his coat lightly stained with brown specks. "You called the King of Heroes."

Gilgamesh just looks at him, a light frown set in his brow. He looks away quickly, not bothering to address him. Waver thinks he saw a slight nod beforehand. But it doesn't matter.

"Yeah," Ritsuka nods. "Fortunately he's not going to kill everyone. No tainted Grail to exploit."

Leonardo puts a finger on her cheek. "Well I _wonder~"_

"Da Vinci please."

"Rude," Gilgamesh scoffs. "Drowning the world in mud would not have caused the extinction of mankind. I _am_ privy to the existence of the Counter Force. It would have culled the helpless and ensured the worthy remained, and under my rule we would have reached for the stars." He nods, eyes closed, and everyone looks on with concern. He opens one eye. "That said, I have no plans of doing such even after the Grand Order. Mankind is so worthless I cannot be _bothered_ to enact such a cull myself. You lot will manage yourselves. Find the stars or die trying, it matters not."

Leonardo laughs. "Well, naturally!"

"...Leo..." Mashu mutters.

"Why are you agreeing with him," Ritsuka asks.

Roman smiles kindly. "Well then, as Director of Chaldea, King Gilgamesh, I welcome you to Chaldea! I hope the facilities are to your liking!"

"Hmph," the King scoffs. "You pass. I suppose I will lend a few swords to the effort, after all."

That, Waver thinks, is probably good enough.

 **\- End Chapter Nine -**

"By the way Master... beware."

"Beware wha— _ohgod,"_ Ritsuka gasps, as he is bearhugged and suplexed by a half-naked Demigod once more.


	10. Chapter 10

"Alright," Okita sighs, shaking her head. "Master, I know you're trying, but you'll never be any good like this."

In the middle of a sparring mat scarred by many cuts and craters, Kana tries to push herself off the ground. But her arms are burning and she has no strength, so all she manages is to lift her face from the the ground. That's probably not a good sign. She hasn't been this spent since the time she joined dad on that one strike mission. "Ow..." Is all she manages. This round of sparring has not been particularly productive. Like, at all.

...Actually, thinking on it, sparring with Okita has not been particularly productive, either.

"Well, it can't be helped!" Nobunaga laughs. She's seated on a bench against the wall, legs and arms crossed, wearing a t-shirt and shorts and her (actually very nice looking) stupid hat. "Master, it's confirmed: you're weaker than a zombie with tubercolosis!"

"Nobu I told you I'm not a zombie!"

"You're undead, aren't you?" Nobu smugs.

"T-THEN SO ARE YOU!" Okita protests. "AND WE'RE MORE LIKE GHOSTS!"

"No, I disagree!" Nobu looks up to the ceiling, grinning wolfishly. "I don't have tubercolosis, and I'm no ghost! I am the DEMON OF THE SIXTH HEAVEN! WHO IS ALSO A KING!"

Okita sighs and clutches her head. "Ugh, I think I'm about to have a headache."

"Oh, careful Master! You'll get stained red again!"

"SHUT UP NOBU!"

"Fuhahahahahahahahaha NEVER!"

Kana finally gets enough strength back in her hips to roll onto her back, and she finally has the room to actually breathe. _God_ , fighting with all your circuits on fire is agony. Like, okay, fine, she needs it to keep up with Servants. She suspects that with all of them going, she should be able to keep up with Agility B Servants for about three, four minutes, maybe hit at Strength C with _Asriel_. But problem with that is that she's still squishy as _fuck_.

Also Okita is an awful teacher but that's – actually no that's precisely the point, the only way she's going to make up for comparatively shitty base stats is with skill and _goddamn all the skilled people in Chaldea cannot teach to save their life._

"Howwwww..." Kana gasps, lungs aching too much to say much more. Okita laughs nervously while Nobu continues cackling like a hyena.

"Ehe... Sorry, Master, I'm not sure how to put it into words?" The First Captain of the Shinsengumi looks awkwardly off to the side. "I mean, it's like a _whoosh_ and a _clang_ and a _yaaa_ and then _gwaaaa_ and then _HAAAAAA_ and then _BANG_ and then I win! Yay, great victory!" Okita briefly gets caught up in her own explanation and cheers. She quickly returns to earth with a blush. "A-And that's about it, I think?! I-I mean, I don't know?! I just shout SANDANZUKI a lot and I win?!"

"NP spamming is for plebs, bruh," Nobu says with a smirk. "Everyone knows the real damage comes from the buster crits at the end of an NPBB chain!"

"Hey oi don't mention that yet, that's a bit too meta don't you think?"

With her breath back, Kana activates a circuit or two and forces energy into herself. She sits upright, not panting nearly as hard. "The _fuck_ are you two on about?" She asks.

"Don't think too hard about it," Nobu says casually. "At the end of the day, it's only a game!"

"Nobu you're making it worse. Please stop."

Kana sighs harshly and falls back onto her back. "Swords are haaaaaaaard..."

"They're not, though?" Okita asks quizzically.

"That's because you're an idiot," Nobu retorts reflexively.

"No YOU-"

As the two start bickering up a storm, Kana looks up at the ceiling with a disgruntled expression. So this is how today begins, huh?

* * *

 _Humanity died in 2026, burned to ashes by time fire_

 _Chaldea seeks to undo the time fire by setting the time fire itself on fire_

 _To do that it must first resolve the snarls in history, one at a time_

 _Ideally using Servants to do so, because no one else can manipulate time fire_

 _It's like, really hot_

 _And atemporal, it might burn you retroactively or something_

 _Anyways this is Kana's chapter_

 _It's about time, this is supposed to be..._

 _ **FATE/SUNNY ORDER**_

* * *

"Why do you try so hard anyways, Master?" Okita asks. "I mean, I'm always happy to test my blade! But don't you have better things to do? You're a Magus, right?"

Kana, halfway through hooking on the belts on her uniform, gives Okita an odd look. "Magus? I mean... I _guess_. Mom's a Magus, Rits is a Magus... It's sort of a mindset sort of thing, though. Magi seek out the Root. I'm not interested. I'm closer to a Spellcaster or something, Magecraft is just a tool." She looks away shyly. "I'm not much of a mage either, so honestly not sure if I even qualify as _that._ "

"Ho?" Nobunaga asks. "Master, being down on herself? That won't do! Come, come, tell me what's the problem!"

"Nobu, relax!" Okita hisses. "It's a private matter so don't just bring it out into the open!"

"These things are like a bandaid, it can't be helped!"

Kana chuckles and adjusts her uniform. Mystic code: set. All's good. "My Element's Sword. Same as my dad's. Seems cool, right?"

"Yeah," Okita nods astutely. "You can cast sword magic, make them sharper, stronger, swordier... Mmhm, it's a good element, Master!"

"Yeah, see, I can't actually do any of that. My Element is unusual, and doesn't align with any of the five classic elements. So I can't use the majority of spells in existence."

"Oh," Okita says flatly.

"Ask Caster or something," Nobunaga suggests. "I'm sure she can magic something together to give you magic."

"That would be a mystic code. It won't be my own abilities, it won't be something unique to me, and it's probably going to take a lot of humiliation." Kana scowls at the mere thought. God, just thinking about being in _that_ dress makes her want to puke. "I'll pass."

Her pink Saber brightens up. "Oh, Master, why don't you learn from your dad? He's figured it out, right? And you have the same element!"

"Yeah, I tried that too." Kana sighs and shakes her head. "Can't work. Dad's magecraft is fully unique and relies on his unique abilities that I did not inherit. And dad's not a good mage either, so I'd just be learning all the wrong lessons. Mom taught me some basic magecraft, and I have the same Magic Circuits, so I can utilise the family gemstone magecraft a bit... Buuuut Rits is way better at it because he's got an Element that is actually _worth something._ " She sighs harshly and folds her arms. "And mom can't teach me the same magecraft he uses, because as stated _I can't use the classic elements._ So on that front, I'm _fucked_."

Nobu shrugs unsympathetically. "Jeez, Master, then the answer is simple! Forge your own path upon a mound of corpses, and seize your destiny! That's obvious!"

Okita glares at the Archer but says nothing. "Or you could try forging your own path, right?" She suggests hopefully. "Maybe you could sword? Oh! Or you could be a doctor!"

"Can't fix your TB, bloodbag. That's crystalised as your legend. It can't be helped~"

"SHUT UP NOBU NOT NOW!"

"I try," Kana says wearily. "I really do. I do swords, right? So I figured, if my element was crap for magic, maybe I can do sword things for real. King Arthur's my godma, I could figure it out! And I also learned some bajiquan from my mom, for unarmed combat stuff. I figured I could do both, maybe even unify them and make something only I can use!"

She sighs as Okita and Nobu look on hopefully and shrugs. "Didn't work. I lost interest. So I moved on to other stuff. Sciences, medicine, exploring, hiking, archery, just... Literally anything and everything I could do."

"Little bit of everything?" Nobu asks with a frown. "Jeez, Master, you can't just dabble and expect to be good at something. Gotta put in the work! Or be a genius, y'know, that also works. Like me!"

"Stop stabotaging your point, jeez," Okita grumbles.

"I mean I was?" Kana says. "I'm in a family full of geniuses. Mom's a magical prodigy and just straight up _smart_ , Rits is _also_ a magical prodigy, and dad's a freak who can read the history of any sword at a glance, replicate even _legendary blades_ with little effort, and despite being a lawyer running his own firm finds the time to _assassinate terrorists on a regular basis._ And, of course," she adds, rolling her eyes, " _King Arthur is my godmother._ "

"Still surprised King Arthur is a girl," Nobu says glumly.

"I swear I've _seen_ her somewhere," Okita mumbles significantly.

"I'm a normie in a household full of geniuses. I dabble to find the one thing I'm good at, so I can say I'm a genius too." She sighs and shakes her head. "Got nuthin'. I've got a skillset wide as an ocean and deep as a puddle. Well, except swords and kung fu, but that's only because I've had it literally beaten into me. Plus basic magecraft like reinforcement, and I can do a bit of Gandr and Projection – except Projection is useless unless you fill the exceptional circumstances of _being my dad._ "

Nobu looks at her Master. Okita looks at the ceiling. They must be shocked. Most people are when Kana mentions her frustrations. It's like everyone expects her to be a happy-go-lucky jokester without a care in the world _all_ the time. But problem is, she's not. She'd _like_ to be. But that is probably not for a while.

"...It's another part of why I wanted to come to Chaldea," Kana says. "Besides the 'save the world also see history' part. I wanted to be a Master. Prove I could be the best damn Master ever. Better than anyone else who has ever owned a set of Command Seals." She exhales sharply. "Guess what. Ritsuka does more commanding than I do. All I do is talk to people and discuss strategy. I'm _still_ worse than him. And I'm the one who dragged him here."

"I'm sure there are things you're better at though, Master!" Okita says quickly. "Like talking to people! Making friends! Swinging a sword!"

"Hefting a pair of giant cow-tits aro—GAH!"

Okita bonks Nobu on the head again with the hilt of her katana for good measure before sheathing it gracefully. "I'm sure there are plenty of things you do better than him! Don't feel down, speaking honestly I think everyone likes you better!"

Kana smiles, and pretends she didn't hear Nobu. "Thanks, Okita. But everyone seems to listen to him more."

"You tolerate our bullshit more," Nobunaga tells her, adjusting her cap and making sure the badge isn't dented. "That's something, right? You let me do more things!"

"No bombs," Kana says firmly.

"DAMMIT!"

"...At least these aren't like Aunt Sakura's, dear god what a..." Kana shakes her head and clenches her hands. She bats her self on the cheeks and stands up. "No, stop being down! I've got things to do! A world to save! If I can't support my Servants with Magecraft, I have to support them in other ways!" She looks over at the Demon Archer, a fire in her eyes. "Nobu! Fight me!"

"You sure?" Nobunaga asks, her voice a low growl. She bares her teeth in a feral grin. "I won't go easy, you know? Except that I won't kill you. That would be bad. But everything else goes!"

"Uh, Master," Okita says, "Y-You're our anchor, so... You should try to fight as little as possible..."

"I am _not_ going to let myself get vampire'd again! And if I don't do anything, I'm literally just a mana battery! FIGHT ME, OKITA!"

"We just did, tho—BWAH!"

Okita Souji, genius swordswoman and excitable cinnamon roll, falls over after coughing up roughly a fifth of her body weight in blood. Kana runs up to her immediately and keeps her from hitting the ground. "DON'T DIE OKITA!" She wails. "CHOOSE LIFE!"

"This... is the fifth... goddamn... _time..._ " Okita weeps. "Why..."

"...Right." Kana picks her up in a bridal carry and nods at Nobu. "Fight's cancelled. I'm taking her to medbay. No trouble, alright?"

"...Hmph! It can't be helped, but I still want a fight!" Petulantly, Nobu stamps her feet. "I will stay here until I get my fight! This is my creed, as Demon King!"

"Awesome. Tell me how it goes." Kana leaves, concerned for Okita, before Nobu can cackle about how she's going to put cannons everywhere.

* * *

"You know, when I said we should get drunk together, I didn't mean getting drunk myself while you fed me beer."

"So would you rather we got drunk together and then _no one_ feeds you beer?"

"Eh, good point." Downing another beer, Lancer slams the empty glass on the counter and slides it across to Archer. " _Man_ that's good! You know, Archer, with how stiff and lifeless you are, it's scary how good you look as a bartender!"

Saber, beside him, nods in agreement, both of her hands cupping a half-drained cup of green tea. "Yes, I agree. And I'm impressed at your skill at mixing drinks."

Archer shrugs as he cleans Lancer's glass, polishing it to a mirror-like sheen in seconds. "I'm not sure what the kid did, but _I_ worked at a few bars in between journeys, getting my finances back up. And it's a good way to get information." He frowns at Saber. "The only thing you've drank so far is that tea, though."

"Yes, and you mixed it." She looks brightly at him. "It is delicious. I thank you again, Archer."

"...Right." Instant-mix green tea aside, he turns to Lancer. "So, had enough?"

"Who? Me?" Lancer laughs and claps his hand on the barstool next to him. The large pyramid of upturned glasses next to him on the counter clatters slightly. "Never! Hit me, Archer! Another!"

EMIYA slides him another beer, and Cu Chulainn slams half of it down in an instant. "Kuh! It's like water, but I'll drink it anyways!"

Archer frowns while Saber looks on, enraptured. Did they really come just to watch a Celtic spearman drink like a fish? A bar is for conversation. Drink at home, Lancer.

"Did you really come just to drink like a fish?" Archer says out loud. No sense keeping that bit of wisdom in, considering Lancer might be the single largest consumer of booze in Chaldea right now. "Drink in your quarters, Lancer."

"I will, after I set up my still," the Lancer waves off. He turns to face Saber. "Old bastard has a point, though. Let's chat, Saber!"

Saber, halfway through sipping her tea, nods. "Of course. What would you like to discuss, Lancer?"

"Hm…" Cu strokes his chin. He raises his finger, like a light just went off above him. Archer checks, just to be safe. Damn impeccably talented irishman. "Oh! Saber, I hear you told Gold Archer off the other day!"

"He was harassing me like it was the Fourth and Fifth War," Saber says, her mood suddenly soured. The King of Knights gives a small, cruel smirk. "I decided to give him a bit of a tongue lashing. And he listened."

"Mmhm, not bad. But I think I heard something about being more of a man than he is?"

Arturia tilts her head quizzically. "I don't know what you mean?"

"Heard it from him the other day! Apparently your dick's-"

Saber's stare suddenly stretches to the everdistant utopia of Avalon, far beyond the realms of incinerated men and even Chaldea amongst the stars. Her expression goes blank, her skin turns pallid, and she starts shivering.

Lancer stops himself and raises an eyebrow at her. "Eh? Saber, you there?" He waves his hand before her eyes. No response. He jabs a punch at her face, stopping right short of her nose. Still no response. Lancer tries to summon Gae Bolg to poke her, but finds a black falchion between him and the blonde King of Knights.

"Sir, you are disturbing my clients," Archer says politely Kanshou and Bakuya in hand. He heard about the… confrontation between Gilgamesh and Saber the other day. She must not have realised what she said, what with being in a state of zen. Of course she would have blanked out the memories out of sheer shame. "Kindly leave the bar, or I might have to get physical."

"Ho?" Lancer turns to face him, spear pointed at his feet. "You know, I was just trying to see if she was fine, but if you want a fight I'm happy to-"

"Oh, Archer-dad, gimmie a coke with a tiny umbrella! And a tomato juice for Okita, please."

Like a silk carpet, Kana glides smoothly into the middle of their dispute, a dazed Okita flopped on the stool right next to Arturia. Her cheerful smile disarms Archer in an instant, and Lancer puts his spear aside the moment he realises she's there. Archer nods and smiles kindly at her, while he turns to the taps. "Of course, Kana. Would you like it in a mug?"

"Seems like a lot, give me a cocktail glass. Oh, and drop a lemon in it!" Archer nods and gets to work. Patting her hands on the counter, Kana turns to Cu. "So what was all that about?" She asks innocently.

"Ah," Lancer says and smacks his lips. Archer tenses. "Yeah, I was asking Saber about making Gold Archer feel dick-conscious, but then she shut down and Archer threatened me while I was making sure she was fine?"

Archer starts to protest his case, but Kana's reply puts him at ease instantly. "Yeah she didn't like that she had one. Every so often at night, when mom and dad think we're sleeping, Aunt Arturia would loudly scold her wizard about it." She frowns and bites her lips. "Apparently it's kind of her fault? She walked into his workshop and touched things she really shouldn't."

"Ah, mmhm," Lancer nods sympathetically, "You don't want to do that. One time, I was messing with my teacher's stuff on a dare - because I was bored, dumb kid stuff - and I got hexed. Couldn't get it up for a year." He shudders at the memory. "I _really_ should apologise to Aoife, but really… she liked it. Also it was her sister's fault so whatever."

Archer starts to wonder about the Ulster Cycle, but then stops himself. This really isn't worth his time.

"Unfortunately for Aunt Saber here," Kana adds casually, "Apparently Merlin decided it was _hilarious_ , and so started sticking it on her whenever he thought it was funny. So basically all the time."

Still gazing upon ever-distant lands, Arturia whimpers at the memory. Kana pats her comfortingly on the head, as Archer slides her coke-in-a-cocktail to her. She takes a sip and delights in the taste adorably. "Mm! Fizzy! Thanks, dad-A!"

"Father, Archer, or anything except dad-A is fine," Archer grumbles.

She faces Lancer, taking another sip. "Anyways, I'd advise not mentioning anything like it to Aunt Arturia ever. It'll either shut her down like now, or she'll fly into a rage and spank you until you beg for forgiveness."

"Uncharacteristically violent for King Arthur," Cu says. He nods as he sips a beer. "But understandable. So how does she get out of this?"

"She tends to calm down after an hour or two," Kana explains, with all the grace and experience of someone who's had to deal with this before. "But if you need to get her up and about quickly, just blow air in her ear. Either one works. Don't do both though, she'll get mad."

Archer looks at her with concern, still cleaning cups. "...How do you know this?"

"Rits is a dork who sometimes forgets himself and asks about Merlin, and then she shuts down whenever she recounts or remembers one of _those_ stories." Kana shrugs as she downs the rest of her coke. "Then _he_ breaks down for breaking her down, and I have to deal with it. It's kind of our thing."

"... _Ah._ " Archer does not let his thoughts appear on his face. As it turns out, Kana might be a lot more considerate than he thought.

"...Always wondered how it would be like, though," she says thoughtfully. "Seems like it would be inconvenient. Always getting in the way of your legs." Kana looks brightly at both Lancer and Archer. "You two have them! What's it like?"

"Couldn't care less," Archer says flatly.

"Couldn't be prouder," Lancer says proudly.

"Hm. Data inconclusive, need more sources." Kana slides her cocktail glass back at Archer and hops off her stool. "Welp, onto my rounds! Please keep feeding Okita tomato juice until she gets better, girl failed a constitution check. Don't bully Auntie _too_ much, she'll get mad!" She claps Saber on the shoulders for emphasis; the King of Knights doesn't even register it. "Alright, bye!"

Archer and Lancer both wave as Kana disappears, somehow both like a silent wind and a tornado at the same time. They exchange looks, but the moment is long dead. There's no point fighting anymore. It would be awkward.

"...Interesting daughter you got there," Lancer says slyly.

"She's not _my_ daughter," Archer retorts. "But she is, yes. Apparently she takes after me."

"You? Seriously? I don't believe it." Cu smirks and leans in closer. "Fun fact, though, if you're interested."

"Hm?" Archer leans in. Lancer's senses are usually sharp. This might be useful, or at least amusing.

Cu's eyes seem to sparkle with mischief. "Did you notice that the young Master didn't say 'dick' once the entire time? Like she's _squeamish._ And she definitely is. She screamed and shut down the other day when I wrestled Gilgamesh naked!"

"You _what._ " Archer takes a step backwards, gasping in horror, and points at the _monster._ "You _what?!_ She's just a girl!"

"Hey, you gotta admit, it's hilarious."

"...A little, yes," Archer admits. He somehow feels like he's betraying part of himself. But what's new? He looks up at Lancer, eyes narrowed. "I'll give you vodka if you don't speak of this ever again."

Lancer slams his empty mug onto the counter. "Sold!"

* * *

"Ah, Master. Good morning."

"Morning!"

Kana waves as she squats down besides her white-haired Saber, the girl daintily sprinkling fish food into the pond before her. There were many gardens in Chaldea, and this one had a fish pond. It was empty for a long time, the fish considered a waste of money by Director Olga-Marie, and then an unreasonable timesink by acting-Director Roman. But when Altera expressed an interest to raise something, Ritsuka and Kana decided to have her look after the fish instead.

And it is Altera now, not Attila; after the confrontation against the Scourge of God in Rome, Lev Uvall's last spiteful act of defiance, the Saber had an epiphany about herself. Despite her short time with Chaldea up to that point, the humanity she developed and her confrontation with her destruction-driven self made her see. She no longer walks the path of the Scourge of God; Altera seeks to do something else now.

For now, that something is feeding goldfish. Probably the most harmless thing a Servant could do. It is also boring as sin, but she seems to like it.

"So how's the fish?" Kana asks. Altera smiles softly as she continues to sprinkle food into the water, the fish within gobbling it greedily. They seem big and healthy; a far cry from a few weeks ago.

"Hungry," Altera says quietly, still smiling.

"Mmhm," Kana nods. "They sure are fat!"

"Yes... Fat."

They stay there, squatting by the side of the pond. It is nice and peaceful, just listening to the sounds of water sloshing. The park experience is ruined by the lack of bird noises and the lack of a proper breeze, but this is also nice. The grass is real, the sunlamp isn't a deadly laser, and they have fish now! It's nice and peaceful. And the perfect setting to discuss things with the avatar of destruction next to her.

"So," Kana nods, turning to Altera. "Any urges recently? Compulsions to murder violently – or violently murder?"

"...Some," Altera admits. She stops feeding the fish at this point; they've had enough, and fewer have been coming up for noms. Kana keeps looking at her, attentive but not concerned. "Less, now. When I feel like breaking stuff, I come here. Sit with the fish." She smiles again, and holds her hand over the water's surface. "Fish are good civilisation."

"They are," Kana nods. She leans back, propping herself up by her arms and stretching her chest out – but not too far, mind the belts or they'll cut into her ribs. "I lived in a coastal city, you know? Could visit the beach whenever I felt like!"

"Coas...tal?" Altera turns to her, head tilted. "Master?"

"Oh, coastal means by the sea."

"Ohhhhh." Altera nods, happy to learn something new. "Many fish?"

"Lots," Kana beams. "I used to love going to the beach. Went there basically every week if I could! I'd swim, chase the waves, get chased _by_ the waves, explore the coast, dig myself a sandcastle... Fun stuff! Active stuff!" She sticks her tongue out. "Except sand. Eurgh. It's coarse and rough, and it gets everywhere."

"Mm," Altera nods. "Sand is bad civilisation."

"Yeah. But sand is also good sometimes. Gives us glass!" Kana pulls out a set of spectacles to show her; one of the new Leo Lenses that Da Vinci is letting them prototype. "Glass is nice. We can see and still have a barrier!"

"...Sand is okay civilisation?"

"It is when it's glass," Kana grins. "Glass is pretty great! Sand is... well I guess _some_ people like it. Never met those people, though. Must be weirdoes."

"Ah."

They sit there in silence again, watching the fish. It's calming, in a way. Just watching them swim around in a colourful underwater world, not a care in a world. Nope, just swim and eat. Maximum chill.

"Master." Kana looks up at Altera again, the Saber tilting her head again. "What happened? To the beach?"

"Oh, that." Kana looks down, thinking of an answer. Ever since she turned fifteen, she started turning heads. It was around when _they_ started. Then she stopped being able to futz around on the beach doing whatever. What a shame. "The weather got worse at one point so we stayed home," Kana shrugs. "And eventually I just kind of got bored. Still visit it sometimes though, but never alone. Still nice when the weather's nice, though!"

"Mm." Altera keeps looking at her fish, as serene as she ever could be. "I want to go to a beach."

"When we find a Singularity like that, we'll all go," Kana says happily. "It'll be a holiday! All of us, and the ocean, and the sun. And sand, but eh. The rest is worth dealing with sand."

Altera nods. She smiles softly and returns to watching the fish. Kana turns to them too, watching and relaxing until she has to go.

"...Altera?"

"Yes, Master?"

Kana points. "Why is that one rainbow?"

Altera looks closely at it. Indeed, the goldfish has rainbow scales, or is starting to grow them. "I'm not sure, Master. Is that bad?"

"...I kind of like it."

Altera nods. "Rainbows are good civilisation."

"Yes." Kana nods, "Yes they are."

"Ah, Master!" A loud voice ends the peace, and Kana sees Gilgamesh walk over in full casual attire; black jacket and jeans, plus a white shirt underneath. He holds a clear flask in his fingers. "I wish to be amused, drink this!"

"Let's not," Kana says flatly.

Gilgamesh laughs loudly. "Fuhahahaha! Good, I am amused!" He tosses the flask over his shoulder and into a portal before standing over the two of them. He looks at Altera with a frown. "Hm? Who is this, another Saber?"

"Oh, right, you haven't met everyone." Kana stands and helps Altera to her feet. "This is Attila the Hun, but she prefers to go by Altera now. She's the Scourge of God!"

Gilgamesh looks closely at her, eyes narrowed. "The White Titan," he whispers, low and serious. Altera twitches at the name.

"The what?" Kana asks. She frowns. "Gilgamesh, that's racist!"

"No, it is _wrong_. Calling an _American_ a 'White Titan' would be racist."

Kana realises that Gilgamesh is correct. He might be cannier than expected. But nevermind that. "Anyways, what's the White Titan?"

"Never you mind, Master. It's in the past!" He looks at Altera again with that same, discerning eye. "But I wonder... Are you still driven to destroy?"

Altera looks up at him petulantly, like a grumpy child. "Archer is Bad Civilisation," she grumbles, and points at the fish pond behind her. "Scaring fish. Bad."

Kana glances over. Indeed, the fish have all moved into the part of the pond that is as far from Gilgamesh as possible. Does his authority extend that far?... Or does he actually smell and she just can't tell? Man that would suck. Smelling bad and not even realising. But Gilgamesh wouldn't let himself smell bad... Right?

"Hm?" Gilgamesh looks at her with an eyebrow sharply raised. "And what does it matter that the fish are scared? I am King. The fish are nothing."

"Wrong," Altera says firmly. "Fish are cute. Archer is Bad Civilisation."

"...Cute?" He looks at Kana with sudden fierceness that would have shaken anyone else, but she's long since stopped being startled by that sort of thing. Helps that she grew up around King Arthur. "Master, what is this? Why does she care about what is and is not 'cute'?"

"I left her with Medea for a couple hours after she was summoned," Kana explains casually. She probably shouldn't; it's actually a big problem. "Ever since she's been obsessed."

"...You actually induced a human desire into a living weapon. Something as basic as 'cuteness', but you still did it." Suddenly, Gilgamesh throws his head back and laughs. "FUHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA! INCREDIBLE! SIMPLY INCREDIBLE! You might actually be a terrifying beast, Master!"

"I try," Kana says brightly. She frowns. "So, what's the problem?"

"I was bored and needed entertainment." Gilgamesh sticks his hand into a newly-formed Gate and pulls out a pair of expensive sunglasses. "I have been entertained, and very quickly. Well done, Master! Carry on!"

He strides out of the garden, leaving Altera and Kana by the fish pond again. The peace has been destroyed. It will take a long time to find it again.

"...Archer is strange civilisation," Alter says flatly. "...Not bad, strange."

"That basically sums it up," Kana nods. She always figured King Gilgamesh would show up in Chaldea at one point or another – the Original Hero is not someone who would keep away from their mission for long – but she expected someone prickly, disrespectful, and extremely difficult to work with... Not _this_ ball of joy and chaos. He's like a child on holiday, just having fun and playing with the others to his heart's content. That the people he runs into _also_ have fun is accidental, but it's a good accident? Well, whatever, as long as he's happy.

Her phone buzzes abruptly and Kana pulls it out. "Y'ello? Sup?"

" _Kana come to the summoning chamber immediately it's an emergency,"_ Ritsuka half-shouts, half-cries across the line. _"Come now please NOW PLEASE."_

Wow. Someone needs to chill. "I'm on my way," she says and ends the call. Kana waves at Altera. "Alright, time to go! Have a good day, Altera!"

Altera waves back, robotic but trying. "Bye, Master."

She squats back by the fish pond, and continues looking at the fish. Fish are good civilisation, after all.

* * *

"Honestly, Rits, I'm sure Mashu could have—uh."

Standing at the door to the summoning chambers, Kana looks in, blinks, and blinks again. Ritsuka is on his knees before a small girl with long purple hair sitting imperiously on a stool, kneading her feet with his hands. He seems absolutely enraptured with her. Behind the small girl stands a statuesque woman with incredibly long hair of the same shade, meekly hugging herself.

"...Shirou's daughter?" She whispers.

Kana raises one finger. She lowers it.

This is absolutely disgusting.

"Ritsuka motherfucker Tohsaka, what the hell are you doing?" Her words do not quaver, she does not raise her voice. Kana makes a calm inquest at him.

Ritsuka looks over at her, far too happy to be her beleaguered and hysterical twin brother. Like, he's usually a drama queen with no chill. _This_ boy is nothing _but_ chill. It slightly concerns her. "Kana!" He says happily. There is an odd edge in his voice. "Have you come to pay tribute to the fair Goddess, Stheno?"

Ah. That explains a lot. This is probably a noble phantasm in process. This looks like outright mind control and _fuck_ that's creepy. Kana sighs and walks towards the little girl, the eldest Gorgon in the flesh. "Hi, in case you haven't already realised, I'm that idiot's sister and your _other_ Master." She offers a polite smile. "Kana, at your service."

The tall woman frowns. "Sakura?" She whispers, and realises too late that the acoustics of the summoning chamber are actually really good.

"...Uh." Kana looks at the tall woman in the back. Wow she's tall. Like, not _that_ tall, but tall for a girl! "Wait, how do you know-"

"So you're the one the _imbecile_ called to save him," Stheno scowls, her delicate features sneering and imperious. "Do you know what he did?"

Kana lets out a breath. What did that imbecile do? "Okay, Rits is kind of an idiot, but he's not an imbecile."

"I am whatever lady Stheno says I am," Ritsuka says, happily entranced.

"And if she said you would look fantastic in a dress?" Kana counters.

"Then I would happily wear one," he replies. Kana's eyes bulge. That did _not_ just happen. Ritsuka looks over at Stheno immediately. "Would I, milady? Would I?"

"...We will see, later," Stheno says. Yep, looks like the good old Crossdresser EX is still operational. But that's uh, not a great sign.

Kana sighs. "Yes, he called me and I came the minute I could. What did the stupid nerd do?"

Stheno snaps her fingers. "Meduseless, tell her."

Medusa? Oh boy.

"Yes, eldest big sister." The youngest Gorgon steps forward, hands clasped over her abdomen. "It started not long after I was summoned…"

* * *

 _The light dies, and she feels her form solidify. Another incarnation, another life. But this time, she does not compete for a grail. Maybe she will find some sort of redemption, before the monster takes over aga-_

" _WHAT?! SERIOUSLY?!"_

 _Medusa frowns through Breaker Gorgon, and sees her Master standing shocked before her. He stands just slightly taller than her, right above her eye line. It's shameful how she can even meet his gaze… If only she weren't so disgustingly tall._

" _Servant Rider, answering your summons. If you wished for a sacrifice, feel free to-"_

" _Oh. Oh, no no no!" The boy quickly shakes his head. "No, I'm happy to summon you! This is just the first time… I can't believe it actually worked! A Servant! I summoned a Servant!"_

 _Medusa looks oddly at her new Master. Somehow, he seems familiar… Wait, that hair and those eyes… The boy seems to resemble Rin. And more than skin deep; the way he stands, the way he's rambling… he has her mannerisms._

 _So that's how it is. Rin won, in the end. What a shame, Sakura. But it is not the end. There will be other loves, other boys who will treat you well. Like Ayako's younger brother… Hm, isn't that a thought..._

" _You're Medusa, right? The Gorgon?"_

" _Ah?" She nods at her Master. "Yes, I am. Doesn't that concern you?"_

 _The boy shrugs. "Honestly, I'm just happy I called on someone for once! I'm Ritsuka Tohsaka, looking forward to working with you!" He extends a hand, which Rider takes after several seconds. This is… odd. Acceptance, from a new Master? And so soon? He can't possibly be Rin's son. Maybe Shirou's influence shines through strongly._

" _Well, I've got one more attempt," Ritsuka tells her cheerfully, showing off four gemstones. She nods and stands by the side. Her Master tosses the gems into the summoning circle and three golden rings bloom from it, before a gold-white pillar hits the ceiling. "Wait, did it just-"_

 _Standing in the ring is a diminutive figure, her hair done up in long pigtails, wearing a loose and breezy toga. "Rejoice, Master," she titters, her voice girlish yet imperious. "You've called upon a Goddess~"_

" _E-Eldest big sister?" Medusa blurts out. Stheno looks at her, and visibly stops herself from leaping forward to hug her. Of course she wouldn't; she is a Goddess, an ideal of beauty. She has standards. But even so, these tears in her eyes… they are real…_

 _She never expected to be reunited in a place like this…_

" _Medusa," Stheno gasps, but then her shock turns into malicious glee in the blink of an eye. "I see you're still tall as ever. How_ monstrous."

 _The pain that shoots through her is not from mortal injury, but a spiritual wound that can never be healed. Medusa falls on her knees in a bid to hide her height, even if it is hopeless. "Yes…"_

 _Ritsuka frowns. "Hey, that's not nice. Apologise to her, Stheno."_

 _The eldest Gorgon turns to their Master. "Hora~? A mortal recognises us?" Her grin turns sneaky. "Well then, you might be interesting to play with…"_

" _Yeah, no, not going to happen," Ritsuka says flatly. "I'm not into children."_

 _Somehow, somewhere, the air shatters like glass. It's an interesting phenomenon, that. Glass shattering is basically never good. Even a monster like her knows this. It's why they do their best to break it as much as possible._

" _C-Children… how impertinent!" Stheno stamps her feet childishly and pouts at Ritsuka. "On your knees now, pig! Beg for forgiveness and we may yet spare you the worst!"_

" _Yeah, no, I'm… christian-ish," he says, trailing off at the end. "Hm, honestly I've never thought about it… But if I was going to worship the Gorgons I'd pick Medusa. Sorry. Love the hair colour, though."_

 _Medusa looks up, tears staining her eyes beneath Breaker Gorgon. This boy would love her, a hideous, gangly monster, as a Goddess?_

 _Stheno gasps. She does a bit of a twirl. "Y-You fool! Don't we dazzle you? Isn't our appearance the true desire of men?! Love me!"_

" _Yeah, no," Ritsuka says flatly. "I'm not into lolis. Might go to jail, and honestly the Internet is wrong. Flat is_ not _justice."_

 _His final statement hangs in the air. Both Stheno and Medusa look shocked at him._

 _Ritsuka scratches the back of his head sheepishly. "Yeah… Sorry, that was rude, I more meant to say-"_

" _ **UNACCEPTABLE!"**_

 _Mana overflows from her small body, an unyielding ocean that threatens to swallow him whole. Primal fear grips him. Medusa knows why; his instincts as a Magus tell him that Servants only unleash their power when they deploy their Noble Phantasm. And her elder big sister's Noble Phantasm is particularly cruel to men._

 _Ritsuka quickly pulls out a phone and clenches his red-branded hand. "Fuck fuck BY MY COMMAND SEAL-"_

" _ **SMILE OF THE STHENO!"**_

 _There is pink light._

" _Kana come to the summoning chamber immediately it's an emergency. Come now please NOW PLEASE!"_

 _Medusa sees that he does not hear the reply. His eyes have already glazed over, filled with love for the divine._

* * *

"...So basically my brother is an idiot who has feet in his mouth at all hours of the day."

"Essentially," Rider nods.

"Rude," Ritsuka scoffs poshly. "I am an _imbecile._ Did you not hear milady Stheno's decree?"

"Shut up, pig," Stheno scowls.

"Of course, my goddess Stheno."

Kana sighs and jabs her forehead. Okay yeah this is a predicament. Somehow she needs to resolve this incident, but using Command Seals basically undermines her authority forever. _God_ , what a mess.

"...Stheno, while my brother is a massive idiot - _don't you start_ \- he _did_ apologise, and you _have_ made him suffer for it." Kana puts her hands behind her back and leans forward to her, closer to eye level. "How about you let him go and we torture him _without_ mind control? That way we can _watch_ him suffer!"

"I'd rather not," Stheno harrumphs. "Until this pig has paid his dues and knows _true_ beauty, he shall remain mine. Grand Order or not." She narrows her eyes at Kana. "Not that _you'd_ understand, you cow."

Kana stands up straight. She pinches her nose and exhales sharply. Suddenly, her sympathy has completely died. "Stheno?"

"I'm not interested in your bargains, cow-Master," Stheno says, waving her off dismissively. "Leave us, lest I make him do something."

"Herakles," Kana says calmly but firmly, drawing all eyes as her Command Seals glow brightly, "By my Command Seal, come."

There is thunder. There is lightning. There is the Son of Zeus, in the flesh, standing tall beside his comparatively-tiny Master. Kana is pretty short, but she's not _that_ short - and yet compared to Herakles, _everyone_ is short. He looks over at Kana, slightly frowning. Now, Kana isn't a Berserker whisperer like Ritsuka is, but she _does_ know how to set the big guy off.

"Stheno over there has mind controlled Ritsuka and won't give him back," she says flatly. Stheno's eyes go wide as dishplates as Herakles snaps to face her, glaring with all the ferocity of a monster himself. Even Medusa takes a step back instinctively, knowing true fear. "Anyways, Stheno, let him go or I let the big guy loose - and he loves the idiot."

" _Imbecile,"_ Ritsuka hisses.

"You're an idiot, shut up."

Stheno glares harshly at Kana but she knows it is a battle she cannot win. Regrettably, it takes some muscle to get the _point_ through to her. "Fine," she says, angrily and through gritted teeth.

Ritsuka lurches up like a coiled spring suddenly released, and he nearly stumbles face-first into Herk's abs as he finally has control again. _"Thank you_ ," he weeps. "Thank yo-ho-ho-hooo Kana, holy _fuck_ what was I _doing."_

"Shut up, imbecile," Kana snaps playfully, causing Stheno to almost smile before remembering her frustration. She looks over at Medusa. "Anyways, Rider, if _you_ are a hideous, gangly monster, then what am I?"

"A troll," both Stheno and Ritsuka say, at the same time, in the same tenor.

Kana looks at her brother again. What a fucking imbecile. "Actually, Stheno, bully him all you like."

"Kana _no!"_

"Kana yes. Eat shit, imbecile."

" _I'M NOT AN IMBECILE!"_

"You talked smack about your savior. That sounds like something an imbecile would do. Imbecile."

Ritsuka screams incoherently at the flawless logic. He looks desperately up at Herakles, but the giant simply returns with a flat gaze. He's brought this on himself. Even the mad hero agrees - and he's literally too insane to understand this sort of shit right now.

Stheno smirks devilishly. "Actually, Master, we might get along after all."

"I sure hope not," Kana says, returning with a smirk of her own. Honestly probably not really, Stheno is a horrible self-centered god-bitch, but in the afterglow of vindication it's nice to have a friend. "Welcome to Chaldea, Stheno."

"Sakura, how..." Medusa mutters under her breath. And Herakles gives her a single sympathetic nod, when no one is looking.

 **\- End Chapter Ten -**

Several hours later, the twins return to the sparring grounds looking to vent their tensions through the sacred family tradition of 'fuck you talk to my fists'. But they find a sight far more wondrous and cathartic.

Orange juice and rind drops off the ceiling and the walls, while both Gilgamesh and Nobunaga are rolling on the floor, covering their faces. There is orange rind everywhere. And Gil's sunglasses, no doubt absurdly expensive and nigh-irreplaceable, have been shattered on the ground.

It doesn't take a genius to realise what the hell happened here.

"Did you get your fight, Nobu?" Kana asks with a sigh. The Demon King whimpers as she nods. "This is why you don't fight."

"...I actually don't need to do anything," Ritsuka says happily. He no longer seeks vengeance. Good. "You've already punished yourselves. This is _amazing._ Don't do it again, guys, I'll see you tomorrow!"

He turns around to leave. Abruptly, Gilgamesh grabs and suplexes him.

"How," Ritsuka rasps.

"You're still wide open, Master," Gilgamesh says, then laughs. "My eyes burn BUT MY HEART BURNS HOTTER!"

Kana ponders it. She shrugs. "That's bullshit, but I believe it."


	11. Chapter 11

It started with an idle thought.

"How did the Fifth War go, for everyone?"

As they say, idle hands are the devil's workshop.

Seated around a large table in Archer and Arturia's favourite lounge room, the seven Servants involved in the Fifth War discuss thait individual roles during the conflict. For some, it is out of a burning need to know. For others, it is a way to pass the time. For Archer EMIYA, it is the least painful way he has relived the same Grail War thus far.

No one knows why Gilgamesh is interested, but he brought the drinks so no one cares.

"Alright, I think I have it," Archer says, tapping the notebook he projected twice. As the one who has gone through the War most – even if not everyone accepts that he has been the Archer in more than one iteration, everyone knows that he is the future crystalisation of a Shirou Emiya, and has gone through it at least twice. "So, we start with Ilya summoning Berserker several months before the war, in Germany."

The hulking giant, whose frame dominates the couch on one side, grunts gruffly. He glares significantly at a certain blonde King, who at least has the courtesy to look away.

"So Ilya summons Berserker and supports him independently for those several months, as part of 'Einzbern training'," Archer says while adding airquotes. No one present actually belives it was for training, and Arturia is in the unique position of agreeing that the Einzbern are assholes. "Then, during the war itself, Lancer and Caster were summoned a few days prior to prepare. Yes?"

"Indeed," Medea nods. "My Master was a Clocktower Magus who fueled his magecraft with human sacrifice. I showed him a better way, he tried to murder me. So I set his workshop on fire and let the children go before finding my Souichirou-sama minutes before expiring."

"That's convenient," Medusa says testily.

"That's love," Caster says pointedly.

Cu grunts in grudging agreement. "Meanwhile, I was summoned by my type of woman, but minutes after I appeared the fucking priest tore her arm off, stole her command seals, and left her for dead. And immediately spent one on me to go investigate the other Servants and not fight them." He scoffs irritably. "What an asshole."

"Kotomine is an asshole, yes," Gilgamesh says idly, swirling a glass of wine, "But what an entertaining asshole he was!"

Cu rolls his eyes. "I had to be in the same space as that asshole, too. But I guess he's alright now. But god damn what an asshole."

Oh? Are you anxious?" Gilgamesh chuckles and pulls a jar of oil from the Gate of Babylon. "My arena is not yet complete, but we could spar."

"Hell yeah, asshole!"

"We get it, you're obsessed with assholes." Archer rolls his eyes and scoffs. "Freaking celts."

"You want a go too?! Bring it!"

"Anyways," Arturia coughs loudly, "Then came the first days of the Fifth War. Rider was summoned by the Matou, Archer not long after by Rin, and I appeared as the last Servant. Caster bound Assassin to the gate around this time too."

"Ah, Sasaki," Medea sighs, "He had such a clever tongue... Now if only he were a girl and more respectful. But, needs must. And he was a reasonable enough gatekeeper." She glances at Archer. "With some exceptions."

The red man shrugs, "I told you to move, Caster."

"You stabbed me full of swords."

"Again. Told you to move." Archer smirks. "Didn't you learn, Caster? Everything I did was for the sake of my goal."

"If you wanted to kill yourself so badly, Archer, you could have just stabbed the boy full of swords."

"Focus!" Saber hisses, and order returns to the lounge. She sighs. "Honestly, if we keep getting distracted by the slightest murder-death-kill... Regardless, there was also that fight between Lancer and Archer on the school grounds."

"I nearly killed him despite only having a tenth of my power," Cu laughs. "What a weakling!"

"I had something in mind for Gae Bolg," Archer says casually. "Your victory wasn't as certain as you think."

The Lancer scowls. "And what is it you had?"

"That would be telling."

"Then you were going to die! But then the kid... who turned out to be you... Saved your life." Cu frowns, glaring at the Counter Guardian. "Did you plan that?"

Archer smiles smugly. "It would be telling."

Everyone at that table knows Archer is selling a load of shit. But no one is sure enough that they would call him out on that. Despite the incredible complexity and convoluted nature of his plot, everyone agreed that he did basically play everyone. But only because only an idiot would try to kill himself in such a roundabout fashion despite being an Archer with access to A-Ranked Broken Phantasms.

"Bullshit, faker. You didn't remember those memories until you saved the boy at the Temple."

Well, there was Gilgamesh, who could cheat with his Clairvoyance . What a man.

EMIYA shrugs. "Can you say for certain?"

"Moving on," Arturia sighs, "Around this time, Rider had already fed on people for mana, leading to the incidents happening all over Fuyuki. Which we will get to eventually. Lancer killed Shirou, Rin saved his life, he stumbled home, got attacked by Lancer again, and then I was summoned to protect him."

Lancer nods. "Sounds about right. That kid is tough. He doesn't die when he is killed, not when that troublesome girl is around! Though, I guess she's a troublesome lady now."

"Extremely troublesome," Archer agrees. "I'd ask our Masters how Rin is like as a mother... but I'm worried about what I will learn."

"We then went to the Church, Shirou making me wear that godawful raincoat instead of something sensible like a suit, and they met the priest, who is an asshole."

"What an asshole," Archer nods.

"Total fucking asshole," Cu agrees.

"My kind of asshole," Gilgamesh grins.

Saber nods. "And then we fought Berserker. It was a good fight. I killed him once, which was good. Then Archer killed him a second time and nearly murdered Shirou in the blast wave."

Archer shrugs. "Acceptable losses."

Medusa adjusts her glasses, newly acquired from the Caster sitting next to her. "Perhaps you are simply bad at committing suicide, Archer."

The Counter Guardian turns his hawk-like eyes on the Gorgon-to-be. "Much like you were, Rider?"

"...Ganguro player," Medusa hisses, like a snake.

"Now where did that come from?" Archer asks with a frown.

"You know. Ganguro player," she hisses again.

Archer sighs. "How do you know what that is? Have you been talking to Kana?"

Arturia shakes her head. "Focus, the two of you. How did I become the narrator, Archer?"

"You do such a good job of it, Saber. I felt you deserved the opportunity."

"Mmh." Pleased at being praised, Arturia continues. "The next day, I go with Shirou to deliver food to the Archery Club, and I had an encounter with Souichirou Kuzuki. He was firm but fair, and he possessed exceptional control over himself." Saber lets out a breath. "Shame that he was Caster's Master, and our enemy. Though, we didn't know at the time."

Caster lets out a happy nostalgic sigh, while everyone else rolls their eyes. Some enviously, some just because it's annoying.

"Rin and I also investigated some gas leaks that night and concluded that Caster was at Ryuudo Temple," Archer says. "It might seem like a leap in logic, but it wasn't. Also Rin promised to kill the idiot if he gets in her way, the liar."

And then the very next day," Saber sighs heavily, "Against my peerless advice, Shirou decides to go to school without me. And is attacked by Rin, who also didn't bring her Servant. Predictably, they are attacked by Rider, but they manage to chase her away." Saber looks smugly at Rider. "Your thoughts?"

"Shinji is useless," Medusa says simply, to unanimous agreement.

"What a spineless wimp," Cu remarks.

"Completely unremarkable," Medea says.

"Fun to bully, more fun to silence," Gilgamesh shrugs.

"He used to be better," Archer says meekly.

"I will abstain," Arturia nods. "Shirou and Rin struck up an alliance that night against Caster and Rider. Then one night Caster kidnapped my Master."

"I would contest that," the Princess of Colchis says. "He walked to the Temple."

"You possessed his body."

"But it wasn't a kidnapping, technically~"

"...I am not doing this." Saber turns back to the others. "So Shirou was kidnapped, and I rushed to save him but then Assassin stopped me at the gate. Fortunately Archer was around and then saved him and then slashed him."

"He should have moved," Archer says with a smirk, "Learned from Caster's example."

Saber glares at him. "I thought you were going to do your best now."

"I am. But tell me, Saber, how did you get beaten back by a phantom?"

Saber flushes and tries to answer, but then Lancer steps in. "Hey, easy on the lady. I got beaten back too."

"As was I," Rider nods. "Assassin was a surprisingly difficult obstacle. Though, with more mana, I could have blown through."

Archer frowns. "Wait, did everyone try to attack Caster?"

Nearly everyone nods, Berserker included. Only Gilgamesh doesn't, because he's too busy pouring another drink.

"...Huh. Well, I suppose Ryuudo Temple would be quite a base."

"I am twice-blessed Medea of Colchis," Caster says with a smile.

"...So the day after that, against my advice, Shirou goes to school without me again," Saber seethes. "That boy was… is… was a dense block of stone! And wouldn't you know it, Bloodfort Andromeda activates and the school is knocked out. And is then subsequently attacked by skeleton warriors."

"You sound slightly bitter, Saber-" Lancer starts.

"I AM! WHAT A WASTE OF A COMMAND SEAL!"

"It was quite foolish, yes," Archer nods. "That said, matters were quickly dealt with."

Rider nods. "A certain teacher punched my head off."

"It wasn't off!" Caster gasps. "It was just… tentatively attached!"

"Rider nods and sips at her tea. "I suppose. Nonetheless, Shinji was absolutely worthless throughout that entire debacle."

Saber frowns at her. "Rider, you seem incredibly critical about Shinji. Should I be worried for our Masters?"

Rider shakes her head. "I have no such concerns with our current Masters. Ritsuka and Kana seem like good, capable young adults. Who are not Shinji."

"...Right."

"...You know, Rider," Lancer frowns, "Thinking about it, you really didn't do much at all in the Fifth War." He raises a hand before Rider can speak again. "Yes yes, I know, useless Shinji. But that means I don't actually know how strong you are!"

Rider tilts her head owlishly at Lancer. "Would you like to know?"

Cu's grin turns feral. "When would I like to know?"

"Not now," Saber growls, seconds from releasing Strike Air and bonking everyone on the head. And for Lancer, who will dodge the table due to an unfairly strong skill, she will stab him a little. Just a little. "So after all that, Shirou and Rin investigated Homurahara for Caster's Master, we confronted Souichirou Kuzuki and Caster on the road to Ryuudo Temple, and Kuzuki beat me up."

Lancer suppresses a snigger. Gilgamesh doesn't even try. Rider gives a sympathetic-yet-vindictively-happy look, and Caster swoons at the mention of her beloved again. Saber, her face death, draws Excalibur-

"And the idiot projected for the first time there," Archer continues smoothly, "Apparently using Kanshou and Bakuya. And he was able to hold Soichirou off long enough for Saber to scare them off. Because Souichirou Kuzuki is an assassin. Who specialises in surprise attacks. And was also augmented by Caster to the level of a Servant."

Saber looks at Archer. She nods appreciatively at him for the save, and decides not to draw on the Wind Hammer just yet.

"But were Saber's Master not a total incompetent who forged a new circuit every time he used magecraft, she might have fended Kuzuki off immediately and ended the threat then and there," Archer concludes. "So in conclusion, Emiya Shirou is also useless."

"Less, to be fair," Caster says, "He did produce our Masters."

"That is entirely Rin."

Saber seethes. "I thought you were doing your best, Archer?"

"I am. Doing my best to reaffirm just how much of an idiot Emiya Shirou is."

"So you just called yourself an idiot?" Gilgamesh asks.

Archer looks at him, dead-serious. "Yes," he replies, dead as the night.

Gilgamesh looks at him. Everyone looks at him. And the King of Heroes laughs. "Fair point! Carry on, faker."

Archer sighs. "Of course, Rin is also an idiot. Because she took the idiot out on a date in the middle of the war right after."

"That's… interesting," Rider suggests.

"That's… true," Saber admits, sufficiently chided.

"Oh, how romantic!" Caster gushes. "Ah, if only I could have gone on a date with Souichirou-sama… Ah, we were so close…"

Herakles just grunts. Whether it is in support or in opposition will never be known, because Ritsuka isn't here to translate.

"That's amazing," Lancer laughs. "I wish I went out on a date in the middle of the war!" He ponders. "...That fucking priest robbed me of that chance. Fucking asshole."

"What is your idea of a date?" Caster asks, one eyebrow raised.

Lancer shrugs. "We hit the town, have lunch, fool around, and then fight. Sounds like a great time!"

Everyone looks at Cu now, with varying degrees of concern.

"...What? It's not weird."

"It is a bit," Saber says dryly. "But yes, Rin took us out on a date to Shinto. It was, I have to admit, a good time." Saber smiles serenely at the memory, the three of them in the park, just eating sandwiches. "Of course, I've gone out with them on family outings since, together with Ritsuka and Kana, and they were fun as well. But that first time will always be something I cherish."

Her expression sours, and Arturia glares at Caster. "Until someone attacked and kidnapped me."

"You were literally asking for it," Caster says smugly. "Going on a date in the middle of a war? You'd have to be a fool or be invincible!"

"YOU JUST SAID IT WAS ROMANTIC!"

"And romance has no place on the battlefield! That's why I intended on winning first!"

"You broke the rules of engagement by attacking in the day!"

"Foolish Saber! Rules are made to be broken!"

"So are faces! SO LEAN FORWARD!"

Archer sighs. "After that I told Rin to abandon Shirou, and she listened for once. Not after healing him, though, the sentimental idiot."

"Ah, so she'd already fallen for him by then," Lancer says, nodding knowingly. "Ah, that's no good kid… You were doomed from the start."

Something explodes. A gust of wind like a shockwave blows past all of them. Only the constitution of a Servant keeps their skin from being blasted off their flesh. They turn to the source with idle curiosity and find Saber and Caster wrestling over Rule Breaker and Excalibur.

"That knife is useless when we have the SAME MASTER!"

"And that sword is useless when swinging it KILLS EVERYONE!"

"APOLOGISE, CASTER!"

Medea smiles cruelly. "You will have to defeat my Enforcers first!"

Saber's face turns to shock and then back to anger. "You witch… what have you done to them!"

"I have shown them the light!" Medea raises a bare hand, not for any real reason but just as a flourish. "COME, ALTERA! ATALANTA! HEED MY SUMMONS!"

As the door slides open quietly and the wall is blasted open, Archer and Lancer both sigh as they turn to Gilgamesh. "Drink me," EMIYA sighs.

"I'll have twice what he has," Cu nods astutely.

Herakles grunts, and holds up three fingers.

Gilgamesh chuckles and shakes his head, while golden portals deposit gold-plated canned beers into their hands. "Drink, you mongrels, for today we are as brothers."

They clink their beers together, right as Altera and Arturia punch each other's fists, and the world is blown away by force.

* * *

The door is kicked open, and an irate Ritsuka Tohsaka stomps in, hands like claws. "I HEARD AN EXPLOSION WHO DID IT?!"

"More tea, Caster?" Arturia asks politely.

"Why thank you, Saber," Medea responds kindly.

Before him, the lounge room is perfectly intact. Arturia, Medea, Altera and Atalanta are all seated around one table, drinking tea and laughing politely like noblewomen. Well, except Atalanta, who is glumly resting her head on the table and occasionally pawing at her teacup, but it is a normal sight all in all. The men are on the couch far from the door, Cu, Archer, and Herakles looking glumly at their gold-plated beer cans while Gilgamesh looks smugly on at everything. Medusa is on the other side, sitting in a chair, reading a book quietly.

"Oh, Master," Altera waves, holding her teacup up with pinky extended. "Would you like tea? We have cups." She offers another cup, shaped like a purring cat. Ritsuka then notices that her own teacup is shaped like a purring cat, too.

"...No thanks, Altera. Thank you." He looks sharply at the girls around the table, all of them but Atalanta holding their teacups with a pinky extended like posh noblewomen. "If you hear any explosions, tell me."

"Of course, Ritsuka," Arturia nods.

"You shall be the first to know," agrees Medea.

"Bluh," grunts Atalanta.

Ritsuka narrows his eyes but says nothing, as he slides slowly out of the door. A minute passes as the four of them continue their teatime, waiting for Ritsuka to really be gone.

When he's finally gone, Saber throws her teacup away and clutches at her head, in perfect sync with Caster. "OH MY GOD THAT WAS HORRIBLE," Arturia wails.

"I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO THE SHOEBOX," Medea cries out hysterically.

"SCARE IS NOT CUTE," Altera weeps, sobbing uncontrollably.

Atalanta rolls her eyes, still face down on the table. "Meh. What he doesn't know won't hurt him."

"Pretty much," Kana agrees. "Though I'm impressed at how quickly you three fixed the walls! Honestly kind of wish he did find out, the construction teams could use the help!"

The three of them freeze, and slowly turn their heads to their other Master. Kana is sitting on Archer's lap, happily waving at them with a gold-plated beer can in her hand as well. She takes a swig, only winces at the taste a bit, and then crushes it against her head. "That's pretty strong," she rasps to Gilgamesh. "What is it?"

"Hops," the King responds blandly. "What else would beer be made of?"

"This is strong I thought it was wine!"

"Ancient babylonian hops are far stronger than the lesser weeds your people currently ferment into yellow piss." Gilgamesh looks askance at Cu, happily chugging away. "Though I suppose some mongrels like that sort of thing."

"HOW ARE YOU HERE?!" Arturia and Medea screech, again in synch.

"I was spelunking in the Gate of Babylon!" She says cheerfully. Kana frowns. "Actually, how did that happen? I thought you didn't let anyone in, Gil."

"I thought it would be amusing to show you my collection, Master," the King sniggers. "Feast your eyes, for this will be the only time I permit it."

"Is the original air conditioner really just a large fan, though?"

"It is better than any 'air conditioner' you use today," Gilgamesh responds, matter-of-factly. "But yes. Yes it is."

Kana nods. "Fascinating." She hops off the Red Archer's lap and plants her hands on her hips. "Anyways! If you two do that shit again I'm telling Rits, and then you'll both be begging for the shoebox!" She sees how Saber and Caster both go ghostly white, and laughs. "I'm just kidding! As long as you fix your shit, I don't care. Anywho, I have a lesson to skip, so... Gilgamesh, can I get a ride?"

The King harrumphs. "For that impudence, Master, I am going to put you in a random place inside the Gate, and you will have to make your own way out." A golden portal swallows Kana up, and stays open just long enough for Kana to shout 'CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!'

Archer, looking at all of this, is not sure what to say. Once again that girl has rendered him speechless. "So, anyways. The, ah. Fifth War."

"Oh, look. Something I don't care about." Atalanta stands up, puts her chair back in, and picks the shaking Altera up on her back. "I'm going to look after this big baby and then I'm going to wrestle a log."

"Just ask Leonidas, gods," Medea sighs, "He's capable enough to spar you in Pankration."

"No. Good day." Atalanta nods briefly, and then she's off.

"The Fifth War," Archer repeats. "Rin and I assault Caster at the Church, after she attacked it and Kotomine."

"Killed him, then and there," the Witch of Colchis smirks.

"...No, you didn't," Archer tells her straight. "He lived. Lancer killed him."

Medea scowls at him. "I had him surrounded by bone warriors! He couldn't have escaped!"

"Well evidently he did," Saber says. "Rin recounted the experience to me a few days later."

Lancer nods. "Yep. And I'd know it was him, he's my Master. So I stabbed him right in the fucking heart, after he told me to kill myself," Cu grins. "Asshole forgot I had Battle Continuation! What an asshole. Then I set the castle on fire just to make sure."

"Are you sure he's dead?" Medea asks deviously. "For all you know, he escaped with his life, too."

Lancer looks at her. "I set the fire right next to him. It would be impossible."

"You'd think so. You'd really think so."

Saber shudders. "The both of you are horrible. I don't want to believe in a world where Kotomine Kirei is still alive."

Cu nods, and downs his beer. "You and me both."

"...Right," Archer grunts. "So Rin and I confront Caster and Souichirou in the church basement, where they were trying to break Saber, and I believe Caster made her wear a dress-"

"Archer betrayed Rin and joined Caster, complete with Rule Breaker severing his contract with her, and basically guaranteeing her death," Saber snaps quickly, before anyone can inquire about the dress.

"Again, as I said," Archer repeats, "Everything I do is for the sake of my plan."

"Your plan was to kill Shirou and try to erase yourself from the Throne!"

"No, my plan is more complex than that. You misunderstand, Saber."

"Then what is your plan?" She asks, arms folded. "Come, tell us. What is your goal?"

"...To kill the idiot and show him the mistake of his ideal, while also ideally placing Rin in a position to win the war. By contracting with you."

Everyone nods once, now that it is out in the open. "Fair," Arturia says, "But then if that's what you wanted, why didn't you, say... shoot Shirou with your bow? You know, like an Archer."

Everyone turns to the Counter Guardian, awaiting his response. It had better be good.

"You would have blocked," Archer sniffs.

"Yes, but not forever!"

"So you say. Besides, I did, against Berserker." Archer says. "Caladbolg II is mean to do more than hurt Herakles. That's why I used an Anti-Army Noble Phantasm on a single target, instead of something more personal."

"Wait hold on what?" Lancer takes a swig of beer, hoping the taste will help this factoid go down easier. It does not. "You what?! How?!"

Archer frowns at the Celt. "My Reality Marble lets me collect and replicate swords, Lancer. You know this."

"Caladbolg is a drill."

"It is a drill sword," Archer corrects. "Close enough."

"Alright then riddle me this, asshole: Why can't you replicate his drill sword?"

"Because Ea is beyond the grasp of a filthy faker like him," Gilgamesh sneers.

"Because I don't like fidget spinners," Archer responds flatly.

Everyone looks at him. Gilgamesh almost sputters, but he's too dignified for that. So he just scowls instead. "Excuse me?" He growls. "You dare compare the Sword of Rapture to a toy?"

"Well, no, think about it," Arturia says, "It has three separate cylinders, and it spins. And it is red and gold and patterned. Archer might be onto something."

Gilgamesh sucks on his teeth. "Very well. We shall test that hypothesis." He draws a strange key from the Gate and raises it into the air. Red circuits paint themselves into the air, past the ceiling, and then contract rapidly back down into his hand. There is light, and then there is the greatest sword of the King of Heroes.

Archer takes one enraptured look at it, and immediately doubles over, massaging his eyes. "Fuck me I forgot how much that hurts," he hisses.

Gilgamesh smirks as he looks at Saber. "You make a fair point, Saber. It is a fidget spinner. And I quite like it." Ea rotates briefly, and causes the wind to shift.

"Don't do that," Saber sighs in dismay. "Ritsuka will come back."

Gilgamesh acquiesces, and sheathes the weapon back into the Gate. Archer is still bent over, screaming like a slowly deflating balloon. Lancer and Herakles both pat him on the back, each smack like a gunshot.

"Stop," he moans irritably, still rubbing his eyes.

Saber nods. "Shirou came to save her, and they were allowed to leave. Needing help, they went to the Einzbern castle in the hopes of getting Berserker to help them." She glances at Gilgamesh. "They could not get her help."

Gilgamesh swirls a cup of wine, pondering his words. "Saber, if you could kill all the fools in the world and make mankind great again, would you not jump at the opportunity?"

"As I am not a psychopath, I will not," she replies immediately. "I do not intend to murder anyone, provided they do not hurt my family."

"Hurt how?" Gilgamesh asks. "Physically? Emotionally? Psychologically?"

"Just know that if you go too far I will be ramming the full length of Excalibur, hilt included, down your throat and clean through your bum cheeks," she says with an unsettlingly happy smile.

Gilgamesh laughs. "Fair enough! You are as a lion with her cubs, Saber. Though, I suppose that would be true."

Herakles grunts, his unflinching glare having been laid on Gilgamesh this entire time, his yellow-gold eyes harsh and uncompromising. Gilgamesh looks back at a fellow demigod. "Berserker, we have talked about this. It was necessary." He looks down at his wine, and swirls it again. "I will speak no more of it."

There is a contemplative beat, as everyone ponders the implications of his silence.

"...So they were moping in the woods," Lancer says, just to break the sad mood, "And then I showed up and offered to help! And you know what the kid did? It was amazing!" He slaps Archer on the back again. "Do you want to know, Archer? Do you want to know why he's way better than you?"

"Stop," Archer says, still bent over.

Cu laughs. "The kid tells me to back off from his woman! It was great! That's why I respect the red-headed bastard while you are an asshole. Who is surprisingly good with drinks," Lancer admits, "But still an asshole."

"Stop saying Asshole. Seriously."

"Then we shook hands," Lancer nods. "What a man, that boy. And he even proved it by taming the girl and being a father! Of twins!" He chuckles, scratching his nose. "The best part was the girl's reaction, though. She's the type who lies to herself, so being forced to confront her love was amazing. Your Master is the best part about you, Archer."

"Actually," Saber says with finger raised, "Rin was the one who tamed Shirou, because... Nevermind, it doesn't matter. Move on."

Lancer nods. "So we moved on the Church at night. And I fought Archer here." Lancer laughs and shakes his head. "Asshole has a shield Noble Phantasm! Blocked by spearthrow with 'Rho Aias' or something, which is a pretty weird name if you ask me!"

"It's the shield of Hektor you plebian," Medea hisses. She frowns and pinches her chin. "Wait, no, not Hektor's... Who owned it..."

"...Ajax," Herakles says.

"Yes," Medea nods, "It was Ajax. Thank you-"

She turns to look at Berserker. Berserker just looks back at her. "Did you just talk, Herakles?"

"Wasn't listening," Rider says blandly.

"Hm sorry what?" Cu says.

"It was Ajax," Archer repeats.

"I'm sorry I spaced out," Saber says apologetically.

Gilgamesh leans backwards. "I did not care enough to hear."

Medea rolls her eyes, not sure of herself anymore. "Fascinating. All of you are wonderful."

"Your compliments are not necessary witch," Gilgamesh replies.

Now, Cu crosses his arms and looks at Archer. "It's literally 'raw ass', you tell me it doesn't sound weird."

"It's not 'raw ass' it's Rho Aias, get your mind out of the gutter," Archer grumbles.

Rider tilts her head and looks at the Counter Guardian. "It might not be, but you certainly sound like you have one, Archer."

Archer groans and rubs his temples some more. "Kill me."

"I'd tell you to kill yourself," Rider says, "But you seem to be especially bad at it."

"This is getting nowhere," Saber sighs. "Look, while Lancer and Archer fought, Shirou and Rin went to confront Caster and Souichirou. Rin countered enough of Caster's spells to hit her thrice with her martial arts-"

"Which are entirely nonsensical and unfair," the Caster in question complains.

"-While Shirou struggled to survive against Souichirou. Rin was unable to finish Caster off, and then Archer shot Caster full of swords." Saber stops thoughtfully to recollect her memories. "Then Archer kills Souichirou-"

"I'm sorry what?!"

"I let him leave," Archer corrects. "He insisted on fighting for your sake. I simply obliged."

"...Ah, Souichirou-sama~"

Caster swoons, and Rider rolls her eyes. She takes out a small notebook and makes a note.

"...So Archer then kicks us around for a bit, Rin establishes a contract with me, and I stomp Archer into the ground. And then he deploys his Reality Marble." She looks significantly at the Red Man. "Archer, you can control all the blades in your world, correct?"

"It is the literal foundation of my magecraft, yes," the Counter Guardian grunts, already expecting the question.

"Then why didn't you, I don't know... shoot Shirou with swords?"

"Would it have broken his ideal?" Archer asks spitefully. "No. No it would not have. Which is why I elected to kidnap Rin and force a confrontation between us instead."

Saber sighs. "Yes, that happened. Then you deployed your Reality Marble again-"

"I most certainly did not that would be a horrendous waste of my incredibly limited mana supply."

"-And Shirou beat you regardless." She straightens her dress and smiles, cup of tea in hand. "Saving people is never wrong. Isn't that right?"

"I... yes, he won the battle that mattered. I was convinced that my ideals were not a mistake, and I stopped trying to break him." Archer sighs, content despite everything. "As I said, I'm still an idiot."

"Yep," Lancer nods, "Which is why you let the spineless wimp have his way with the troublesome lady. And by way I mean in the celtic sense."

Saber, halfway through a sip, spits out her drink. "What?! ARCHER!"

"I thought he wouldn't dare," Archer hastily insists. "And I was certain she could take care of herself."

"He tied her to a chair and left her completely defenseless," Lancer corrects immediately.

"ARCHER!"

"I am very sorry," Archer says in a small voice.

Lancer laughs and scratches his nose again. "Fortunately I saved her – punched him in the face, it was great – and was about to save her when the asshole priest showed up and told me to kill myself." He shrugs. "I did, but then I killed him immediately afterwards, so I'll call it a win for me. Oh, and then I set the mansion on fire."

"So that's where the fire came from," both Saber and Gilgamesh say at the same time.

'That is also around the time Gilgamesh shot Archer full of swords," Saber adds.

"Not so fun when it happens to you, does it," Caster asks vindictively.

Archer shrugs. "I've had worse. I then told the boy defeating Gilgamesh is now his job, and then I pretended to die."

"You are a squirrely bastard, you Faker," Gilgamesh scoffs, "But I must give props to your incredible refusal to accept your fate."

"So we went home," Saber says, "We prepare a plan to stop the Grail from drowning the world in mud, and we executed it. From what I understand, that was the first time Shirou and Rin engaged their relationship. For the sake of a magecraft ritual, she claims, but I doubt that was the only intent."

"Ah, to lay with a woman on the eve of battle," Lancer sighs happily. "Truly, the boy saw manhood that day. Good on him!"

"Let me ask, Saber," Rider says, her voice measured, "Did Assassin stop you?"

Arturia nods. "He wanted one last fight after Caster abandoned him. I obliged. He intentionally parried one of my strikes instead of deflecting it, bending his blade enough for me to dive through a gap and cut him in half." She takes a deep breath. "At the time, I respected him as a warrior for wishing to die in battle, but on future consideration I became deeply annoyed at him for delaying my engagement with Gilgamesh."

"You barely even fought me, Saber," Gilgamesh says haughtily. "You simply deflected a few trinkets I was throwing at the boy for amusement before he told you to fuck off!"

"I was going to destroy the Lesser Grail, Gilgamesh."

"And yet that took you fifteen minutes, not five seconds."

"Rin insisted on saving Shinji," Arturia responds, unimpressed.

Rider frowns. "I don't understand. Why?"

"Apparently, Sakura would have gotten sad," Saber sighs, and takes a sip of tea. "Mind you, I didn't get this answer out of her until after the Grail Dismantlement Incident."

"The what?" Lancer asks.

"It's a whole ordeal," Arturia says, "And completely irrelevant to the conclusion of the Fifth War. So I resisted Rin's Command Seal to destroy the Lesser Grail with her still in it, while Shirou fought Gilgamesh. I didn't hear anything, so I can only assume he used his Reality Marble."

"He did," the King himself confirms. "I must admit... he was strong. Though, I suppose he is my proof of concept."

"Excuse me?" Saber asks.

"Think, Saber, to the fire that stemmed from your Master's wish in the Fourth War. The boy survived. And then he defeated me." He spreads his arms wide. "Is that not proof that the mankind that weathers the mud would have become, if not great, then at least worth my attention?"

"No. Shirou only survived because Kiritsugu saved him by implanting Avalon into him."

"And like that I've lost interest," Gilgamesh sighs. "What a shame, he would have been worth enslaving."

"...Anyways, Archer cut Rin a path, I deployed Excalibur against the Lesser Grail, and then Archer shot Gilgamesh between the eyes when Gilgamesh was about to be consumed be used as the Vessel himself. Then as I was fading, Rin forged a new contract with me, and I was allowed to watch them grow." Saber sighs nostalgically. "I am glad for the opportunity. To think, I was happy to return to Camlann..."

"Rin offered to contract me as well," Archer says casually. "I decided to refuse. My presence would have only agitated the idiot, and he deserved something nice from me." He sighs. "Besides..."

"You were also going to try your best," everyone says at once.

Archer blinks, and then scowls. "Why this."

"Because it is amusing to throw things in your face," Gilgamesh responds. "Observe!" He pulls a fidget spinner inlaid with gold and red designs, looking superficially like Ea if it were a fidget spinner, and tosses it at him. It bounces off his head, the Red Man's expression irritated and firm as he very pointedly avoids laying his eyes upon the toy, just in case. "See? Amusing!"

"This was a horrific waste of time," Archer sighs. "But yes, I believe we have finally compiled the events of the Fifth War. In conclusion, Rider did not do much, Saber did very little, we learned very little of Berserker, and it seems that Lancer, Caster, and myself dominated the war in terms of Things Actually Done." Archer frowns, referring to his notes. "Somehow, I feel like this is only part of the story."

"Of course it is," Gilgamesh says, "And yet, it is also a complete story. The Fifth War could have ended in any number of ways. The faker pining forever after his knight. The faker abandoning his ideals for the sake of a worm-ridden cup. Tokiomi's spawn fumbling an experiment and fusing the timelines. The War becoming some sort of televised game show. All of these could have come to pass." He slouches, swirling yet more wine. "But these are the events as we know them. Though, I have to admit, the televised war seems like it would be entertaining." He looks at Cu. "The dog dies plenty, though."

"Hah," Lancer laughs. "They can try! I don't die easily, you know?"

Several dozen golden portals spring open behind Gilgamesh, revealing the heads of countless legendary weapons. "Shall we test it?"

Lancer smirks, calling upon Gae Bolg. "We're doing this for real then? BRING IT!"

The door slides open, and Ritsuka walks in. "Yeah, I'm sorry for earlier, guys, I was bit on edge because we're finally confirming the next... Singularity..." He nearly drops his tablet, spotting the grand scale war about to happen before him.

Gilgamesh and Cu look back at him, and the King shrugs. "If it bears any consideration, fighting like this inside the sparring grounds would have certainly devastated Chaldea as well."

Ritsuka looks at each of them and sighs heavily. "...You know what, fine. Fight. Destroy. Blow up Chaldea if you want. I'm done."

He turns to leave, and then Gilgamesh suplexes him. "WHY?!"

"BECAUSE GIVING UP IS THE COWARD'S WAY OUT, MASTER! DON'T BE A COWARD! FIGHT ME!"

"GET THE FUCK OFF ME!"

"THAT'S THE SPIRIT!"

\- End Chapter Eleven -


	12. Chapter 12

"No, that's fucking stupid. Get a grip Ritsuka it's not going to work."

"Kana-senpai that's kind of rude," Mashu notes laconically before glancing at Ritsuka, "But I agree, it's not workable. Ritsuka-senpai you have to think of another way."

"It's going to work because it _must_ work," Ritsuka insists, and he crosses his arms with an air of finality. "I am doing it, and then I'm going to shove my results in your dumb _wrong_ faces."

"You're going to _die_ you loser," Kana growls. "Do it nerd FUCKING DO IT I DARE YOU."

"Kana-senpai that's not helpful either. Look, why don't we-"

"I'M DOING IT."

"Now what's the commotion now?" Asks the man in red as he arrives with three box sets in his hands and a purring ball of white fluff perched atop his head.

There are many tables and chairs around Chaldea, areas for staff and Servants alike to mingle, sit, chat, and get together for activities. And it is around one of these gathering points, located just outside the lift to the Caster quarter, that Chaldea's Masters and Demi-Servant have gathered around.

Kana sticks her head up and out like a squirrel and cheers when she sees the man her father could have been. "Archer! Is that lunch?"

"It's brunch," Archer EMIYA corrects, and gently bonks her on the head with the red box, to which she whimpers like a small puppy. "Don't think I didn't notice you sleep in late last night. That's not good for your development young lady, you will get eye bags."

"There's magecraft for that," the twins intone together, and so Archer bonks them _both_ on the head with their own boxes. Ritsuka lets out a deadpan 'ow', while Kana whimpers again, like a small eviscerated puppy.

"I'm sure there is," he notes skeptically. "And for you, Miss Kyrielight, is lunch. Chicken rice, hainan style, as you like."

"Thank you, Mister Archer!" Mashu cheers as she takes the purple box with both hands. She opens it, and is met with an explosion of aroma. "Mm, your lunches are always good!"

"You flatter me, Shielder," Archer smiles, and he bows. "But again, what is the commotion?"

"We're playing Long War," Kana explains, while Ritsuka glumly pops open his coffee. "Rits here is in the middle of Some Shit and we're trying to get him out."

"It's not Some Shit we're _fine_ ," Ritsuka harshly corrects, and he takes a sip of black death before continuing. "The Scout will draw the overwatch and then I can blow their faces off with my Alloy Cannons. Cyberdisk won't even see it coming."

" _Can you though?_ Because the _last_ time you played Long War and got into this sort of situation _you rage quit and said the game is broken."_

"The game _is_ broken!"

"Yes but I beat it on Impossible and you couldn't on Normal so _bite me nerd."_

Archer wrinkles his nose, but doesn't incline his head out of consideration for the small Fou on his head. "Ritsuka, Kana, isn't it just a game?"

"We argue about everything," Ritsuka explains, frowning at Archer because he _knows_ this already.

"We only argue when you're wrong," Kana corrects.

"I will set your hair on fire."

"Senpai please she's got a point this time," Mashu begs. "That's three Overwatches, the Scout won't make it!"

"It'll be fine, he's got Lightning Reflexes. Watch." Ritsuka makes the move, and so that man of Earth makes his dash.

The first, a Heavy Floater, opens fire with its plasma rifle and misses. The second, a Muton, opens fire and misses as well. The third, a Cyberdisk, opens up, and then Ritsuka sees it.

"Cyberdisks have Opportunist, Guda," Kana says casually. "You're fucked."

"It's okay it's still just a ten percent chance," Ritsuka mutters, sweat beading on his forehead.

The Cyberdisk shoots, hits, makes a critical hit, and instantly murders his Scout. The man screams as he sizzles, and half his squad panics and shuts down.

Ritsuka's right eye twitches. Kana pats him on the back and closes the laptop gently, the smuggest grin on her face. She doesn't say anything, letting the moment speak for itself.

"Don't you say a goddamn thing," Ritsuka mutters darkly. Kana just smiles and puts a finger over her lips.

"It's just bad luck, senpai," Mashu tries, but it is too late. A forty hour game has just gone down the toilet. "Why don't we play a different game? Like, uh… FTL?" Ritsuka's snarl, like the awakening of a long-forgotten beast slumbering in the earth, startles her and she squeaks. "OR JENGA! WE CAN DO JENGA!"

Ritsuka looks up at her, horrified. "Oh no Mashu - I am _so_ sorry please don't hate me."

"I-It's fine, I'd be mad too if that happened to me!"

"Y-Yeah it's just bad luck - shut the fuck Kana I won't hear it - so don't worry about it! I'm fine!"

The two of them laugh awkwardly together, while Kana sits between them, still smugging, now holding two fingers, one from each hand, over her lips. Ritsuka and Mashu let out big sighs at the end of their nervous almost-breakdown, triggered by the mere presence of the other, and now desperately look for Literally Anything to change the subject.

"...Video games are bad for you," Archer sighs. "It is just a game, Ritsuka. There is no need to be mad."

"...Archer, if you lost eight hours making absolutely no progress, wouldn't you get mad?"

"You _do_ realise who I am."

"Fair point." Ritsuka sighs, and plants his face on top of his laptop. "God dammit I want to beat the game so bad - and fairly, without modding the .ini files. That's for _cowards._ "

Kana says nothing, still being smug, still being quiet. But she knows Ritsuka knows she modded the .ini files to make the game _harder._ And still won. On the highest difficulty.

"M-Maybe we could watch some anime instead," Mashu suggest quickly. "Oh! You know, I've never actually watched Cardcaptor Sakura."

Ritsuka pales, and Kana's smugness dissipates. Mashu frowns worriedly as she looks between each of them. "Ah… I guess it's not very good?"

"It's fine," Ritsuka mutters, and he claps himself on the cheeks. "Yeah, let's watch Cardcaptor Sakura…"

"Yay!" Mashu cheers. She claps her hands together when she gains a sudden idea. "Oh, Archer, have you watched Cardcaptor Sakura before?"

"No," he replies simply, understanding where she's getting at already.

"Good! We can make it a group activity! Magical Girl Monday!" Shielder cheers again.

"It's Thursday," Kana corrects, smiling to herself.

"...Magical Girl Monday on a Thursday! Yay!"

Archer smiles, happy that Shielder is happy, but he spares a glance for an increasingly-haunted Ritsuka. Oh, what happened to _him?_

* * *

 _Sometime in 2026, the world got set on fire_

 _Humans, unfortunately, are quite flammable_

 _Now Chaldea is all that remains of mankind_

 _Thank science for flame-retardant materials_

 _Unfortunately, history is also flammable, if only to time-fire_

 _So now Chaldea has to embark on a quest to restore history and save humanity_

 _Before time-fire discovers that salt is also flammable_

 _Fortunately time-fire is pretty dumb so there's no real rush_

 _It's about the only good news in..._

 _ **FATE/SUNNY ORDER**_

* * *

Standing in the middle of an elevator, surrounded by her seniors and Masters, Mashu Kyrielight was practically bouncing in her shoes. Kana has never seen her so excited about anything before, not about living again, not about… well she was quite excited when Ritsuka proposed apparently, but not like this. This is good excitement, not idiot excitement. It's quite interesting, actually. Does the girl like anime, or does she look forward to the bonding experience?

In total contrast, Ritsuka looks like he's about to kill himself. But Kana already knows _his_ deal so no point dwelling on it. That happened like ten years ago anyways he needs to get over it. _She_ did!

She does still have some questions, though.

"Why are we visiting Leo, anyways?" Kana asks, arms crossed. "I have plenty of magical girl anime on my HDD. We could just stream it from there."

"Chaldea has an extensive historical archive stored on site for easy reference when analysing the course of history and detecting any discrepancies," Mashu explains quickly, "But included in it is also a cultural archive, like movies and books and TV shows! If anywhere has Cardcaptor Sakura, it's in Chaldea, and Leo can help us get it!"

"Oookay but why does it have to be Leo?"

"Do you have Cardcaptor Sakura?" Mashu asks.

"No," Kana admits, "But I do have Sailor Moon!"

"You have Sailor Moon Crystal," Ritsuka corrects, proving that even half-dead from bitch trauma he can find the time to be a pedantic asshole. That's her brother for you.

"It's basically the same thing," Kana shrugs. "Besides, I have plenty of other Magical Girl anime, too."

"Your collection is cursed," Ritsuka grunts. "I'd rather not damn humanity's last hope _just_ yet."

Kana starts to retort, but she sees Mashu holding something in. "It's up to you anyways. You really want Cardcaptor, huh?" Mashu nods. "Then we'll go watch Cardcaptor. Right, Ritsuka?"

"I'd really rather not-" Ritsuka sputters when he sees Mashu's sad eyes - he obviously doesn't care about Kana's glare by now - and he quickly backpedals. "-do this alone! Y-Yeah, let's watch… magical girl anime." He weakly raises a fist. "Whoo."

Mashu does the same, but way more energetically. "WHOO!"

The elevator dings, the door opens, and off they go to see the wonderful wizard of Oz. Except it's Chaldea. And she's an inventor. And not at all wonderful.

Mentally, Kana decides to rename Da Vinci's workshop to 'Hell's Heart'.

"Magical Girl Monday-on-a-Wednesday?" Biting on the nib of her pencil, Leo swivels about on her chair briefly before nodding firmly. "Yes, I see! Excellent activity, Mashu! Unfortunately, I don't actually _have_ Cardcaptor Sakura on the archive. Or maybe I did, but the explosion knocked a lot of systems out and I haven't finished restoring the secondary and tertiary archives yet."

"Oh no that's too bad," Ritsuka says too-quickly, "Oh well plan's cancelled there there Mashu let's go do some work." He turns to leave so fast he nearly falls over, and then the door suddenly slams shut in his face. "Wait what why."

"Silly boy! I can reproduce the entire series in roughly three hours, don't you worry~"

"You can?!" Mashu exclaims with stars in her eyes. "That's fantastic! Thank you so much, Leo!"

Ritsuka makes a sound like coughing dust, and gradually deflates against the door face-first. Kana looks at her with a small frown. She sucks on her teeth. "That seems… impossible."

With a giggle, Leo leans forward and pats Kana on her fluffy head. "Oh, ye of little faith! I painted the Last Supper over a thousand years after it actually happened, this _hardly_ compares!"

"You didn't actually see the Last Supper, though," Kana points out. She frowns harder when Leonardo gives her a smug, self-assured look. "Genius or not that's factually bullshit, you did _not_ create a lens that can peer through time _when you were alive._ "

"Who knows? I _am_ a genius~" Leonardo titters briefly before Kana can protest again, and with a snap of her fingers the clockwork machinery in her workshop comes to life. Another snap, and the door falls open - and Ritsuka falls onto his face again. He doesn't seem to care; probably trauma. "Now off you go, I'll have it delivered by the evening!"

"Yes!" Mashu says with exuberant energy, dragging Kana off by the wrist with one hand and hefting Ritsuka over her shoulder with the other, "Off we go, to ANIME!"

"I've created a monster," Kana mutters, smiling despite everything, "But I'm okay with this."

Ritsuka just wheeze-sobs.

* * *

There are places set aside in Chaldea for people to get together and talk. Recreational rooms, the cafe, random tables and benches all over the facilities… And then there's the bistro, where the barista - formerly a member of staff, currently the alternate future of a man with no chill - serves people beverages both hot and cold as they talk about anything that interests them.

Like introductions with the newly arrived Maid of Orleans.

"Wait, so." Jeanne D'Arc sets her tea down gently, nodding thankfully as EMIYA refills her cup, "You were mistaken for me during the Fourth War?"

"That is correct," Saber responds with a sigh. "Caster was quite insistent about it, despite my pleas to the contrary." She sups at her tea while the rest of the table stews in her words. "Caster also murdered children."

"He _what?!"_

"A _lot_ of children."

"Quite a lot," supports the Lord El-Melloi II, who nods and returns to his coffee. "Rider and I found his workshop. You wouldn't believe the number of corpses we found. It was sickening."

"He would also implant monsters into them that would feed on their lifeforce and burst out to become the most disgusting familiars I've ever had to face." Arturia shudders at the memory. "Blasted demon fish, ruining my enjoyment of octopus… And to think I enjoyed it when Shirou made it for me…"

The Saint holds her hands against her chest, and both Marie and d'Eon place a hand on her shoulders for support. "That's… I didn't…" She tries to calm her breath, but only halfway succeeds. "What did he _become?!"_

"...A monster who delved into foul magecraft in a bid to exact his revenge on those who betrayed you, and who was eventually executed because he mismanaged his taxes." Atalanta, who was leaning her head on the table, looks up at her with an eyebrow raised. "Shouldn't you know this already? I'm pretty sure you should know this already."

Jeanne averts her eyes, her cheeks tinged red with embarrassment. "I-I mean, I _did_ … There was what happened in France, and then that affair in Romania, but I still can't believe that he'd _do_ all that!" She looks down at herself sadly. "Just where did I go wrong?"

"For starters," Atalanta says bluntly, "You could have _not_ been burned at the stake."

"It's not _her_ choice whether the English burned her or not," Arturia points out.

"Sure it is. She could have stopped her campaign after she lost the support of the King instead of remaining an eternally angry firebrand. Just as _you_ could have not gotten a magic schwingding and avoided the entire mess that is Sir Mordred Pendragon."

Arturia swiftly pounds the table so hard it shatters. "I never wanted it _Merlin gave it to me because he thought it would be funny!"_

Atalanta looks at her. "Aren't you an eternally young boy-king?" A beat. "In theory?"

" _Exactly! What sort of immortal king has heirs?!"_

"The sensible kind," Waver quips. Arturia glares at him. "You know I'm right."

The Once And Future King narrows her eyes further. "You weren't this mouthy in the Fourth War, Waver Velvet."

"And you weren't banned from the UK in the Fourth War, Saber."

Atalanta immediately chokes on her tea. Rider snorts so hard she falls out of her chair. Medea just starts laughing uncontrollably. Arturia Pendragon, the legendary King of Knights who won countless battles with the strength of her composure, sputters and turns bright red. "T-That's-!"

Robin Hood, who had been silently judging everyone the entire time, raises an eyebrow sharply. "Now how did _that_ happen?"

"I'd have to start from the beginning," Waver sighs. "So, after World War Two-"

"-NOTHING OF IMPORTANCE HAPPENED HE'S MISUNDERSTANDING _IT'S NOT EVEN THE UK ANYMORE IT'S JUST THE K!"_ Breathing heavily, fists clenched and trembling with barely controlled emotion, Arturia turns to the three greeks who are just _rolling_ on the ground with laughter. "STOP LAUGHING I WILL _MURDER ALL OF YOU!"_

They just start laughing harder. Even Marie and d'Eon can barely hold back their chortles. Only Jeanne D'Arc, peerless in her purity, just tilts her head in confusion. "I don't get it, what's the UK?"

"Britain," answers the Clocktower Lord. "She's overreacting, Brexit is nothing to be-"

"I AM NOT HAVING THIS DISCUSSION RIGHT NOW _DEAR GOD PLEASE CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"_

Mashu Kyrielight kicks the door open and throws her arms out. "WHO WANTS TO WATCH _MAGICAL GIRL ANIME?!"_

"OH THANK MERCIFUL GOD _YES!"_

Mashu claps her hands together while Kana gives her aunt an odd look. She turns to Waver, who nods significantly. "Oh, Brexit," the younger twin mutters. "Anyways we're watching a show. Everyone in?" The Servants in the room are either still laughing or shrug noncommittally, so Kana nods. "Everyone in. Cool, see you in room 2. Next up are the-"

Ritsuka suddenly yelps as gold-plated hands burst through the floor, grab his ankles, and drag him straight through. The sound of haughty laughter trails in his wake. Mashu's expression suddenly changes and she immediately gives chase in her Servant's garb.

"-Rowdy Servants," Kana says blandly. "Right. He hasn't gotten dunked on today." She turns to the tea party. "You're supposed to be protecting him today!"

"I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LEADING BRITAIN INTO AN AGE OF PROSPERITY _NOT SEE A BUNCH OF SAXONS FUCK IT UP!"_

"Wow she mad." Archer nods in agreement with his Master. "Hey, Archer. Could you bring her down later?" Archer nods again. "Thanks, you're the best!" She runs off, holding up her right hand as her Command Seals burn red, off to do some work while her brother shuts down for the rest of the day due to magical girl related traumas.

"I am the best mother," the Red Man says proudly, and continues cleaning. It is one of his joys, he thinks, as the King of Knights finally loses her temper and unleashes the winds of Invisible Air against the Princess and the Huntress.

Amidst a battle about to blow up, Jeanne D'Arc just sits upon her chair, teacup in hand, blinking in confusion. "Was it something I said?" She asks worriedly.

"I'm gonna say it, goldie: this is the dumbest plan I've ever been part of and I'm completely okay with that."

* * *

"Hmph. I cannot hate a dog that knows his place."

"I'd stab you but you'll probably just enjoy it."

"Accurate! Ah, here she comes."

Mashu Kyrielight bashes through the hole in the floor and lands heavily, shield planted on the ground in a perfect three point landing, bearing the most murderous gaze an adorable girl with purple hair can muster. Which, to be fair, is actually quite a lot. Lesser men would lose control of their bowels by now and beg for forgiveness.

But lesser men would not have dared to kidnap their Master while he was in the midst of a depressive slump. Only the boldest, bravest, and most recalcitrant of morons would dare do such a thing.

"Welcome, Shielder," says the King of Heroes, high and mighty as is the way of the world. To his right is Ritsuka, slumped against one of the posts of a boxing ring. To his left is Cu Chulainn, who looks concerned about his Master but not enough to stop Gilgamesh. "I've been _expecting_ you…"

"Let him go or I'll crush your balls Gilgamesh _I swear to God."_

Cu lets out a laugh out of reflex more than anything else. Gilgamesh blinks owlishly in surprise, though the expression leaves just as quickly. But not even a legendary warrior king would expect someone who is otherwise demure and reserved to start by threatening one's manhood. Then, he grins. "Then come _get_ him."

In a single bound the Shielder lands inside the ring; a sudden burst of speed explained by the black shroud she wears around her left arm. A Craft Essence based off a mystic code meant to harness Imaginary Numbers magecraft, now capable of enhancing speed by two entire ranks. Lancer whistles when he sees it, while Gilgamesh cranes his head. "Performance enhancing materials are prohibited in this place. Do not defile its sacred nature."

"I should stop this," Cu mutters. But he steps aside anyways.

Shielder, furious beyond words, throws her shield at him. Gilgamesh dodges; the shield crashes through the wall far from the ring and embeds itself halfway through the floor, tiles and solid reinforced concrete included. Lancer whistles louder. Gilgamesh shrugs in acceptance and spreads his arms. "Very well. The rules, Shielder, shall be that the first one to fall outside the ring loses. Otherwise," he smiles, "Anything goes."

Shielder nods. She extends her hand. Her shield, embedded in the floor, starts pulling itself out. Gilgamesh looks back at it, almost certainly in shock - and that is when the Shielder charges forward with godspeed.

A simultaneous attack by a Servant and her weapon would catch any other opponent by surprise, and with her newfound speed even a cunning foe wouldn't possibly dodge. So the King of Uruk does not. He simply grabs the shield in its flight and swings it back into it's Shielder's hands.

Mashu Kyrielight goes flying. She smashes through a pillar and groans, frustrated tears starting to flow. If Ritsuka were aware of his surroundings he would scream like a girl.

"...Shielder, you alright?" Lancer asks. "Hey, goldie, we should stop this-"

"Ah tut tut, dog, the challenge isn't over." He looks imperiously at the Shielder, but not once does he smirk in self-satisfaction. "Look. She still rises."

Mashu Kyrielight, still caked in dust and debris, is on her feet. She ambles forward, wounded but willing, when a woman in a white veil grabs her by the shoulder. "Shielder," Altera asks breathily, "Would you like help?"

Mashu looks back desperately at the Scourge of Heaven. "Yes," she nods eagerly. Even with a Craft Essence for speed, she has a snowball's chance in hell against the King of Heroes. He's too experienced, too strong, and too _pretty_ to defeat.

She can't even deny it. He's gorgeous. Stupid asshole and his perfect features.

Altera nods once. "I have demands."

"I'll wear a cute dress."

Altera tilts her head to the side. "I have more demands."

"And so will he," she blurts out thoughtlessly.

She nods. "These parameters are acceptable." Altera looks over at Gilgamesh. Her red eyes flash. "Are you bad civilisation?"

Gilgamesh grins madly. He tosses Ritsuka to Shielder, his boredom satisfied. "The _worst._ "

"Mm." Altera steps forward and draws Photon Ray. "Then I must destroy you."

Gilgamesh roars as he thrusts his hips. "TRY!"

Mashu Kyrielight wastes no time running away with her senpai in hand as the battle of the century begins behind closed doors.

* * *

"...And that's what happened after you slipped into Gil-related catatonia," Kana surmises, now changed into a light tanktop and shorts in the confines of her own room. Ritsuka sighs heavily as he hears this and buries his face in her mattress. "Don't do that I don't want your saliva on my sheets."

"I should _really_ get that man a hobby," Ritsuka groans.

"You should," Kana nods. "I found Nobu a hobby and she hasn't been making as much trouble recently."

"...Nobunaga staged three coups this week and one of them cost Chaldea all its fire extinguishers."

"It's amazing how that's still less trouble than usual."

"Mm," Ritsuka admits. He looks over at Mashu, who is dejectedly rocking back and forth on the floor. "I'm sorry we couldn't get the big screening like you wanted, Mashu."

"M-My anime night," she sniffs. His heart squeezes in pain. He should do something. But what?

Kana looks at him. He looks back at her. She gives him the finger because the answer is obvious; he just won't accept it. Ritsuka sighs.

"We could still watch Cardcaptor Sakura, Mashu," Ritsuka says, and Mashu immediately perks up. "Just the tw… the three of us." He gives Kana a self-satisfied smirk, but infuriatingly the girl just gives them both a thumbs up. Damn her and her conniving ways.

"I'll get the episodes," Kana says as she stands up.

"I'll get the food!" Mashu cheers as she jumps up.

"I have the dresses," Altera nods as she opens the door.

"I'll just kill myself now," Ritsuka concludes with a smile.

It's a strange situation, Ritsuka admits. Watching anime with his sister and crush. Eating popcorn and just immersing into the world. Wearing a frilly dress while doing all this. Ritsuka does not like magical girl anime and he does not want to wear this stupid dress - though he's past denying that he can pull it off - but right here, in the moment… he's okay with this.

"Sakura looks like she has a lot of fun being a magical girl," Mashu says happily. She looks at him. "Why're you not happy watching this, senpai? It's so wholesome."

Ritsuka starts to answer that he does not know, but then it comes back to him. The stick. The transformation. Getting stabbed without pain. Having to spend a week waiting. Spending that week as a toy. He shudders. "...I have bad memories."

She frowns sadly. "Did magical girls hurt you? But they're allies of love and justice!"

"They are, but…"

"It's because he was a magical girl for a while," Kana clarifies.

Mashu looks at her. Ritsuka goes white as a sheet. "Wait, what?"

"Mmhm. He found Kaleidostick Ruby once when we were eight. We were helping mom and dad clean up the old Tohsaka Mansion and we went spelunking. We found a big chest and popped it open. Ritsuka was gushing over the amazing mystic code he found when it woke up." Kana shakes her head vigorously and spits out the hair from her mouth. "I saw everything. It really _was_ like an anime."

"O-Oh," Mashu says, going beet red. At this point, Ritsuka is already curled up into a tiny ball.

"Yeah then Ritsuka - who had twintails now - started going on about being a magical girl to fight for love and justice and crap when mom burst into the room. Then she screamed. Then dad burst into the room. Then he sighed and stabbed Ritsuka."

"Wait _what?!"_

"With Rule Breaker, relax," Kana quickly reassures. "I just wanted to see your surprised face, you're so cute!"

"I hate you!"

"Sure you do. So anyways mom quickly seals Ruby again and things go back to normal." She crosses her arms. "Except that Ritsuka's now a girl."

Mashu blinks. Ritsuka, now a tiny ball, whimper-wheezes. Mashu blinks again. "O-Oh… so when you said he was a _magical_ girl-"

Kana nods. "He was a magical _girl_ , yeah. Cross-dimensional disjunction or something. I never really asked mom the details about the phenomena… But yeah for a week I had a big sister." Kana leans back into her pillow and munches on some popcorn. "Old man Zelretch had to come to fix him. Mom yelled at him a lot. She was _so mad._ But you wouldn't know from how much fun she had playing with him!"

"Stoooooop," Ritsuka moans.

"...In fact, you'd think that mom wanted another daughter instead of a son!"

"Yamerooooooooooooo," he protests weakly.

Now fully red from the top of her head to the tips of her ears, Mashu looks to and fro between the twins rapidly. Acting quickly and under duress she quickly turns the TV off. "I am _so_ sorry senpai I never knew - oh my goodness we must have been triggering his trauma every time we make him wear a dress!" She clutches at her head and cries out. "HAVE WE BEEN THE VILLAINS THE WHOLE TIME?!"

"Him looking good in a dress might actually be a knock-on effect from having actually been a girl for a while!" Kana mentions all too cheerfully. Mashu cries out again.

"That's not how it works," Ritsuka mumbles. He uncurls with a great effort of will, and grabs his Shielder by her arms. "Mashu, relax. That's not why."

"W-We've been so _mean_ to you," she wails, on the edge of tears. "I'm sorry! I'll ask Leo to stop dressing you up, a-and we don't have to watch magical girl anime ever again! I'm so sorry, senpai!"

"Calm down." He says it, and so she does. "It's okay if I watch it with you, okay? I had fun." He smiles. "And you're way more wholesome than Sakura."

"...Really?"

"Really." Ritsuka stands up and successfully disguises how hard his legs are shaking. "Come on, Mashu, let's go get dinner."

"B-But… don't you need to go see what happened to Altera and Gilgamesh's fight?"

He shakes his head. "Nah. I have a guy working on it."

"Herakles?"

"Herakles."

"Oh." Mashu takes a deep breath. She takes his hands and smiles. "Then let's go, senpai!"

* * *

"The wholesomeness is going to kill me someday," Kana sighs. "Seriously, they should just fuck already."

"That sounds incredibly crass and thoroughly uncalled for," Arturia chides.

"Like you trying to get Cornwall to secede from the UK?"

The King of Britain affixes her with a cold glare. "Et tu, Kana?"

"Come on, like you don't still Skype the Queen on a weekly basis. Welp, anyways!" Kana hops off the stool and twirls about. "I'll catch up with you later, Auntie! I have a Servant to show around!"

She strolls out of the cafe before Arturia can nag further, bouncing along the hallways. Beside her, the new Servant, a man with a well-groomed beard that smolders at its ends, materialises and matches her pace. "Anyways, that should be it for general orientation! Anything else you wanna know?"

"Aye, Master, but it's a selfish request. No worries if it's denied."

"Go ahead!"

Edward Teach, the legendary pirate Blackbeard, leans closer to her. "What do they call entertainment in this day and age? I've always had an interest in perusin', if you didn't know."

Kana looks at him. She considers her options. Kana Tohsaka smiles widely. "I'll start with anime."

"...This 'anime' confuses yet interests me."

"Yep we're definitely starting with anime. Walk with me, Blackbeard, we'll make things _happen._ "

 **\- End Chapter Twelve -**


	13. Chapter 13

_A/N: Hello there! Swordo here. If you are reading this here, you're a couple weeks behind the folks on Sufficient Velocity, who follow the story thread (link on my profile) and I highly recommend that people take a look at things there: besides the main chapters that I've been reposting here (though not with all the edits retained; unfortunately I made some changes to the final chapter on the thread that I didn't change on my G-Docs copy, which are the ones I've been porting here... whoops), there are various omakes and interludes that I intend to keep over there exclusively (because reposting them here would be a nightmare) - as well as an entire side-story following the Singularities themselves._

 _We're up to France right now (yeah two Singularities in three years nice speed Swordo) so now's as good a time as any to get a sensing: I intend to put the Singularity side-stories up here, as well as other things that I have in mind as well - stuff like what Rin and Shirou and Saber have been doing in the twenty two years between the end of Unlimited Blade Works: Sunny Day and Fate/Sunny Order. The question is how I should do it. Should I just have a dedicated Side-Story? Should I post them as part of F/SO? Should I publish an entire new story whenever a Singularity Story or whatever goes up?_ _I feel like a Youtuber saying this, but leave a Review telling me what you think. Not just on this, but also on the story so far._

 _Thankfully, this is the end of this lengthy Author's Note. Unfortunately, this is also the end of the already-written stuff - and newly written stuff will take a while to come out because as I'm in the Army my time is at a premium. But I post chunks as I write them to the SV thread, so if you're interested do check things out there!_

 _Back to you, Ritsuka._

* * *

"KANA YOU STUPID THOT _WHAT DID YOU DO?!"_

The sheer rage, volume, and hot air that carried the statement brought it through the cavernous halls of Chaldea, and nearly everyone heard it. From the command center to the duelling rooms to the spatial disjunctional space used for more _impressive_ exercises, everyone heard Ritsuka Tohsaka's agonised wail.

They also heard the extremely loud crunch that followed it, as his sister, the infamous Kana Tohsaka, punched him in the face and into the wall behind him. Were it not for his top-notch circuits, his excellent reflexes, his extensive training and the fact he saw this coming, he might be dead and she might be left with his workload. Not ideal for either of them.

Still, as Ritsuka leaps off the ground and Kana wrings her bruised and cut fist, she glares harshly at him. "God dammit Rits you _know_ I hate that word! What is the big stick up your butthole _this_ time?!"

"Blackbeard just walked into the library with a fucking weeb shirt on holding glowsticks and shouting that he wants to see Marie's panties _that's the big stick you BEWITCHING MEGATHOT!"_ She throws another punch on reflex but Ritsuka throws her to the ground instead. "YOU GOT YOUR ONE HIT IN WOMAN _NOW OWN YOUR SINS!"_

The red haze lifts as his words are finally processed, and Kana pales _significantly._ "Oh. Oh no." She clutches at her head with her other hand. _"I just showed him one series how did it go so wrong."_

"YOU SHOWED HIM FUCKING _EROMANGA SENSEI!"_

"IT WAS A _JOKE!"_

At opposite ends of the corridor, Servants, staff, and automata alike slip back behind the walls and carry on with their business while drawing as little attention to themselves as possible. Elsewhere, Blackbeard's rampage continues as all efforts at containment are stymied by a bored King of Heroes. Truly, idle hands are the devil's workshop.

All in all, this day is only _slightly_ weirder than usual for Chaldea.

* * *

 _Humanity died in 2026 to the Incineration_

 _In all likelihood they deserved it, the fucking deviants_

 _Now Chaldea seeks to undo the purification by any means_

 _Resolving the snarls in history with immense violence and zero care for collateral damage_

 _Frankly speaking we don't know why no one's stopping them_

 _Sometimes genocide is the answer_

 _In any case Kana is a monster_

 _Send help to…_

 _ **FATE/SUNNY ORDER**_

* * *

Mashu Kyrielight, Demiservant Shielder and the most precious secretary one could have, burst into the largest office in Chaldea visibly winded. Considering the stamina someone gifted with the powers of a Servant should have - that is to say _infinite_ stamina - it either means Ritsuka and Kana are dead, or she is really exerting herself... Though, by right it will lead into the first. And that is a frightening thought. "Doctor! You have to stop them, they're fighting!"

Romani Archaman, currently forced to be Director of Chaldea and also the seat to a very tired fluffy monster, looks away from his episode of Love Live and stops the video for a second. "It's alright, Mashu," he says encouragingly, "Blackbeard is currently under control. And we have Leonidas guarding the passages into the Women's Bunks."

She shakes her head vigorously and her hair goes _everywhere._ "No, not him! I'm not scared of Blackbeard! I mean Ritsuka and Kana! They're fighting right now!" She dives across his desk - Roman yelps and nearly hurls Fou off - and grabs the remote. She flicks through the channels, a different 3D projection flickering over his desk - most of them showing scenes of Blackbeard's rampage or the aftermath - until they reach the corridor where her Masters have met. Currently comparable in devastation to the nightmare that is Blackbeard.

Roman widens his eyes at the sight. Fou, the lazy monster, finally takes an interest in the world, just as Ritsuka punches through his sister's shitty projections and nails her straight in the throat. "See?!" Mashu wails. "You need to stop them! They'll just hurt each other!"

Doctor Roman, medically trained professional, simply sighs, works his shoulders, and turns the screen off - conveniently also turning his monitor off because the truth will only hurt her. "Mashu, sometimes these fights need to happen. Ritsuka's been very pent up, and Kana needs to learn a lesson."

Seriously, what kind of thot shows the great scourge of the seas _Eromanga Sensei?_ It's trash by his standards. And _he's_ anime trash!

She shakes her head again. "No, that's not true! They're just going to force themselves apart!"

"You're taking things too seriously," the doctor says gently.

"Fou…" The ball of fluff on his head coos.

"Even Fou agrees."

"...Fou." It raises one of its paws and waggles it in an undecided fashion. "Four fou…"

"...He doesn't like that he agrees, but the point is he does." Roman smiles and places both hands behind his head. "Why don't you wait here for them, Mashu? They're bound to show up here eventually, once their spat is over!"

"NO!" Mashu throws her hands up. "You just don't _get_ it, doctor! They're-ugh! Why did I think you'd do anything, you never do anything…" She turns around and stomps off. "Good day, doctor! Enjoy your anime!"

She slams the door behind her, but to Roman it felt like his heart just shattered. Like she stepped on his heart and it shattered. With her armoured heels.

This is a disgusting line of thought but the point is he feels empty inside. Roman sighs, looking down at himself. "Was it something I said?"

"Fou…" Fou pats him gently on the forehead before going back to his nap.

"I know, it was the right call… but does Mashu hate me?" He sighs and slumps his shoulders forward. "She hates me, doesn't she?"

"Fou…"

"Maybe if I wasn't such a terrible father, I could help her… Oh, right!" Roman suddenly looks up, newly energised. Fou wakes up, rudely awakened. "There are fathers in Chaldea! I could just ask for their advice!"

"Fou!" Despite his irritation, Fou agrees. "Fou, fou!"

"Great plan! I'll go ask them!" Promptly, Roman turns his monitor back on and resumes watching.

Fou slaps him hard in the eye.

"Ow! What?! I haven't finished the episode!"

Fou slaps him hard in both eyes.

"STOP IT! MY HEAD IS ONLY FOR NON-VIOLENT ANIMALS!"

"FOUUUU!"

This carried on for quite some time. But even so, Roman knew what he had to do.

Ask for parenting advice. From some heroes.

 _Excellent_ idea.

* * *

"...And that is why I need your help, Leonidas."

The warrior king of Sparta nods, his face stony as he thinks. As he watches the corridor as an unflinching sentinel, a full head taller than Roman, the doctor cannot help but feel relief that the first Servant he found was a man with all the wisdom of Greece in his veins, a great man of Sparta who held off the Persians at Thermopylae and unified the city-states with his sacrifice.

Even _if_ the Spartans were horrible people who let children die of exposure, surely Leonidas has _some_ idea about how to manage children? Maybe? Hopefully?

"Hmm… Unfortunately, Dr. Roman, I died young while my son was still a boy." Leonidas spares a piteous look to the downcast doctor, but only for a moment; Blackbeard is still at large after all. "And, more saliently, I had a _son_. I have little experience with girls besides 'did you sacrifice a goat on their birthday and bequeath them to a house of proper standing?'."

Roman sighs. He worried as much. "But still, Leonidas, as a father surely you have _some_ insights?" He stops, swallowing his spit - and the pit weighing him down from the bottom of his stomach. "She looks up to you as her shield-senpai."

"...Tell me, Doctor, did you leave her to the elders of your city, who regularly throw children with minor birth defects easily remedied with modern medicine, and who then leave the children who pass on the hill where they might _die of exposure?"_

For a king of the Spartans, Roman thinks, Leonidas is really critical of them. "Uhm… no, that's crazy."

Leonidas nods sharply. "Then you are already a better father than I."

Well. If he's just going to be like that… Roman sighs and mentally crosses him off his list. A list that includes the likes of Cu 'I honour-duelled my son to death' Chulainn and Arthuria 'I'm not a man and also I murder-suicided my son after he shattered my realm' Pendragon. Good God this is still the best idea he's had so far. "Thank you for the support, Leonidas. I'll leave you to… this." The good doctor frowns. "Shouldn't you be hunting him down, not watching this pass?"

"We're right next to the women's laundromat," the Spartan King responds nonchalantly, and immediately Roman recoils to the far wall. It's _right here?!_ He shouldn't be here, he could be slaughtered! "Woe betide us if the scoundrel got access…" Leonidas grits his teeth, his voice a low growl. "We would _all_ burn with the fool, and more's the pity! Such selfishness should never be abided!"

Somehow, Roman can't help but wonder if Leonidas wants to be surrounded by women's underwear. Though, women didn't wear underwear in his time. He must be thinking things.

"FOOL! WE COULD _ALL_ SHARE SUCH BOUNTY IF HE WOULD JUST BE _SUBTLE ABOUT IT!"_

Definitely thinking things. Roman shakes his head and turns to leave, but feels a hand on his shoulder. He looks back to see Leonidas looking him in the eye, empathetic and supportive. "But know this, Doctor; Shielder is a fine young woman, with a bright future ahead of her. I am certain that she will understand. Time heals all wounds; give her a day or two and things will return to normal."

"Are you sure, Leonidas?"

"A king does not lie." With a respectful nod, Leonidas returns to his vigil. And then he slams his spear into the ground and shouts loudly enough to shake the floors. "I wish you well, Dr. Roman! May you find your answers! I will sacrifice a goat to the gods and pray for your success!"

Roman does not think God is okay with goat sacrifices but okay there aren't any in Chaldea anyways. He turns to leave and finds a bubbly, bouncy, busty blonde looking right up at him, leaning slightly forward with her hands behind her back.

He blinks. Jeanne D'Arc blinks back. She smiles. "Morning, Doctor! Are you well today?"

Okay Roman calm down this is Joan of Arc we're talking about here. Remember what God does to people who think lewd things about Joan of Arc. He smiles back and only leans back a _little_. "G-Good morning, Ruler. I'm fine. Are you adjusting well?"

"Yes! Everyone is so nice here, and Ritsuka and Kana are managing things well! I am more than happy to be here in service of restoring mankind!" Jeanne maintains eye contact with him as she frowns and leans forward more _good God she's wearing a sleeveless blouse and a frilly skirt and the buttons are - ARE YOU TESTING ME SATAN_. "Are you sure you're okay, Dr. Roman? You seem tense."

"The good Doctor is having family troubles, Ruler," Leonidas says empathetically, still manning his post, pointedly with his eyes looking in the other direction.

"Oh, I see." Jeanne leans back, letting Roman sigh in relief - but not too much he's not out of the splash radius yet - while the Saint ponders this briefly. "Hm… I will pray for you, Doctor. Mashu is a good girl and I hope everything works out between the two of you." She frowns at him. "Though.. Why Mashu? Wouldn't a more proper name like Marche be more, well… proper?"

Shit Romani she's onto you distract her. "Thank you, Ruler, but this place isn't safe. Blackbeard is still at large."

"Oh, it is a small matter, I just had laundry! It took me some time to find this place; Saber said to follow the signs but the Lord left none!"

Oh, right, Jeanne can't read. Bless her, she tries, but she's illiterate. Roman lets his eyes wander around the Saint - not over _around_ \- and spots the laundry bag at her feet. "Couldn't you have let one of the robots carry it over, Jeanne?"

The Saint shakes her head. "It is my burden to bear," she says with a little hop and bounce - and once more Roman feels his faith being tested.

"You have enough burdens to bear, Ruler, don't let laundry become another," Leonidas sniffs. That sly dog. "Something so petty is beneath a general of your caliber."

Jeanne shakes her head. "I am but a girl, Lancer, but I appreciate your concern! Don't mind me!"

" _Oh… Jeanne D'Arc… Forgive me, for I have sinned…"_

The voice seems to come from nowhere and everywhere. King Leonidas I, fearless king of Sparta, who faced an impossible army fearlessly and died screaming in defiance, jumps in his skin as his legs start shaking. Jeanne looks around, her expression stony and cautious.

"Hm?" Roman asks, looking around.

"Not the ghosts," Leonidas whispers, his baritone trembling.

"Show yourself," Jeanne says, her voice powerful. She calls upon her flag and slams it against the floor. "Or burn in God's light!"

Down the corridor, a figure approaches. Wrapped in cloth, walking with unsteady footing, with dishevelled hair and a scraggly beard, he approaches. _"Oh, my Saint, my Maid… Please, I have sinned…"_

Jeanne blinks. Her expression softens. She smiles and sets her flag aside, spreading her arms wide. "Then come, lost lamb, and confess into my breasts."

" _Huhu… I have sinned… I slip into the abyss… OF CLEAVAGE!"_

The figure charges forward suddenly with unreal speed. Leonidas cries out a warning and steps between the Saint and Blackbeard, shield raised and spear level. "Doctor! Ruler! Get out of here!"

Jeanne tilts her head. "I don't get it. What's cleavage?"

Leonidas bites back a reply as he turns his full attention on the mad pirate captain. Jeanne shrugs and continues about her business, picking up her laundry bag - which only throws Blackbeard further into a frenzy. Roman wisely flees before he can get embroiled in a battle for life and death.

Right. Onto the next Servant!

* * *

"And then he screams that he doesn't want to see a _guy_ in a skintight bodysuit and runs away - which is just _rude_. C'mon, everyone knows I look good in this." Lancer, having finally finished his spiel, downs a shot of brandy without flinching. "Seriously though, what kind of guy can't appreciate a good looking man wearing what feels like nothing at all?"

"A degenerate," the Red Archer responds blandly while polishing a glass, as is habit by this point. The bar basically belongs to him at this point and he has always been very particular about cleanliness. "What does it matter, Lancer? Are you actually upset about this?"

" _No_ , but he's a slippery bastard! And whenever we _do_ corner him, the king of grapples just flings him into somewhere _else_ in this place!" He slams the shotglass on the countertop, waving for Archer to refill it. With a roll of his eyes EMIYA begins work on the spirytus. Maybe this might get a reaction out of him. Lancer takes it and slams it immediately. Once again he doesn't even react. _Freaking Celts._ "Can't _you_ deal with him? Apparently the kid beat him once."

Archer shakes his head, both weary of the comparison to the boy he could have been and sad that no, he cannot help stop this degeneracy either. He thinks of a way to express this to Cu Chulainn, a man of few fucks, without getting mocked. "Unfortunately, Gilgamesh has activated brawler mode, so countering the Gate of Babylon will do nothing. He'll just bodyslam me and rip my arms off while we're still tumbling mid-air."

Lancer clicks his tongue and shakes his head. "Damn shame, that. What makes him fun is now making him a pain in the ass." He frowns, looking at his glass. "Hey, Archer, you don't think he _likes_ Blackbeard, do you?"

This got a reaction out of EMIYA; he scoffs. "I hope not. The King of Heroes as an otaku is a… well actually it might help."

"Wait, seriously?" Cu slaps his forehead and mutters something rude in Celtic. "I can barely handle one. Not sure I'll survive two."

Archer shrugs again. There is not much more he can say, too many variables to consider. And as usual, Eye of the Mind is useless outside of combat. Though he gets the odd feeling that the King of Heroes would be a shut-in…

And then he spots a peach-haired man with a put-upon smile and the eyes of a man trying not to be smote by God for various transgressions. Romani must have run into Jeanne. He should have never talked to Caster about collaborating within earshot of Leonardo. "Afternoon, Doctor," he says politely and evenly, while the doctor stumbles onto a barstool in a daze. Archer mentally runs through where the whiskey is; the man might want some. "What brings you here?"

Lancer sighs and shakes his head. "A blind man could see he ran into the Saint, Archer. Obviously he's here to get drunk! You know, before _something happens to his little brother._ "

Archer stays quiet for a moment, just looking at Lancer. Not to think, he already has an answer primed. Not to judge, he's had his mind set on him for a long time. Just to set the mood.

He sees the faintest beads of sweat on Lancer's neck; bingo. "I wasn't aware that Saber caught up to you, Lancer. Weren't you the fastest of us Servants?"

"Firstly, Rider might tie me. _Might._ _Secondly_ , go fuck yourself." Lancer works his shoulders and faces Romani instead. "Relax a bit, doc! She might be eighteen but that's still legal in most of the world!"

Mumbling his mantra, Archer calls upon a kitchen knife of no particular importance, besides the fact that a vigilante once used it to hunt rapists and pedophiles. A particularly bloodsoaked knife, that one, despite the fact that it never claimed a single life.

"T-Thanks, Lancer," Roman responds with a sheepish smile, "But that's fine. I'm just… tired." Lancer nods sagely, but the doctor looks at him suddenly with realisation slowly spreading across his features. "...Actually, Lancer… You were a father, weren't you?"

Archer looks at the doctor. He wonders just _why_ he would be asking Cu Chulainn, famous for murdering his own son, about fatherhood. He runs the simulations - Saber mentioned having to go sort out a fight when she was here earlier, so Ritsuka and Kana probably got into a fight - likely over the Blackbeard situation - and it is probably a big fight. So violence levels would be high. High enough that Mashu would be vocal about her disapproval.

She would want to stop it. But the doctor, with no power or inclination to intervene, would refuse.

...And like that, the pieces fall together. Archer's gaze moves over to Lancer. His reaction will depend on Lancer's.

Strangely enough, the blue Lancer seems… morose. Contemplative, even. "Yeah, I was. But not a great one, either. Red asshole here loves to bother me about it, but he's got a point." Lancer leans against the counter and holds his glass to his lips. "Interested in my legend, doc? Because there are better openers than that."

Roman shakes his head. He swallows, like he realises what a bad decision he just made. "Ah, no, nothing like that. I'm just wondering if you have any advice… But thinking about it, heh, I guess you don't have any?"

"Try not to kill your kid in a duel after binding them to three unbreakable oaths," Lancer nods. "Tends to help."

Archer exhales. He dismisses his knife. Good, Lancer's showing off his rare responsible side.

Roman nods. "Right, right… You had a son, too." He sighs, tired and lost and - something familiar yet alien to the Counter Guardian - _scared_. "I just want to make it up to Mashu, you know? She's quite mad."

Lancer nods. "You know, I think Caster had kids. You can ask her."

"Yeah… I'll do that." Roman nods. "Thank you, Lancer."

"Don't mention it, doctor." Lancer nods, and it spreads into a wide grin. "C'mon, drink with me! There's still time for you to figure it out! Shielder's a good girl!"

"It's like noon though," Roman mutters.

"Are you sure? Because I'm not seeing any sun in the sky!"

Archer considers putting a stop to this. He decides against it. "It is your decision, Dr. Roman. I'm just here to listen and offer advice."

Roman nods. He looks at Archer hopefully.

"Non-parenting advice," Archer adds gently; he has to go spank two idiots soon, he can't be accountable for the girl one of those idiots loves. "I didn't even _have_ children, so I lack even Lancer's experience."

"But you're a natural!"

"He's a mom," Lancer explains. "You want dad advice. Go find Caster."

Archer frowns at Lancer. He's not going to scowl at him, that would be uncouth. And it would mean Lancer wins. Which is unacceptable, _he_ has control of the alcohol. "Caster is a woman, Lancer."

"So's Saber, but _she's_ King."

Archer can't be bothered to respond to that. So he sighs and nods his head. "I suppose she is. What will you have, Dr Roman?"

"Ah…" Roman glances down at his watch and shakes his head. "I'll have a glass of water. I really should get going."

Archer nods and starts pouring him a glass, making sure he didn't accidentally take the vodka or spirytus.

And the wall suddenly explodes.

Kana smashes through a table and a barstool, covered in cuts and bruises. She rolls onto her feet, her hair loose and wild, and with a barstool leg in hand she successfully strikes Ritsuka as he shrieks in. The boy's mana circuits are burning bright, practically visible even through his clothing, and he diverts the barstool from his gut to his shoulder.

Leaving him open to the dropkick to the face. Ritsuka flies back through the hole he punched Kana through, audibly grunting as he bounces off the ground once, and Kana gasps for breath as she takes a second to recover, rubbing her side.

"Man that's gonna hurt tomorrow," she grunts through gritted teeth. Looking over her shoulder, she sees Archer frowning with one eyebrow raised, Roman looking absolutely mortified, and Lancer giving a thumbs up and a cheesy grin. She returns the cheesy grin and chases after her brother.

Seconds later a shockwave sends dust through the door and covers the bar in dust. Roman stands up, his water forgotten and now mixed with dust and debris. "Yeah I should _really_ get going," he says, more than a little mortified.

"Good luck, doctor," Archer says.

"I love this place," Lancer whispers. And then he turns to the clatter of brooms and dustpans on the countertop. "Hey, I'm not cleaning this place up."

"You do you, Lancer," Archer says wryly. "The bar is closed."

* * *

The day has been at once productive and unproductive, Romani thinks as he stands before the sanctum of Medea of Colchis, an unassuming room with the same white door that basically every room in Chaldea has across the entire complex - and not even reinforced with metal or concrete. It is wood, perhaps laminated with plastic. And he can't open it.

Leonidas I of the Three Hundred Spartans told him that he has little experience as a father and to trust in the inherent goodness of his foster-not-daughter. Cu Chulainn, who is in retrospect responsible for killing his son he never met and thus an awful person to ask about advice, just said not to kill her. Which is useful advice in theory but… well he could never do that even if he wanted to. And he never will. Archer EMIYA, despite mothering the twins, is unwilling to provide advice - and seeing as firstly he is not their actual father and secondly they are currently _beating each other through Chaldea_ , his advice might not actually be good _either_. And Jeanne, being Jeanne, doesn't even know where children came from.

And yet he feels like he knows the answer. He's always known. He's just scared of making the attempt. Just as he is scared of entering a Witch's Temple when the entire complex is on the hunt for a male weeb. The question now is… is he more afraid of getting zapped by a witch, or is he more afraid of confronting the girl he's raised?

Without another thought Roman grabs the door knob and steps through.

The first thing that hits him is the sea breeze - fresh, crisp, _real._ The second thing that hits him is that the sun is shining but he is not sweating. In fact, it is a comfortable, cooling beach. Unnaturally comfortable for a beach. The third thing is seeing a certain pair of Servants sitting around a table with a parasol sipping drinks and talking about their feelings without trying to kill one another.

Honestly it is the beach that really sells the artificial nature of this sanctum. Only a true master of Magecraft could make something as frustrating as the sun and sand so inviting.

"Ah, it was the doctor." Medea nods, only briefly sighing with regret, and the pressure drops tenfold. Roman only just realises how close he was to getting lasered and… probably getting chopped up and thrown into a cauldron, something about dismemberment for sure. And just as he thinks that, the once-Princess of Colchis scowls at him. "If you intend to think poorly of me, Director Romani, at least do so in the shade."

"It _is_ nice," says Arturia Pendragon, King of the Britons, the Knights, the Britonian Knights, and possibly the Round Table as she sips on… not-tea for once. It looks like a cola. "Join us, doctor, it is a good day today!"

It is, somehow, so Roman does so. Taking a seat, Roman thinks that he could really use a drink, and at once tiny skeletons step from dust clouds and start pouring him a cocktail. They even provide the tiny umbrella before disappearing. He looks at it oddly, then at Medea.

"A simple working," the Caster says with pride and more than a little smug. "Now, what ails you?"

"Why aren't you and Saber trying to kill one another?" he blurts out. Fearfully, he expects Medea and Arturia to gang up on him in a fit of flustered frustration, but instead Medea laughs while Saber shakes her head with a smile.

"Caster and I have come to an agreement," Saber says. "She does not kidnap me or try to make me hers or kill my wards or… really anything evil, and I will hold my peace." Her smile grows a little strained, but relaxes just as quickly. "She is not so insufferable when she isn't on about dresses or cuteness or her beloved Kuzuki."

"Mostly, Saber amuses me with stories of the boya's skill at homemaking," Caster smirks. She leans forward, resting her head upon a hand, drumming her fingers as she looks at Roman. "But what _really_ brings you here, Director? I doubt that Blackbeard has been chasing _you_."

Roman sighs and shakes his head. "No, I was… hoping to find some parenting advice."

At this, Saber perks up.

"From you, Caster."

Offended, Saber pouts and returns to angrily drinking from a straw.

"Hm." Caster looks upon Roman, now clasping her chin with her hand. "Well, Director, you are mistaken. I had been a parent, yes - but obviously, I was a _mother_. And what you probably want is advice from a _father_."

"There aren't many good fathers in Chaldea," Roman notes blithely. "Most of them are awful."

Caster nods. "Lancer?"

"Lancer, yes."

"You must be desperate." Now, Saber perks up again, though trying to seem uninterested. "Alas, I am at a loss myself," Caster laments.

Roman nods and slumps in his chair. "If only there was someone who helped raise wonderful children here."

Practically beaming parental instinct, Saber simply waits.

"Someone who has experience raising young boys and girls into capable men and women," Caster agrees.

Saber continues waiting, a self-assured smile on her face.

"Someone who has teaching experience?" Roman suggests.

"That would be good," Caster agrees.

Saber, all but assured, begins preening.

Roman nods. He stands up, hands on the table. "Thank you, Caster. I'll go find Lord El-Melloi II."

"A good choice," Caster agrees. "In my interactions with him he's proven to have a discerning eye. As a magus he's worthless, but as an _educator_ …"

Their attention is drawn by the sound of glass shattering. They both look at Saber, who has shattered her cup in her hands, now clad in metal gauntlets. "I am _right here_ ," Saber seethes. "I am an _excellent_ parent! _And_ an excellent teacher!"

"You _also_ murdered your son," Caster points out. "And unlike Lancer, you neglected Mordred so badly he lead a rebellion against you that lead to your death. So no, Saber. You might be worse than Lancer in that regard."

"I raised our _Masters!"_

And then the sky shatters. Ritsuka falls through first, followed shortly by Kana, who has her hand clasped around his face. They hit the ground heavily, smashing into the sand, before Kana lifts him up by the head and starts smashing him into the ground again.

"You mean _those_ Masters?" Medea asks with a sarcastic smirk.

"Oh, God," Roman laments.

"Use your legs, Ritsuka!" Saber screams, standing on her chair. Ritsuka sputters and flails and is smashed into the sand again. "No, YOUR legs!"

* * *

Waver Velvet, the Lord El-Melloi II, Clocktower Lord and Pseudo-Servant of the legendary Zhuge Liang, sighs as he bites on an unlit cigar, hands in his pockets as he faces Romani Archaman. Behind him, both Ritsuka and Kana Tohsaka weep as they are locked up in the Stone Sentinel Maze, their battle finally inconclusively concluded in Kana's favour - but neither of their victory. Beside them, Mashu Kyrielight frets over the both of them, but is ultimately unable to help. "I take _one_ smoke break and _this_ happens," the legendary educator grumbles.

"It is nearly dinnertime," Medea of Colchis sniffs.

Wordlessly, Waver points at the idiots locked up behind him.

"...Well played, Professor," Medea chuckles, her voice melodious as she heads off to mend the hole in the sky-ceiling. "Well played _indeed_."

Ignoring her, Waver turns to Roman. "Anyways, you just need to give Miss Kyrielight some time. She is just acting out a bit of teenage rebellion. Nothing to worry about."

"She's never acted out teenage rebellion before!" Roman exclaims.

"She's never had a boy she liked that much either," Waver responds with an arched eyebrow.

"...Okay." Roman inhales sharply and nods. "Thank you, Professor." He frowns. "But what have you _really_ been doing, this entire time?"

Waver lights his cigar and takes a puff, not once taking out his lighter. "Hunting."

Somehow, from that one word, Roman knows exactly what he means. "So Blackbeard's…"

"If you are going to enjoy japanese culture you should do so _properly._ " He points back at Ritsuka and Kana with a thumb. "And as penance, the two of them can join him."

And it was at this moment that Romani Archaman knew he had a new father figure to look up to. But not in a weird way.

 **\- End Chapter Thirteen -**

Locked within a theatre in the depths of Chaldea - personally built by Leonardo Da Vinci as a dungeon and promptly converted into a cinema by her easily-inspired mind - three pairs of eyes gaze upon japanese perfection.

"I love Jojo," Ritsuka says, a single tear falling from his eye.

"Crazy Diamond _is_ Unbreakable," Kana says, sniffling as she does so.

"I'm sorry I called you a thot."

"I'm sorry I saved Eromanga Sensei from annihilation."

Edward Teach, the legendary pirate Blackbeard, once the terror of the seas and now the terror of Chaldea's hallways, weeps openly in his restraints. "I have seen the light," he whispers, and all who heard it could earnestly say that it was so.

And so the dark reign of Blackbeard's degeneracy ends, replaced by the more benevolent reign of manly, muscular, posing men.

* * *

Long after hours, when the rest of Chaldea sleeps, two old men sigh as they reminisce over drinks in the Director's office. Glasses of wine arrayed before them, a tall golden pitcher of the same in between, Romani Archaman and Gilgamesh of Uruk drink quietly, with little raucousness or energy between the two of them. Just two old men, with shared experiences.

"Did you have enough fun today?" Romani asks bitterly. He sups at his glass, feeling the smooth red wine burn in the back of his throat. "Was it worth it _just_ to get a laugh? People got _hurt_ today."

"Bah," the King of Uruk scoffs. "No one _died_ , and no one hurt _seriously_. They are but emotional pains, to grow from. Learn from." He raises his chalice to the light. "To reminisce."

Roman shakes his head. "What would he think, that you would willfully set Chaldea on fire just to satisfy your boredom?"

Gilgamesh looks sharply at him, but not with murderous intent. Merely irritation, felt towards a friend reminding them of a painful or embarrassing moment. "And what would she think, that you are responsible for inciting the incineration of man with poor wording and unresolved frustrations?"

Roman sighs and looks into his glass. "The only thing we can do now is look forward."

"And yet, the solution lies in the past," remarks the King of Heroes. "Ironic isn't it, Solomon?"

Roman sighs. "That life is over, Gilgamesh. You know this."

"Hmm," grunts the King.

The two of them sit quietly, alone with their thoughts and company.

"...At least neither of us put a dick on a girl," Roman notes idly.

"Aye, neither of us," agrees Gilgamesh. "...Though, now I wonder…"

"Gilgamesh _no._ "

"Gilgamesh… _maybe._ "


End file.
